((((((((((((((((((flower))))))))))))))))))))))
I posted four of the poems I wrote during the final year as a dub under arts n lit. Giva look see if you like that stuff.
Mimilly
Mimilly
JoinedPosts by Mimilly
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36
Depressed or suicidal? Do NOT call a doctor!
by flower in*** awake!
1975 august 22 p.25 *** .
is the turning of people from the clergy to the psychiatrists a healthy phenomenon?
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Mimilly
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5
Poetry in emotions
by Mimilly inthere are four poems here.
all were written during the 'time of the end' of my being a dub.
i think the emotions speak for themselves, and i'm sure many of you will see yourselves in them, in whole or part.
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Mimilly
There are four poems here. All were written during the 'time of the end' of my being a dub. I think the emotions speak for themselves, and I'm sure many of you will see yourselves in them, in whole or part. Ever since childhood, where I was not allowed to express myself verbally, I've turned to poetry, lyrics, drawing etc. In no other period in my life have I written more poems than with the final year as a JW.
Mine Own Insanity (Salem Gayl Reid)
My heart is the thorn upon a rose
Hiding beneath the foliage and petals
Dagger sharp from remembering all
The times the beauty was plucked and then discardedMy mind is a state of revolutionary war
A holy war, wondering which belief is right
Thoughts running for safety upon sensing the enemy
Shrapnel being detonated between the left side and rightMy body is statuesque, a layering façade
That keeps this war hidden so that no one can see clearly
When a thorn is my heart nor the holy war of mind
Nor the leaning tower of Pisa that is mine own insanity
----------------------------------------------------------------(wrote this when I was drunk – it’s when the only sure belief I had left was that God existed)
One More Day (Salem Gayl Reid)
I see a brilliant diamond shimmer and I reach to touch so gently
Though my sight is blurred and my speech is slurred, it beckons me,
By faith I see its beauty
Though I dare not brazen be to think that I deserve
One ounce of its presence, one spark of its essence
I still reach and beg it teach me love.And through the horrid nights of thunderstorms so frightening
I tremble to the point of death; oceans formed from tears I’ve wept
Then I see the diamond shimmer
In its hope there’s one more glimmer
One more day.-----------------------------------------------------------------
(this describes the elders and the congregation during the time of my shunning, interrogation etc)
Mockery (Salem Gayl Reid)
I am feeling too many sensations
I’ve had an overload of raw situations
Everyone seems to have their own explanation
So what if I’m cynical?I’m walking around in the same stagnant circles
Wishing so blatantly for heavenly miracles
Hearing the demons, so close and so lyrical
My life is satirical!Send me your well wishes done in encryption
So they won’t mark you on their lists for subscriptions
I think way too much; my intelligent prison
Ah, it’s just mockery!Hidden agendas on subliminal menus
People voluntarily ignoring their virtues
Suckers for all of those parasites’ rescues
Oh silly you! Silly me!Dangerous angels
Conscientious atrocities
The sworn inconsistencies
Condescending apologies
Mass acceptance of brutal hypocrisies
Oh really, will we ever learn!It’s all pristine mockery!
-------------------------------------------------------------(written in the hospital after the betrayal by elders et al, divorce, the whole bit)
Why Me (Salem Gayl Reid)
I ran away from everyone because I had too many thoughts
Now I see incoming tidal waves and I can’t run fast enough
In horror I trip and I fall down, then water crashes all around
Oh how did I get in this deep – there’s tons of water churning me
It’s murky, I can’t see – please God help me, I can’t breath
At the mercy of the undertow, I’m pulled deeper yet to depths below
My life flashes into pieces, I fade to black, praying to Jesus
Why, why, why me?Violently I’m hurled up on a beach, choking out water, in shock and gasping
I’m ragged, skin torn, parts broken and I’m bleeding
At least I made it to fresh air and dry ground, but
My lips start to quiver when I see no other soul around
Wet and cold make me shiver, will I ever be found?
My bloodied hands cradle my head and I cry
I’m alone, all alone, why didn’t I just die
In anger I scream out in futility
Why, why, why me!?!I lay there on the sand beneath a large star-filled sky
I am motionless with a blank look in my swollen eyes
Wondering why oh why did I fight to survive
Is there a God, and if so, can he hear me now
Is there any hope that this will work out somehow
The pain festers all through me, the fear is gargantuan
This has all happened because from reality I ran
Can I ever be forgiven, will I be forgotten?
A shattered voice within me whispers
Why, why, ……………. why me.
-----------------------------------------------------------(written during the interrogation period, after a ‘cutting’ session)
Again (Salem Gayl Reid)
All is a hush – uncalm quiet after the storm
Now I am silent, holding a broken heart in my hands, pieces still falling like iridescent
Teardrops to the floor
What good is this threadbare heart anymore?I weep I sleep I creep I cry out in pain
That night I howled as only road-kill can
Yet I find the strength to get up with each ‘end’, from somewhere…
I find myself anchored to hope again,
and again, and again, and again.Mimilly/Salem Gayl Reid
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36
Depressed or suicidal? Do NOT call a doctor!
by flower in*** awake!
1975 august 22 p.25 *** .
is the turning of people from the clergy to the psychiatrists a healthy phenomenon?
