Hey you! That was a shock to see your posting. A shock but also a really wonderful surprise. Yes we won swtp. I hpe you dont me sharing our story but as yo can see, ,I think it has given people real food for thought and some comfort to.
Dad xxx
LIftsong
JoinedPosts by LIftsong
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What I do know is that there is peace to be found and there love to be had, after the organisation
by LIftsong inmy mother became a jw when i was six months old so i was brought up within the confines of the organisation.
i left properly in my early twenties and i am now 43 so a good 22 years of life, post being a witness have i travelled and documented thus far.
mine was a typical experience of a child in the congregation and i was busy doing my best to be a little adult as the child within slowly fell asleep.
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44
What I do know is that there is peace to be found and there love to be had, after the organisation
by LIftsong inmy mother became a jw when i was six months old so i was brought up within the confines of the organisation.
i left properly in my early twenties and i am now 43 so a good 22 years of life, post being a witness have i travelled and documented thus far.
mine was a typical experience of a child in the congregation and i was busy doing my best to be a little adult as the child within slowly fell asleep.
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LIftsong
I live in London and if anyone would like to meet up at some point for some social time I would be very much open to that?
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44
What I do know is that there is peace to be found and there love to be had, after the organisation
by LIftsong inmy mother became a jw when i was six months old so i was brought up within the confines of the organisation.
i left properly in my early twenties and i am now 43 so a good 22 years of life, post being a witness have i travelled and documented thus far.
mine was a typical experience of a child in the congregation and i was busy doing my best to be a little adult as the child within slowly fell asleep.
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LIftsong
A eureka moment!! lol I like that!I am so pleased thast you have found detail within our conversation that has given you some form of empathy. Can someone tell me what to the protocol is here? as I want to write back to everyone that has made comments. or do I write back via this forum? Several thoughts have really got me to thinking. Especially ones relating to memories of life as a child within the truth. The first assignment etc. I remember that well! LIfe on the ministry. The circuit assemblies. I would also like to find out more about what you guys think about the spirit realm and the like? Waht do yo belive now? I have very definitive thoughts surrounding this and I am really intersted in the common concencous. Also spirituality. Again I have reached a place that I feel very comfortable with which is something I thought I could ever do. It felt for so long like moving from ones house and setting up home in the middle of a field! Though I guess that is what it was supposed to feel like. How much of the nuances of our every day behaviour has a direct corrolation to our brainwashing and condtionining, a throw back if you like, to our lives within the organisation?
THere is much I would love to discuss about these subjects with kindred folk and the friends I have found here. Ideally I would love to open a retreat so we can go hide for weekends or a week to just talk and laugh at where we have been and where we are, and really get into the meat of the subjects over candle light and a glass of hearty wine. That would be me ideal evening of entertainment!
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What I do know is that there is peace to be found and there love to be had, after the organisation
by LIftsong inmy mother became a jw when i was six months old so i was brought up within the confines of the organisation.
i left properly in my early twenties and i am now 43 so a good 22 years of life, post being a witness have i travelled and documented thus far.
mine was a typical experience of a child in the congregation and i was busy doing my best to be a little adult as the child within slowly fell asleep.
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LIftsong
Hi LouBelle
Thanks for your message and how did you get your picture on your details? I cant work out how to do that for the life of me! Also I am glad you have joy in your life. the need for a sense of belonging is often very different for the reality we find. I for one was very lonely in the organization. But at the same time I desperately wanted to belong, to have Jehovah's approval, even if it felt like I was chasing a rainbow. I am very hard to love even to this day. I am loved, but I find it hard to sustain intimate relationships and i think it will always be hard to let people in on lots of levels. But hey who know eh
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What I do know is that there is peace to be found and there love to be had, after the organisation
by LIftsong inmy mother became a jw when i was six months old so i was brought up within the confines of the organisation.
i left properly in my early twenties and i am now 43 so a good 22 years of life, post being a witness have i travelled and documented thus far.
mine was a typical experience of a child in the congregation and i was busy doing my best to be a little adult as the child within slowly fell asleep.
