The truth is you was once very naive to believe in cultish theologies like the awful JW and Pentecostal faiths.
And when you realized how wrong they are you felt very ashamed of yourself. This overwhelming shame became revolt. So you feel a need to fight against anything related to God. And in your actual worldview you can't even imagine a logical concept of God is possible.
And you continue to be very naive when you say your atheism is validated by science. Or when you try to use science to argument against philosophical and metaphysical matters.
If you was a Catholic or a traditional Protestant you would never pass through an existential crisis. Being a traditional Christian would not prevent you to accomplish anything you like.
It was not Christianity the cause of your deception.