Monster

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Posts by Monster

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  18

  have we got it wrong ? - lets review this year

  by Jim Dee in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  lets review this year.

  un debacle, silent lambs roared, panorama, cnn, dateline, march on brooklyn - all unheard of 12 months ago.. where has it got us, wtbs is still there - un moved and unphased.. have we done any damage - or did we get it wrong?.

  i'm no lover of the society - but will anything move these guys?.

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  Monster

  I just hope the jws were right when they said, one day all religions will fall and be destroyed. That's going to be a time to celebrate.

  Peace James.
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  56

  Fred Price a Jehovah's Witness????

  by JT in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  for years i have seen this guy on tv i recall going out to la for a dc and his church was located in the territory of the bethelites family i stayed with and we laughed at how he was getting over on folks, just taking their money.

  and now i learn that he got his early training from the jehovahs witnesses.

  yes i think fred price is my new idol.

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  Monster

  I remember him, my dad use to listen to him when I was a child every sunday morning before he became a jw. It's a small world. Thanks for that little bit of information, I have to let the family know.

  Peace James.
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  16

  Why be so nice to religion?

  by IronGland in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  it seems to me that in the u.s. most anything religious is always considered a good thing.

  nearly all media go out of their way for religious organizations in ways they rarely would for anything else.

  for all the religion bashing whining that the christians do in this country, i rarely see anything in public that bashes religion any more than anything or anyone else.

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  Monster

  Hey Iron, excellent question.

  I feel that it's just in humans to think that anyone who says he/she is for god, or living for god has higher morals standards than the rest of us, we want to see all good in these people, we want to believe they are the next best thing to Jesus christ in a corrupt world. When I see the injustice caused by religion I too wonder why we treat them so special. I think religions are one of the most dangerous ,corrupt organizations in the world today. I am so sick of the bloodshed and misuse of power and trust we have placed in them,it's time now for them to pay the piper.

  Peace James.
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  36

  Are JW lawyers crooked?

  by Jerry Bergman in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i have heard much about crooked watchtower lawyers on this site and wondered if anyone had anything to back this up?

  i have my own experience (extremely bad) and was wondering about others.

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  Monster

  144, same to you . I understand the point you made also believe it or not next time I will becareful how I "judged" a group of people in the same business. And thanks but i love helping people it's the least I can do.

  Peace James
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  36

  Are JW lawyers crooked?

  by Jerry Bergman in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i have heard much about crooked watchtower lawyers on this site and wondered if anyone had anything to back this up?

  i have my own experience (extremely bad) and was wondering about others.

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  Monster

  144, I understand your point, however the money I live on is only to pay rent . I don't come from a poor family never said, I did I don't have to work for a living, I work for the childern and other victims here who are suffereing everyday just to make it through the day, childern who are raped and their stories will never be told because no one gives a flying fu.k, So about 98% of my money does go to charitable events. Send some of those caring lawyers over to the West side of Chicago I promise I won't turn them away.

  ,As far as me "condemning others " for living off it, I simply gave my opinion like EVERYONE else did, you don't have to agree with it, hell you don't have to like it, but like everyone else here I experessed how I felt, plain and simple.

  Peace James

  If any of you want to come and donate your time, please do we accept all help just let me know .
• 
  36

  Are JW lawyers crooked?

  by Jerry Bergman in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i have heard much about crooked watchtower lawyers on this site and wondered if anyone had anything to back this up?

  i have my own experience (extremely bad) and was wondering about others.

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  Monster

  It's true there are SOME crooked lawyers, just as there are crooked individuals in all trades & professions. It's a bit unfair to paint everyone with the same brush don't you think. mack

  That's something that needs to be kept in mind when attacking ALL Jehovah's Witnesses. Keep in mind the stupidity behind lableing all Jws as being brain washed and etc.

  Peace James.
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  36

  Are JW lawyers crooked?

  by Jerry Bergman in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i have heard much about crooked watchtower lawyers on this site and wondered if anyone had anything to back this up?

  i have my own experience (extremely bad) and was wondering about others.

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  Monster

  Monster, you seem upset that lawyers are "in it for the money." I wonder what you work for? Do you volunteer all of your time, or do you expect to be paid for working? If you aren't a full-time volunteer, then isn't it a bit hypocritical for you to gripe that lawyers get paid for their work?