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LIftsong
I am yet again sitting here and filling up with a wave of memories and emotions thanks to all you guys and your responses to my posting. Thank you so much. I have often thought about dedicating a blog or getting a book together of my thoughts relating to the very closed world than many of us here have experienced. The loss of a childhood is a very sad thing and the problems it causes later down the line is often a question of damage limitation. You know that saying, the one that says " if only I knew then what I know now"? Well we do and it is vital we are there for those people in need of a lantern in whats other wise a very dark and frightening place. This should never be underestimated. Many of us end up hobbling into therapy or papering over the cracks, or worse just not being able to move on and half living our lives in a state of perplexed anxiety. Every news bulletin becomes an exercise in denial and controlling that inner voice of "yes that is a prophecy coming true" Armageddon is getting closer and I am going to die"! etc etc.
I reason why I feel so emotional from the things people have said is two fold. One is that you understand. I know many of us here will recall when you have used the phrases "well no it is not quite the same as that " or "You simply wont understand unless you had been there" to people who have become close to you and genuinely want to get it but just cant. And then there are those people who say "oh yer I was brought up a catholic" or worse. "Ah yes you are like those Mormons aren't you"...... Knowing we are out there getting on with our lives and knowing how it feels to have been denied a childhood does help. It is kindred.
One of the positives we enjoy from the experience we had and often miss is that sense of belonging. It is very hard to replicate. When we start to reason that we dint actually need to find replacements for the control we feel we have lost, and that control is still within each of u but just turned down so low, we can have problems hearing ourselves thats all. life becomes a lot easier to manage.
The other reason is that I genuinely and whole heartedly want to help others find that path that leads away from the fear that has cut so deep for many of us. If I can do that, even slightly then that makes my heart lighter and you will find me a little more evolved and a little more content that you found me yesterday.
Living in the now for an ex witness is virtually impossible without help. The path and signs to find the way out are often right under our noses, but with our eyes shut and an inherent fear of the dark, we are going to struggle to make the transition needed away from the self doubt, angst and worry that goes with the territory so familiar in our past lives. Without that reassuring warmth of someones else's hand in ours to lead us at our own pace, into the light can be a lonely and solitary lonely journey.
I was taught well by the elders to be a good communicator! To become a pioneer and then eventually an elder. I think it is time to use this ability to its best effect wherever I can.
I remember once sitting with this elderly sister who was one of the anointed ones, I sat with her at the age of about 8 or 9 in awe of that fact she was one of the 144,000. I should not have had my head filled with such massive subjects!but Emily and I have both reasoned that it has given us the ability to see around corners when other can't, figuratively speaking that is!
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What I do know is that there is peace to be found and there love to be had, after the organisation
by LIftsong inmy mother became a jw when i was six months old so i was brought up within the confines of the organisation.
i left properly in my early twenties and i am now 43 so a good 22 years of life, post being a witness have i travelled and documented thus far.
mine was a typical experience of a child in the congregation and i was busy doing my best to be a little adult as the child within slowly fell asleep.
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LIftsong
Hi that is so true and i had always presumed Emily would leave at some point. it caused her so many issues being surrounded by people bad mouthing me when she was a child. There were other more sinister things that occurred long after i left the organisastion but that she had to remain silent about, as that is what she had been instructed to do. The analogy of learning to love to not be loved and learing to understand and not be understood really helped us both let go of the anger and resentment we both felt. Emily now totally understands why I had to leave and yes there will always be a part of me running to catch up with myself for the times I missed, and the times I did'nt tuck her in at night or read her a bedtime story, but what she does know is that I love her totally and wholly for who she is and not what I want her to be, and that means an awful lot.
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What I do know is that there is peace to be found and there love to be had, after the organisation
by LIftsong inmy mother became a jw when i was six months old so i was brought up within the confines of the organisation.
i left properly in my early twenties and i am now 43 so a good 22 years of life, post being a witness have i travelled and documented thus far.
mine was a typical experience of a child in the congregation and i was busy doing my best to be a little adult as the child within slowly fell asleep.
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LIftsong
Thanks again to my new found Friends here. Understanding is a powerful tonic and it seems to me I have hit on gold mine of the stuff here. Thank you!
DP I was so sorry to hear of the trauma you have been through and are going through now. The best advice I can give you with regards to your children is to just be the best dad that you can be and the best friend to your ex-wife that she ill allow you to be, as that will change over time.
