Posts by cammygee

Dear Mom, Thank you for your last letter, I know that you care about me, and you have obviously been thinking of me and it means a lot that you’d take the time to write me. I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately too. I’ve been doing so much “soul-searching” and thinking about my life, my family, my future and my past. You know, that ol’ chestnut. I’ve had so many long conversations with Oliver, Kelsey, Bradley, Nathan, Anthony and to my friend (who happens to be a psychologist). I’ve been reading and reading and reading and pondering everything under the sun. It’s been wonderful! I’ve been thinking about things I’ve never really considered before; having children, pursuing a passion, working towards an amazing vocation. Anyway, my thought processes have led me to examine things in my past – you know – the things that have made me, me. And it’s been an interesting journey! The books I’ve read about psychology often say there’s an event in everyone’s life that occurs when they are a young child that profoundly affects them and greatly leads them to adopt their identity and make decisions – great or small – for the rest of their lives. And they won’t even know it until they truly explore their own personality and self motivation. They say that often times you can widdle it down to one event and even though it may not be a big deal, it can still have a huge effect. So I got to thinking about an event that may have had that effect on me. It didn’t come over night but eventually I remembered something and I began to really think about it and how it affected me as I grew up. I began to realize it had affected me in every aspect of my life and became more and more entrenched over the years. It affected so many decisions I made, and the very path I chose to follow. So the event was this: I remember coming home from a meeting and the bible reading was about the account (as I recall) of the “rebellious” son and the daughter who was not found to be a virgin. I don’t remember exactly but I think it was in Deuteronomy (chapters 21,22?). Anyway, their parents had them stoned to death. I remember being curious about it and I asked you about it later when we got home. I don’t know how old I was but I think I was old enough to comprehend what I was hearing but I could not read well yet. I remember you explaining that they had loved their children but Jehovah came first. I asked you if you would let your kids be stoned if they did these bad things and you said, I remember clearly, “I would throw the first stone.” You explained that you loved us but I remember you saying, “The only thing that could make me love you less, is if you left the truth.” I remember making up my mind that I would never let you love me less. And I would never leave the truth. So began my identity as a faithful servant of Jehovah and I was determined never to waiver. Yes, it has made me question my integrity to my conviction, but that’s not the point. And anyway, I DID love the truth, I really did. I BELIEVED it with all my heart. Which brings me back to you and my relationship with you. There must have been some deep, underlining resentment in me that your love was conditional and you didn’t really love me for me, although I don’t think I realized the resentment while I was growing up. On top of that, I worked very hard at developing that same kind of conditional love for others even though I don’t think it comes naturally for anyone. I believed so strongly that sacrificing my relationships with my family so as not to compromise my own spirituality, was the righteous thing to do, and it made me feel comforted. So, when you began to “falter” (stopped going to meetings, became in-active, developed a “bad attitude” toward elders as some would say, or even small things like losing your temper or swearing) I began to lose respect for you. I began to judge you at every turn – right from the beginning. I started to see you as weak and I constantly questioned your love for Jehovah. I did this almost as long as I can remember. You never had a chance. It began to spill over into everything – I felt superior to you spiritually. You said you always wanted to stay single and pioneer – well, then I would do just that. You said you wanted to be a missionary – well, then I would be a missionary. I tried to appear loving and kind toward you but really I looked down on you. And later on when you left the truth during your spiritual struggles, I saw you as a hypocrite, and wondered if you ever really loved Jehovah and I would find scriptural justification in thinking it. I wish I could remember those scriptures!! It would be interesting to read them again with a different view. I think about all those times I could have fought for you, stood up for you and defended you. But I didn’t. I just felt so justified that I was doing the right thing and you were not. I really did “throw the first stone”. I regret it! I wonder what our relationship could have been if I’d had a different view. Well, my view has changed. I don’t think I can ever have an honest relationship with you if I didn’t tell you that. My view on everything has changed – including my beliefs regarding God and religion. I KNOW that causes you pain. I haven’t forgotten what it means when a loved one leaves the Organization, and worse yet, stops believing in it. I wish I could avoid causing you pain and I know you’ve already had your fair share of it, but I have to be honest with you and with myself. You may consider me as