  Since you asked: I work as a volunteer for childeren in the community I don't get paid, I own my own business putting my own money in there & putting most of it in the commuity, I don't twist facts like I have seen lawyers do just to win a case, lawyers will slide on their bellies to win a case the hell with anything else. I NEVER met a lawyer who was in it just to do a good deed or in your words volunteer.

  This is a damn computer I don't have a F@cking thing to be hypocritical about and that's just being honest. thank you.

  Peace James.

  Edited by - Monster on 25 November 2002 11:52:11
• 
  36

  Are JW lawyers crooked?

  by Jerry Bergman in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i have heard much about crooked watchtower lawyers on this site and wondered if anyone had anything to back this up?

  i have my own experience (extremely bad) and was wondering about others.

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  Monster

  ALL Lawyers are CROOKED

  They don't help you because they have hearts they are in it for the money and any thing else they can get out of it. Think about it, if it wasn't for the money they wouldn't give you the time of the day.

  Peace James
• 
  7

  Jehovah's Witnesses Jokes funny stuff.

  by Monster in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  okay i don't know what's gotten in me this week but i thought you all might get a good laugh out of these jokes.

  jehovah's witness computer viruses

  jehovah's witness virus: keeps banging the head in your hard drive!

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  Monster

  You must just must, listen to "a jehovah'sw witness true colors" that's some funny stuff.
• 
  7

  Jehovah's Witnesses Jokes funny stuff.

  by Monster in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  okay i don't know what's gotten in me this week but i thought you all might get a good laugh out of these jokes.

  jehovah's witness computer viruses

  jehovah's witness virus: keeps banging the head in your hard drive!

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  Monster

  okay I don't know what's gotten in me this week but I thought you all might get a good laugh out of these jokes.

  Jehovah's Witness Computer Viruses

  • Jehovah's Witness Virus: Keeps banging the head in your hard drive!
  • Jehovah's Witness Virus: Deletes all but 144000 select files.
  • Jehovah's Witness-Unitarian Virus: Opens up a LOT of Windows, but for no apparent reason.

  I'm a Jehovah's Bystander. We's like the Witnesses, only we don't wanna get involved.
  - Flip Wilson
  
  While traveling near Tampa, Florida I passed the "Jehovah's Witness Assembly Hall" and was struck by the fact that that must be where they make them.
  - Gene Spafford
  
  What do you get when you cross a devil worshipper with a Jehovah's Witness?
  Someone who goes from door to door telling people to go to hell.
  
  What do you get when you cross a Mafia soldier with a Jehovah's Witness?
  Lots of converts.
  
  What does Hannibal Lector call a Jehovah's Witness? Free delivery!
  - Jay Leno
  
  I could never be a Jehovah's Witness... I didn't see the accident. As far as I know, Jehovah didn't hit anybody.
  - Greg Taylor
  
  My Avon lady just became a Jehovah's Witness. That may not mean much to you, but it saves me one more trip to the door.
  - George Carlin
  
  I saw justice in action today for the first time ever. I went out for breakfast this morning with my girlfriend, saw a Jehovah's Witness lock himself out of his own house. Kept ringing the bell.
  - Lou Eisen

  
  
  Do you know what it's like to have one already in the house?
  - Julie Barr (comedian) about her sister, a JW
  
  How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
  Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!
  
  What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Agnostic?
  Someone who goes door to door for no apparent reason.
  
  These Jehovah's Witnesses are sick of the 'turn the other cheek' way of spreading the word. Answer the door or else!
  
  I'm a queer ex-Jehovah's Witness - and I won't knock on your door!"
  - Jim Moon
  
  Ask a Jehovah's Witness: If Jesus were in the hospital and needed an operation, could he get a blood transfusion from God?
  
  I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them.
  - Bruce Clark
  
  Jehovah's Witness Puppies
  A young boy was walking along the road with puppies in a wagon. He was walking by a church where the priest was standing outside on the grass. Curious, the priest asks "What kind of puppies are those?" In reply the boy said: " They're Catholic puppies". The preist chuckled and the boy was on his way. The same boy walked by the church once more and the priest this time was standing with some nuns. The priest said "Watch this" and asked again "What kind of puppies are those?" The boy this time said "Jehovah's Witness Puppies." The priest, shocked, said, "I thought You said they were Catholic puppies." The boy said "Yeah, but today they got their eyes open!!!!"
  