Reading between the lines there is still much love there within your family unit and as head of the house, it is your duty to path the way for yourself and your children to the best that you can and no more. I don't know how old your children are, but they will love you anyway. I always said to Emily over the years that I would always respect her wishes and if she chose to embrace the truth as an adult I would not stand in her way. The only thing I wanted for her to do was be empowered enough to make those choices herself. I would suggest you do the same. It was hard for me to respect my ex wifes wishes as far as how Emily was being brought up. But I think allowing room within my relationship with my ex wife to focus on Emily, we have been able to pull together in crucial times when Emily needed to see a united front, on one of those occasions was at her bed side after she had to have surgery. I was asked to sign a blood declaration form and this I refused, but we sill found our way through some really hard times. We are all still here. Just take your time and don't make the mistake of physically leaving the organization and walking into no mans land by not allowing yourself to grieve and move on emotionally and interlecually. I did not allow myself to examine facts about the organisation that you certianly dont learn about at the meetings! I was actually quite protective of anyone who had bad things to say for some time after leaving! It took me a long time to realize that and a very special person to come into my life to help me lose the fear and move on. It was great to step back from that realization and be able to look back on the past and then at myself with a sense of knowing. Just make sure you tell yourself and your kids how amazing you all are. Empower them when ever you can, talk to them about art and do creative stuff together, it will become a useful bridge of communication for you in the future and you need to build this before you need it. Don't just expect it to be there. Plan for it. You have some very exciting times ahead my friend. Allow yourself to think freely and look to the sky for soul food. It doesn't stop being wonderful outside of the organization, in fact for me it became even more splendid when I allowed myself to move on.
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What I do know is that there is peace to be found and there love to be had, after the organisation
by LIftsong inmy mother became a jw when i was six months old so i was brought up within the confines of the organisation.
i left properly in my early twenties and i am now 43 so a good 22 years of life, post being a witness have i travelled and documented thus far.
mine was a typical experience of a child in the congregation and i was busy doing my best to be a little adult as the child within slowly fell asleep.
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LIftsong
Ah yes I neglected to reply to the question with regards to my beautiful daughter. I am not going to pretend it was always a wlak in the park but I would hazard a guess that any separation between parent and child is never easy. It took years of commitment and a laboured focus on not letting my child ego lay down the track for me! However angry and isloated I felt at times. This is especially true for ex witnesses who were brought up in the organization. For many of us our child ego state never got the chance to evolve. This is why so many ex witnesses stagger around in turmoil as adults. As I hinted at in my previous posting, damage is damage ,and many wonderful people I have met over the years project similar destructive traits due to experiences they liveed through as children. It is a very frightening place for anyone who is led and governed by an internal child they cannot see and don't even realize exists.Our child ego state has that no real ability to manage a successful emotional adult life. It is hard to learn to love oneself when you are Pre-programmed to failure should you dare to think for yourself and that is what you were taught as a child of the organisation.
My relationship with my daughter is the single most precious thing to me. As I am writing this I am looking at a candle she bought me just a couple of months ago. For my birthday! It is fashioned into a sunflower with the words "A daughter is a little girl who grows up to be a friend" etched into the design.
My daughter remained in the organization & my wife to this day is still a sister. She remarried about two years after we divorced. I stayed local for the first two years, more through miss placed guilt looking back than anything, but as soon as someone was there for my ex wife, I was able to move away from the small town that had been my exclusive experience until then. It was very hard for me, and my daughter over the years. We were unable to go any where or do anything so it seemed without bumping into a brother or sister who I had known all my life, but who couldn't wait to inflict the "cold front" you are invisible but I will say hello to the poor poor child on us. This created a lot of internalized anger with my daughter that we have had to work through together. Emily had a relationship with me that was exclusive, no doors and no windows. It took us from sitting in McDonald's when she was about four saying "Daddy why do you love Satan"? at the top of her voice. through to a strong resilient young woman who takes my breath away, with her empathy for others and ability to show such love and openness. She really is an inspiration to me. Emily took the desicion to leave the organization as soon as she could i her late teens. I do realize my influence as her dad was huge , but she does seem to have reached a level of equilibrium years before I did. She still has a way to, but she is incredibly strong. I if you haven't guessed by now, yes I am a very proud dad.
Snakes we are indeed the same age and I will be 43 in August and Emily has just turned 22. As to progress and our own personal journeys I think when you stand against a great cedar or a Parrot. 43 is nothing my Friend! There is a lot to be said for the wisdom that the graying of ones temples brings, that would be wasted in the young. Leaving the organization young is fraught with danger. Lamb to the slaughter doesn't touch the sides! I survived the rapids during that period of my life. I did all the things the youth book warned me about. what it never did do though was help equip me to be a human being. that was an experience of free fall, that we all make. Learning to breath and enjoy the view instead having ones eyes scrunched shut waiting to hit the ground with a thud, is something Emily has managed to do much earlier than me.
