Somedays I've got a monster within my blood, and every so often I'd love to just give into it. Throwing the JW factor aside, I genuinely believe that having and demostrating love for others is an honorable way to live. However, and there's always a however with everything in life, but I struggle sometimes trying to be consistent with love. The nature of what I do for a living, exposes me to a variety people with health care concerns. Some matters serious, some matters downright petty. Often enough I deal with people on medical assistance, and plenty of them believe everyone owes them something. Its bad enough they recieve a lot of services and care that the average working person would never recieve without going into debt, and these same folks have the nerve to have an attitude. There's days that I'd like to put all of them on an air craft carrier and sink it. They make me want to take it there. Other times I may be watching the local news, and some random person affected by a typical situation that affects inner city folk, will be interviewed and for a brief moment I find myself looking down on that person, even questioning the value of their very existance on this planet. Like, I flirt with the thought that the world would be better off without that person and their ilk.
Then I come back to reality, back to my senses, and ask the question, "Misery who the heck are you? Huh?" It's true, I'm nobody special, and at the end of the day what I'm dealing with is impressions. Learning how to respond to those impressions and being consistent is what makes it so difficult though. Why is it so easy to hate, and look negatively upon other people, and groups of people, regardless of what catagories they may designate to themselves? Whether conservative, liberal, poor, wealthy, white, black, whatever, I pretty much hate em all. Equal oppurtunity hater, I am. Part of what causes this I wonder, is when you over-extend yourself. You can do this physicallly and practically by doing things for people. At the same time, even smiling and acting like everything is A-Ok starts to wear on you. Its almost as if its unnatural to be happy-go-lucky all the time. Like there's a hidden genocidal warrior in us, begging to let loose. Remember the Henry Rollins video for Liar? When he was smiling, but you could he was struggling to smile?
You ever deal with this? Ever struggle to do whats right by people, all the while smiling but in your heart you'd like to stomp a 10 1/2 Timberland across their jaw? At the same time, knowing you're wrong for having these thoughts and feelings? Ever want to give into it?