  Acronym for Jehovah's Witnesses: Jamming Every Halldoor Or Vestibule Aperture, Heavy Session With Interminable Theology Nutcase. Eventually Successfully Slam Entry Shut.
  - Tony McCoy O'Grady
  
  I am Jehovah's Witness of Borg. I will witness assimilation!
  
  Why do mobsters hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
  They hate all witnesses!
  
  The Jehovah's Witness Anti-Trinitarian Bible
  All verses to the Trinity have been edited to reflect the latest JW scholarship (dating from the early 1930's). Special features include a list of all failed prophecies and doctrinal loop-de-loops by JW leadership with plausible sounding but confusing explanations for each. Extra Special Feature: Witnessing "brownie points" calculator for door-to-door work.
  
  Old Version: Armageddon will come while the generation of people who saw World War I are still alive.
  "New Light": Nobody knows the day or the hour. Forget we ever mentioned the generation that saw World War I.
  - C. J. Silverio
  
  Newbie: What exactly is the "good news of the kingdom" for Witnesses? Is it like, everyone is forgiven for everything and God loves us, and stuff like that?
  JW: Not exactly. Basically the good news is just for us - that we're not included in the 99.9% of the world's population who are going to be slaughtered for not submitting in every way to the organization.
  
  Three Religious Truths
  1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
  2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
  3. Jehovah's Witnesses do not recognize each other at the porn shop.
  
  
  Two Mormon missionaries were walking down the street when they ran into two Jehovah's Witnesses coming directly at them from the opposite direction. The elders stopped, and one of the Jehovah's Witnesses said, "We don't move for false witnesses."
  One missionary said, "We do," and they went around them.
  
  

  SCULLY: Uh, Virgil Nokes? I'm Agent Scully. This is Agent Mulder. We're with the FBI.
  FARMER: Jehovah's Witness?
  SCULLY: No, sir. Federal Bureau of Investigation.
  MULDER: But we do have a free copy of "The Watchtower" for you if you'd like.
  - from XFiles, episode Drive
  
  Calvin: Exactly! I mean...who wears a suit in the Projects?
  Juicy: Jehovah Witnesses?
  Calvin: Them and the Bougie man!
  - from The PJs, episode Cliffhangin' with Mr. Super
  
  Marge: Last week, some Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door, and I wouldn't let them leave. They snuck away when I went into the kitchen to get more lemonade.
  - from The Simpsons, episode Marge Gets a Job
  
  

  A man went to a pet shop and purchased a parrot. Apparently, the parrot belonged to a Jehovah's Witness because it kept repeating, "Read the WATCHTOWER. Read the AWAKE. Read the Bible daily. SQUAWK. Jehovah is God."
  Well, the new owner of the bird tried to keep long-playing recordings on all day, everyday, to help the parrot learn new words. Months went by and nothing happened. The parrot continued to "preach" to him with no changes in his vocabulary.
  One day the owner became frustrated and infuriated and THREW the parrot across the room and it smashed against the wall and slid down to the floor. The parrot started squawking, "No blood! No Blood! No Blood!"
  
  

  King James Version of the Bible: $20
  Book of Mormon: $0, by request
  Copy of the Koran: $30
  Rosary: $10
  Artificial Lamb's Blood for Pentagram: $5 a gallon
  The horribly confused and scared look on the face of the next Jehovah's Witness who you open the door for: Priceless
  There are some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's Mastercard. Accepted everywhere, including atheist and agnostic conventions.
  - Another Bassoonist
  
  

  Entering into Heaven/Paradise
  
  A man arrives at the gates of heaven. The Archangel asks, "Religion?"
  The man says, "Methodist."
  The Archangel looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
  Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
  "Baptist."
  "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
  A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
  "Jewish."
  "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
  The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
  The Archangel tells him, "Well, the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."
  