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What I do know is that there is peace to be found and there love to be had, after the organisation
by LIftsong inmy mother became a jw when i was six months old so i was brought up within the confines of the organisation.
i left properly in my early twenties and i am now 43 so a good 22 years of life, post being a witness have i travelled and documented thus far.
mine was a typical experience of a child in the congregation and i was busy doing my best to be a little adult as the child within slowly fell asleep.
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LIftsong
Wow. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. Not because I am great big softy Well maybe a little, but because of the genuine warmth in the responses to my posting! Thank you so much. Actually my name is Paul, not Mark as I posted but I figure we have all been at the mercy of enough deceat so feel more comfortable using my real name.
Paul
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44
What I do know is that there is peace to be found and there love to be had, after the organisation
by LIftsong inmy mother became a jw when i was six months old so i was brought up within the confines of the organisation.
i left properly in my early twenties and i am now 43 so a good 22 years of life, post being a witness have i travelled and documented thus far.
mine was a typical experience of a child in the congregation and i was busy doing my best to be a little adult as the child within slowly fell asleep.
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LIftsong
My mother became a JW when I was six months old so I was brought up within the confines of the organisation. I left properly in my early twenties and I am now 43 so a good 22 years of life, post being a witness have I travelled and documented thus far. Mine was a typical experience of a child in the congregation and i was busy doing my best to be a little adult as the child within slowly fell asleep. My first tentative steps in my quest for freedom way back then began with a letter to my congregation requesting that I be disassociated when I was just 21. I remember vividly the day I was visited by two elders, both of whom I had known all my life and were as familiar to me as my own family. I will never forget as one of them said as though he was requesting two spoons of sugar in his tea as opposed to one. “Oh Mark I am very sad for you as the last person that said this to me ended up blowing his brains out with a shot gun”.... We sat in silence for sometime as I recall as my young wife rocked quietly sobbing and cradling our beautiful 18 month old baby on her arms. She was asleep and blissfully unaware as to the momentous decisions I was making that would also shape and effect who she would later become. Yes that is one of the memories I have that we file under “damage do not open”! As god is my witness (all puns intended) those were his exact words. A cold front designed to chill a vulnerable 21 year old young man. Contrary to what was being said to me by all those around me, contrary to the threats of losing my right to the resurrection as I was baptised, contrary to the chorus of “like a dog I had returned to my own vomit “that echoed in my head during those 4.00am moments of which I had many. The truth was (and again all puns intended) fairly simple, I had reached a juncutre whereby I couldn’t breath anymore. I had honed to perfection the brotherly mask as I played out my role. The truth is I had no idea who I was. And as I looked at my little daughter , my heart rang out that I didn’t want her to grow up half asleep .
As I stared up at the microphone in my smart little bow tie, reaching my hand up as far as it would go to answer my Watch Tower question that had been so well rehearsed, the most precious thing I had, that we all have we all have is the essence of who we are, and this was being taken away from me little by little, day after day, month after month that turned into years. The essence of who we are feeds the organisation. From the mouths of babes indeed. Yes those were my first tentative steps on the journey to find out who I actually was and looking back then at my reflection that stared back at me I was was someone I wanted to get to know. I wanted to be a friend to myself, not the enemy from within.
I would say to anyone just leaving or thinking of leaving the organisation. Be true to who you are. Be aware of course and effect. Damage is damage. Low self esteem is just that and it manifests itself in the same way whether you have been in the organisation or not. Emotional deprivation is just that and all humans react the same to a greater or lesser degree. Contrary to what you are told do listen to your inner self. It is part of who are adn is there to guide you. It is true we are not designed to walk this path alone, but if you have a spiritual need within, which I believe we all do, you come to realise we are all one and we are as lonely as we allow ourselves to be. I have come to know and love the universe as it should be approached and that we are all part of this journey and we all have a responsibility to do our bit. This is a big subject and I digress! I have devoted over twenty years to being the best person I can be since leaving the organisation and hopefully another 20 or so on top of that is to follow.The relationship I have with my daughter is amazing, though boy did I have to fight for it over the years, but is was more than worth it.
What I do know is that there is peace to be found and there love to be had, after the organisation, but as it should be for each individual reading this, totally bespoke to you. It is these perfect pieces of the jigsaw, so denied to those within the organisation that is real soul food and leads to enlightenment and emotional well being.
Your friend (without a shotgun licence)