someone who is committing the “unforgivable sin” but there is nothing I can do about that. I’d always believed that if I stopped putting faith in the bible, I would be lost, grasping around in the dark, unable to see my way through. But now I know that’s not true. I feel I have a renewed sense of energy and hope. I’m beginning to enjoy life and am thankful to be alive. I see my future as something exciting and new, like the possibilities are endless. I could never convince you that I am truly happy without you thinking Satan has made it easier for me since I am no longer a believer. So I won’t try. But I know you can be happy in this life. I think you find comfort in pain because it reminds you of what you’re willing to sacrifice for Jehovah. I think you’ve already sacrificed your whole life and all your happiness already. I wish you could find joy and true freedom in this life, but I don’t think you expect to. I daydream about you – I picture you free and being the wild, dynamic woman you are. And even though I know you think it’s wrong – I picture you dating men, traveling, shopping, letting your hair down, letting go, having fun and being free from unfounded guilt. Sometimes I think if I concentrated hard enough – one day I’ll see it. I will not sacrifice this life for the next one – because I just don’t believe there is a next one. Mom, I want an amazing relationship with you and I am committed to building one. I took into consideration that what I may say in this letter could affect your feelings toward me and that you may feel your spirituality is being compromised by associating with me. That’s why I waited so many years to be truthful to you. Because I love you and I don’t want to lose you – especially now that I’ve taken responsibility for my role in damaging our past relationship. I see you now in a very different way. I would never want to discourage you from your love of your beliefs – and anyway if I did try, I would only be fulfilling bible prophesy – that our severest tests come from those we love, from within. In your letter you said that people don’t hold out hope even for themselves, let alone others – but I will not follow that path. I will no longer pride myself on being a “sheep”. I will no longer sit back and be a spectator while this world crumbles around me, and do nothing. I will not sacrifice my happiness, my life, my children, and all my loved ones and wonder where everyone is as I lay alone on my deathbed. That’s how I see it, anyway. When I look at the world, I no longer see such disgusting values and “walking dead people”. I see hope in humanity. Can humans fix global warming? Yes. Scientists say yes we can. Will we? Not if we sit and wait for God to step in. Can we fix health issues? Yes. We no longer cut someone and bleed them hoping the “demons” will come out. Thanks to enlightened, educated thinkers life expectancy has doubled. Can we save animals from going extinct? Yes. Millions of species if animals have gone extinct over thousands of years and only now, have we been able to save them from extinction. Can we bring back the dead? Eventually yes, or at least we’ll get very close. The possibilities are endless when we consider the science of stem-cell research. Humans have been able to do amazing things and are responsible for great goodness on this earth; The abolition of slavery, black peoples right to vote and human rights. Women are no longer traded like cattle as they were in the bible. Women fought long and hard to be treated equally, and are finally doing so. Human rights are now a part of law as are civil rights. Gays and lesbians are finally fighting and achieving the same Human Rights that we all have a claim to. And this positive message is making it’s way across the globe. Humans are responsible for those things! After fighting, dying and daring to think for themselves. And yes, we still have a long way to go but I will no longer throw my hands up and walk away, thinking that I am powerless. I am grateful every day that I was born in our day as opposed to biblical times which are supposed to be closer to paradise. My intense study of history has convinced me that although life is filled sorrow, we have evolved positively. It has also shown me that life continues to cycle and many times we don’t learn from our mistakes. But sometimes we do. Anyway, this is not a thesis on disproving religion, God or the bible…. And I honestly believe that I could predict your answers if we were to debate this subject. I have given many of the same answers. It is my request to have an open and loving relationship with you. You have made it clear that you’ll always choose Jehovah, albeit painful. I know that willingness brings you comfort that you will be rewarded. I am not willing to give you up, no matter what. I promise to never give up on our relationship, or to accept your rejection of me! I will never allow any period of time to go by without contact. I will always hunt you down and let you know I love you. You will never be rid of me. I’ll chase you to the ends of the earth and I’ll find you. And I hope with all of my heart that I’m not the first, or the last, person to say this to you. I will take care of you when you’re old and can’t take care of your self, and I’ll always treat you with love and respect. I now realize your love is un-conditional after all. I know you will always love me no matter what. You and Dad. Cam

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Posts by cammygee

Letter I wrote to my mom

cammygee