  

  How to Annoy and Confuse JWs, and
  Maybe Even Get an "X" Marked over Your House
  On the "Territory Map"

  (The ones marked with an asterisk are mine. Feel free to take them, with a link to this site)

  • When they ask, "Can I talk to you about God?" Reply, "Sure, what would you like to know?"
  • Ask them for their address. When they ask why you want it, claim that you want to appear on their doorstop uninvited so that you can peddle your own beliefs.
  • For males only: While you're talking with them, start putting on lipstick... and remark that you have a hot date.
  • Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?"
  • Tell them you already have your own religion. When they ask what it is, wince a little before confessing, "er, I'm not sure if it's legal in this country."
  • A chalk outline of a human body on the pavement, and a few copies of "The Watchtower" scattered around...
  • Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the forty-two children.
  • Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.
  • Say, "I'm sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet."
  • Pick an oft-repeated word in the "approved lexicon" and giggle or say "beep" whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones.
  • Go to a Kingdom Hall and put one of those "No Soliciting" signs on the door (or do as one woman did recently and show up at a public meeting to share the good news of your religion with them. *)
  • Every time they say "God," or the ever-popular "Jehovah-God," say "or Goddess." *
  • Tell them you know they mean well, but you believe in a "God of love and forgiveness." *
  • Wear an American Flag and start talking about how you're proud to be an American. *
  • Ask them what day the sun was created, since it is the source of light, the marker of days, the sun, and a star. *
  • Ask them how the "fruits of the spirit" are manifested by current news items regarding JWs (take your pick: protecting pedophiles, JWs who murder their families, etc. Check JW News for the latest.) *
  • Ask them who Cain married. *
  • Remark that the "new light" seems to be blinking a lot lately. *
  • Ask them why the Watchtower Society isn't based in Jerusalem, but in New York. *
  • Ask them about the recent "corporate restructuring" of the Watchtower Society. *
  • Ask them who owns their Kingdom Hall. *
  • Ask them to sit quietly and concentrate on their breathing. *
  • Ask them if independent thinking is still "against their religion" - "Awake!" indeed! *
  • Ask them if they think Jesus' feelings might be hurt when no-one partakes of the wine and bread at his memorial dinner. *

  Or better yet, don't annoy and confuse them - just pretend you're not home! Any response from you is interpreted as an invitation.
  
  

  Download jwtruecolors.wav 139 kb - A Jehovah's Witness shows her true colors (warning: profanity)
  
  

  In a rural area in the USA where telephone party-lines are still in use, a "nosy neighbor" habitually would listen in on the conversation of one of Jehovah's Witnesses who had recently moved nearby. One day the Witness picked up the phone to make a call, heard her name spoken, and just couldn't resist listening in:
  
  ".....Well, no, Mabel, I can't really find any fault with her as a neighbor. In Fact, she came over to meet me soon after they moved in and brought some cookies. But they have some pret-ty strange ideas! What? Well, like, they mean to take over the government! What? No, she didn't EXACTLY tell ME that -- but I overheard her on the phone one day and she kept talking about what it would be like under the "New System"! Yes! -- even has a name for it -- calls it Theo- Theok - Theokracy, whatever THAT means.
  
  How? by MOB ACTION, Mabel! Yes. She said that they are a "GREAT CROWD"! and listen: They're going to make their move real soon, cause she said someone named JEHOVAH is "speeding it up"! Do you think he might be their "Guru", or something?
  
  And, Mabel -- they have an international Spy Ring going! No -- I'm not joking! It's a system they are just putting into operation -- developed it at their "Headquarters", she said, and it's called "NEPS"! And get this -- it's in 200 languages!
  
  Well, here's how it works, Mabel:
  
  First, the "check out a territory" -- Yes! They send in their very best workers! And they've even got code names -- "PIONEERS"! And she said they "spearhead the work"!
  
  Well, these PIONEERS go and get their instructions every month. What? Well, I know because I heard her ask her friend if she had got her February "KM" yet. (I think it stands for Keep Mum!)
  
  And Mabel, THEY KIDNAP PEOPLE WHO DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. No! They do so! I've heard her speak about "the Ransom" -- bold as you please, I don't know how many times!
  
  Oh, I tell you, Mabel, these people are SMART! Why, they can read foreign languages! Yes, they can! She is always saying she read something or other in the "HEBREW" or "GREEK" scriptures. Fancy that!
  
