Find yourself a woman who cooks. Mine is making pork loins as we speak. (j/k... just excited about pork loins).
Seriously, though, I've been eating spaghetti is a good bet (if it hasn't been mentioned). You may want to get yourself a good cook book designed for absolute beginners. With proper directions and definitions of EXACTLY what some cooking terms mean (simmer? never knew what it meant until I found an exact, easy to follow definition in my cookbook), it's not that hard to teach yourself some basic meals, or even more complex ones if you're feeling adventurous. I've made hamburgers, home-made macaroni and cheese, spaghetti, twice-baked potatoes... just to name a few, and with absolutely no cooking experience.
BUT BE WARY OF COOKING WITH OIL AND KNOW HOW TO PUT OUT A FIRE IN THE UNLIKELY EVENT THAT ONE STARTS. WATER DOES NOT WORK. Had some bad experience with that...