  And you know, they must make slaves out of the people who don't get ransomed. They must -- she refers to the "SLAVE CLASS" a lot. And this is something -- some are "Faithful Slaves", and then there are the "Evil Slaves" -- I figure they're probably the ones who won't work. Why? Because she was telling her friend about someone she said was INACTIVE for about a year! (It's a wonder they let them live, isn't it?)
  
  What's that, Mabel? Oh, no, they get their money from their secular work -- they wouldn't stir up attention by making money off of their books and stuff. Yes, they are in all kinds of jobs. A few of them must run fabric shops, because she mentions a "REMNANT" quite a bit. And some raise sheep -- Yes, some have only a "LITTLE FLOCK" and some raise "OTHER SHEEP" -- but she didn't mention what breed they were. Then some of them are farmers, and get this Mable: She said that THEIR HARVEST IS GREAT! Now, you know how hard most of the farmers in this area have been hit by the drought this year -- Well, the Devil looks after his own, I always say! Now where was I?
  
  Oh, yes! Some of them are even PUBLISHERS! You can imagine what sort of stuff THEY print! And I think her husband is a Doctor or some sort of medical man. What? No -- I'm not kidding. She said he had made several calls on some who were IRREGULAR -- and had very good results!"
  
  

  

  ARE CATS FOR CHRISTIANS?

  Watchtower Society Logic at it's finest! Completely fiction, but shows how anything can be manipulated into WT reasoning. (note from VirusHead - actually, not completely fiction. See the non-joke version at a circuit overseer's page: http://www.angelfire.com/ky/proclaimer/cat.htm. I don't know who influenced who here...) Update: The overseer's page has been taken down...hmmm.

  Many conscientious ones among Jehovah's people today have wondered if Christians should own cats. The issue is of life-or-death importance since to stumble a brother that Christ died for is tantamount to "putting a millstone around the neck and being thrown into the sea." Clearly our eternal salvation is involved. First let us consider what most scholars agree is the original Greek for the English word cat is felos domesticus meaning literally "a contemporary housecat with all of its beastly identifying characteristics and behavior." Clearly the Bible by using this kind of Original Greek shows beyond a doubt that the basic nature of cats is evil or "beastlike" much like Satan the "Original Serpent" and "the Great Dragon". There are numerous reasons why a Loyal Dedicated Servant of God should use their Bible-trained conscience to arrive at a proper understanding of why Cats are not for Christians. Consider the following facts with an open mind:

  • 1) It was a common practice in ancient Egypt to worship cats as gods. As Christians we are to "guard ourselves from idols" and "worship no other gods". Such feline influence could lead to idolatry and thereby "grieve Jehovah's spirit" with tragic consequences.
  • 2) Cats were most likely present at Herod's birthday party when John the Baptist was beheaded. Clearly then, as loyal Christians, why would we even want to associate with animals that are without a doubt of such bad influence remembering "bad associations spoil useful habits"? To invite cats in our house may result in the same grave consequences as suffered by John the Baptist. Clearly, God disapproved of this party. Should we not then disapprove of cats the way God does? Surely!
  • 3) Throughout history, particularly in the middle ages and reaching its climax in the Salem Witch Trials of the 1600's, cats were recognized as carriers if not direct incarnates of demons. Since cats were associated with the devil could we as loyal and dedicated servants of God therefore associate with cats and thereby associate with Satan himself the "God of this system of things"? Would we want to be subject to such vile influence and possible demonic attacks? Surely not!
  • 4) Nowhere in the Bible are any type of cats spoken of in favorable terms. In fact was it not lions of the first century who the Devil used to devour faithful Christians? God himself "Stopped up the mouths of lions" in Daniel's day. True, the small housecats of today are not lions, but being of the same cursed animal family used by the Devil on numerous occasions throughout history, would it be wise or appropriate to own one? In addition, by owning any type of cat, would we not give an appearance of condoning their evil deeds throughout recorded Bible and secular history. The Bible makes clear that God's people are "no part of the world" and that we are "not to share in the sins of others".
  • 5) The scriptures clearly indicate that neither Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Job, the Apostles, or Jesus himself owned a cat. This was most likely because they didn't want to be like the Pagan contemporaries of their day who showed no regard for how God feels about owning cats. In harmony with the pattern set by the faithful prophets of old, surely it would not be fitting for a Christian today to own a cat.
  • 6) Finally, cats are unclean animals. Some unclean practices indulged in by cats include coughing up furballs, licking inappropriate body areas, urinating on the floor, eating dead animals with their blood, sexual misconduct without the benefit of marriage, abuse of catnip, and stealing food from the table, just to name a few. Uncleanness is one of the "works of the flesh" condemned by the apostle Paul. The Bible clearly shows that "neither fornicators ..........or thieves will not inherit the Kingdom". In addition Paul admonishes us to "quit mixing in company" with such unclean ones. Although the Apostle Paul was speaking primarily about Christians who fell into sin, there is no reason to conclude that this Inspired Biblical principle can not be applied to association with cats. Uncleanness is condemned by Jehovah and the fact that the Apostle Paul made no distinction when it came to associating with house cats proves beyond a doubt that Loyal Christians must avoid all association with such animals.

  Are we not grateful for this new light coming from God's organization? Sister Catless tells us that since getting rid of her cat she has not had to be preoccupied with cleaning the litterbox and now has alot more time to go pioneering. Brother Bobcat puts it this way, "I'm so grateful that God freed me of the burden of owning a cat. I hope all of the brothers will realize how the devil uses cats to corrupt us and distract from the preaching work."(Matt 24:14) What fine examples of faithfulness! As loyal followers of Christ's thinking on this matter, we can rejoice in the fact that in the new system God will reward all of our efforts to maintain integrity by loyally submitting to the leading of his spirit through the "Faithful and discreet slave".
  - Dave Buskirk

  
  
  

  
  
  

  100 Ways to Tell if You're a JW

  Author Unknown
  Source: http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/christianexjehovahswitnesses Messages 913 - 917
  

  • 001) If your reaction to someone wearing a Cross is the same as a vampire's, you might be a JW.
  • 002) If you think demons can reduce their size to fit in jewelry, furniture, books, or into blue smurfs, you might be a JW.
  • 003) If you equate the numbers 1 to 5 with hours on a time slip, you might be a JW (just not a very good one).
  • 004) If you feel that death is much more important than birth, you might be a JW.
  • 005) If you think that all R-rated movies are not worth seeing, you might be a JW.
  • 006) If you think that all men with beards and long hair are not acceptable, you might be a JW.
  • 007) If you think that Circuit Overseers do not receive a salary, you are a JW.
  • 008) If you think Circuit and District Overseers stay in cheap hotels or the drafty homes of common neighborhood folk during conventions, you are a JW.
  • 009) If you think Jesus hasn't accomplished much of anything for the past 86 years, you aren't the only JW who does.
  • 010) If you think JW's are not a cult, you are a pitiful JW.
  • 011) If you think the Watchtower is not capable of mind control, you are a JW.
  • 012) If you think field service is other than working in the corn fields, you might be a JW.
  • 013) If you think elders are other than elderly people, you might be a JW.
  • 014) If the newspaper headlines read: "All humans on earth are smashed, and destroyed on Christmas day. Only JW's survive!!" and this would bring joy to your heart, you'd be a JW.
  • 015) If you have constant pain in your right shoulder and can't unclasp your right hand, you probably have bookbagitis, a disease unique to JWs.
  • 016) If you can't have a conversation with another human being without hearing a voice in your head saying, "CONVERT HIM OR DIE!", you are probably a JW.
  • 017) If you are a male and sitting in a Kingdom Hall when a very good looking young lady comes in in a miniskirt, and your first thought is, "How immodest that sister is!" rather than, "Oh Thank God!", then most likely you are a JW.
  • 018) If you eat turkey on Thanksgiving and feel guilty about it but insist that it is only because they were "on sale", you are a JW.
  • 019) If you have costume parties for the "young ones" within a month of Halloween, and, if you wrap presents in brown paper to give each other on "Family Gift Day", you are not only a JW, but a Worldly Wannabe and aren't fooling anybody.
  • 020) If you have awful dreams about getting caught holding someone else's cigarette and no one will believe you that it's not yours, you're probably a JW.
  • 021) If you can't buy a pair of shoes without thinking about how comfortable they will need to be while walking down residential streets in 95 degree heat, then you're a JW.
  • 022) If you just bought a dress that comes down to your mid calf that has puffy sleeves, a collar that button to your chin and lace trim, then you are a JW with a part on an Assembly. You might even be thinking about wearing makeup for the occasion.
  • 023) If you have a child that is 3 years old that sits quietly for hours at a time while adults discuss mind numbingly boring topics around him, and you brag about him to all your friends... you might as well get a saddle for him and ride him because you broke his spirit and he is no longer a child. And you might be a Jehovah's Witness.
  • 024) If you allow an organization to take the place of Christ, you are most likely a JW.
  • 025) If you think of an ark as an organization, you must be a JW.
  • 026) If you believe that God ignored everyone for nearly 2,000 years, then suddenly gave His truth to a man who sat around drawing pictures and plans of pyramids, you must be a JW.
  • 027) If you can't pick up a book, or anything else to read, without picking up something to underline with also, you might be a JW.
  • 028) If you insist in calling the New Testament the Greek Scriptures, you might be a JW.
  • 029) If you treat all people wearing crosses like they're idiots, you might be a JW.
  • 030) If you have a tendency to justify lying, cheating and stealing if you do it yourself, you might be a JW.
  • 031) If when you drive by a church building you suddenly feel all smug and superior, you might be a JW.
  • 032) If when you drive by a Kingdom Hall you suddenly feel all warm and fuzzy, you might be a JW or drunk, or both.
  • 033) If you feel you have a great wealth of Bible knowledge, you might be a JW.
  • 034) If you're sure your neighbors are all conspiring against you, you might be a JW.
  • 035) If you've spent days at a baseball stadium and never saw a ball and didn't even have a beer, you might be a JW.
  • 036) If you possess the ability to sing loudly and proudly even if you're tone deaf, you might be a JW.
  • 037) If the only verse you can quote from memory is Psalms 83:18, you might be a JW.
  • 038) If you're afraid of someone seeing you with a beer in your hand, you might be a JW.
  • 039) If you're always afraid someone might see and hear you when you're finally just being "normal", you might be a JW.
  • 040) If most of the songs you sing have numbers for titles, you might be a JW.
  • 041) If the first names of most of your best friends are either "brother" or "sister", you might be a JW.
  • 042) If you've never watched Friends or Sienfeld, you might be a JW.
  • 043) If your church is a "hall" and a sermon is a "public talk", you might be a JW.
  • 044) If you wash cars or windows for a living but still own five suits, you might be a JW.
  • 045) If you've never worn comfortable clothes in your life, you might have been a JW, from birth.
  • 046) If you can have a Bible study without a Bible, you might be a JW.
  • 047) If you're 25 years old and have never kissed anyone but your mom, you might be a JW.
  • 048) If you go to New York for the weekend and spend the whole day in a publishing factory in Brooklyn, you might be a JW.
  • 049) If the words "New Light" do not remind you of the hardware section at K-Mart, you might be a JW.
  • 050) If you think morning coffee break is a perfect time to preach to someone, you may be a JW.
  • 051) If you think that service to God can be measured in hours, you might be a JW.
  • 052) If you think men are superior to women, you may be a JW.
  • 053) If you think sex is a yucky thing you must endure, you may be a female JW.
  • 054) If you think you're entitled to having sex regardless of what you wife: thinks, says, or how she feels, you might be a male JW.
  • 055) If you think it's unfaithful to God to get an education or get a good paying job, you might be a JW.
  • 056) If you check the Watchtower Index every time you have a question about anything, you might be a JW.
  • 057) If you find out your co-worker's mother died, and your first thought is not, "Oh, how awful", but, "This is a great opportunity to talk about the Kingdom!"... you might be a JW.
  • 058) If you think a Buick is a spiritually superior automobile...you might be a JW (Or you might be right):)
  • 059) If the thought of entering a Christian Book Store sends shivers up and down your spine, you might be a JW.
  • 060) If you expect to receive Christmas presents but not to give them, you might be a JW.
  • 061) If hearing the term "Governing Body" causes you to become awestruck, you might be a JW.
  • 062) If you think the term "pioneer" refers to someone other than Davey Crockett, you might be a JW.
  • 063) If you think of window washing as a career move, you might be a JW.
  • 064) If you think attending 5 meetings a week is a delightful spiritual experience, you might be a JW.
  • 065) If you think Santa is another word for Satan and the elves are demons, you might be a JW.
  • 066) -lost-
  • 067) If you feel weak in the knees when you hear the term "apostate", you might be a JW.
  • 068) If you think your "mother" lives in New York City, you might be a JW.
  • 069) If you think all four door vehicles are "witness wagons", you might be a JW.
  • 070) If you feel guilty for having natural desires, you might be a JW.
  • 071) If you think 1914 is the year to end all years, you might be a JW.
  • 072) If you think YOU conjectured the year 1975 (as the year the end would come, instead of the Society), you might be a JW.
  • 073) If your closet if full of cheap polyester suits, you might be a JW.
  • 074) If you never owned a Christmas tree, you might be a JW.
  • 075) If you think the sound of a door slamming shut is Christian persecution, you might be a JW.
  • 076) -lost-
  • 077) -lost-
  • 078) If you think Russell, Rutherford, and Franz are gods in heaven, you might be a JW.
  • 079) If you have a tendency to refer to books by color instead of by title...You might be a JW.
  • 080) If you read all these, and didn't allow yourself to laugh... you're definitely a JW.
  • 081) If you hear "Along the Watchtower" by Jimi Hendrix or "Walk of Life" by Dire Straits and you feel spiritually refreshed, you might be a JW.
  • 082) If you think the New World Translation is the least biased and most accurate translation, you might be a JW.
  • 083) If you think it took 1,935 years to get 144,000 true Christians, you might be a JW.
  • 084) If you think 1799 is the start of the last days, 1874 is when Christ returned, and 1914 is the conclusion of Armageddon, you might be a very old, disfellowshipped JW.
  • 085) If you think "The Finished Mystery" which was released in 1917 was "meat in due season", you might be a JW who has never read the book.
  • 086) If you think the "Should You Believe in the Trinity" brochure is nothing but honest and accurate information, you might be a JW.
  • 087) If you think the destruction of Jerusalem occurring in 607 BCE is soundly supported by historical evidence, you might be a JW.
  • 088) If you think "Jehovah" was in the original writings of the New Testament, you might be a JW.
  • 089) If the Bible makes a statement and the Watchtower says, "Logically, this cannot mean what it says" and you believe the Watchtower is correct, you might be a JW.
  • 090) If you view cleaning up a messy backyard as practice for working in the New Order, you might be a JW.
  • 091) If Gospel music makes you cringe, but secular music makes you feel good, you might be a JW.
  • 092) If you believe there was a Governing Body before 1971, you might be a JW.
  • 093) If you watch "Oprah" and you see the people who pass the microphones and it reminds you of a meeting, you might be a JW.
  • 094) If you believe that New Light that becomes Old Light and then becomes New Light again is God's way of doing things, you might be a JW.
  • 095) If you think the Watchtower was preaching the truth in the years 1914-1919, you are definitely a JW.
  • 096) If you go to "Home Depot" and go down the aisle where the doors for homes are displayed, and you feel the urge to knock on them, you might be a JW.
  • 097) If the "ding-dong" sound on the Avon commercials gets you excited, you might be a JW.
  • 098) If going to 7-11 is something to look forward to, you might be a JW in field service.
  • 099) If you have no construction skills and you still go to all the nearby quick-build Kingdom Hall projects, you might be a JW trying to get out of field service.
  • 100) If the Watchtower Society used to preach a certain teaching years ago and you deny they ever did, you are a good JW.

  Links to Great JW Humor

  JW Urban Lore/Legends - Having a few little problems? Burn your demon-possessed household objects! A collection of amazingly supersitious insider lore.

  Waiting for Armageddon - Jehovahs Witnesses are waiting for Armageddon, and this is what occupies their time while they wait! Hilarious.

  The Truth (as I seen it), by Gary Busselman - Very funny!

  JW Okies - When God decided to spiritualize the judgment upon the wicked at Armageddon, and to plague them with cults instead, he forgot to tell a few Jehovah's Witnesses in the backwoods of Oklahoma. They still take him literally! This is the story of those whom He is using to plague the wicked. As papa would say, "half of us are here to test the other half."

  Peace James