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Mimilly
This topic really hits home. (((((OFC))))))
Before my own horrors surfaced, my best friend, Starr, was dealing with issues in her life. She was a single mom with two children and trying to be the dub they wanted her to be. She would show up for field service only to go home sobbing - and no one went after her. (This was my first intro to her). We became kindred spirits. The elders considered her spiritually weak though she was far from being that. She tried everything to please them. But her heart was broken. Long story short, she killed herself after one previous attempt. I was in another province at the time. I found out from a 'sister' who told me in a letter as if it were gossip. "Oh, yeh, Starr committed suicide last week and after a lot of talking, they gave in and allowed her funeral to take place at the hall". She had begun to see a psychiatrist, but it was too late. As far as I'm concerned, the elders killed my best friend.When my own past came back to me several years later, they decided that what I needed was an exorcism. I was so trusting, and was also taught by daddy dearest not to ever, ever say 'no'. This event led me to being taken via ambulance twice, with the elders in tow to explain 'their' story. In a few months, they went from helping me get away from an abusive husband to supporting said husband and calling me dangerous, spiritually weak, and hell, one elder even said that I bewitched men and I should therefor never be around any. (What a crock!) They followed me, interrogated me endlessly to the point that my family doctor put me on tranquilizers. When I finally signed myself into the hospital - a 3month stay, they came 2 times and all they spoke about was how great others were doing. Before I was discharged, I was told that I could not rely on worldly help but was to rely on them. I went ballistic. I was so torn over the events and the hypocrisy of the past several months I locked myself in a room and tore my arms to shreds with a polysporin tube. (It was the only way I knew how to release the anger at the time) The one thing I knew - was that I could NOT rely on them, and I was NOT going to. By their fruits you will know them. Their fruits were poisonous.
The idea scares me of just how many JWs are 'bleeding out' inside and are unable to get help or to be themselves without the stigma of 'spiritually weak' being attached, or the threat of shunning etc. Once you admit you've got a problem, they don't want you - you'll tarnish their 'perfect' illusion of how happy JWs should be.I am beyond thankful for finding this site, and for the give and take that is found here. While we are all from different walks and talks of life, there is a common thread that binds.
sunbeams to those experiencing dark clouds in their lives,
Mimilly -
17
Dateline - reactions the morning after.
by dmouse inwhat happens the morning after dateline?
how will most jws react?
these are my thoughts on the matter, which, of course, are open to debate:.
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Mimilly
dmouse - (Fingers in ears) I’m not listening, I’m not listening, I’m not listening, I’m not listening, nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah …….
I couldn't help but laugh at imagining them doing that. After all, it's exactly what they do on many many levels. That would make an excellent cartoon of the JWs.
I also believe that there will be many VCRs quitely set that evening before the meeting.
roybatty - well said!
It feels great to think that a great many elders are squirming over this one! Hopefully, the Dateline show will be the beginning of THEM being put on the other side of a 'public' judicial hearing.
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New to the board
by PointBlank ini've been lurking for a few days, trying to get a feel for the board.
h2o used to be my regular hangout.
boy, has that place changed.
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Mimilly
Welcome Linda! This is a great place to be. I look forward to meeting you in chat. :)
hugs,
Mimilly -
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Education
by Jacinta inwhy does the organization discouraged a higher education?
i had a friend in the kh that decided she'd go to college and she was looked down at for choosing that.
i'll admit, she wasn't what the witnesses call 'strong in the truth'.
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Mimilly
They discourage higher education for a couple reasons.
One, the dub would be spending time around 'worldly' people and may possibly form 'associations that spoil useful habits'.
Second, higher education leads to thinking and analysing (well, for most people), and they definitely DON'T want that!
Third, they say that it takes time away from kingdumb activities like field service, study and meeting attendance. They like to keep people under their thumbs, addicted to and dependant on the WTS.
They have enough people leaving them their estates when they die, and their fare share of rich converts. The WTS is loaded with money.
I remember towards the end of my time with the JWs, that a young brother had just graduated high school. He had a part in the assembly, but when the elders found out that he was taking a '2' year course at the community college, they told him he'd be setting a very bad example and dismissed him from the assembly part. According to them, he was only to take a one year course, but the best decision was for him to pioneer. Guess what he did? He didn't go to school. He became a regular pioneer. I also was close to a sister who's husband was extrememly smart and had all the education to be a university professor. They had 5 kids, and he worked at a low paying job because that's what he was told to do.
They also didn't like me going on my EMT course. (I was a single mother) So they followed me to the town where the course was, stayed in the hotel where all the students stayed, and if we took walks at night to just get 'out' and go over the day's material, they followed in a car about 4 feet behind me. After my course, my every move was watched. They don't want people to think for themselves.
It's all about control. Bottom line. And they do this alot.
Hope this answers your question hon. -
56
Hyghlandyr's Announcement
by Hyghlandyr ini have finally gotten around to giving a cursory synopsis of my story, life before and after being one of jehovahs witnesses.. it contains the "f" word.
i have thus placed it into the adult and disagreements forum.
i have also placed it there since there are people who do not like my philosophies or what i write.
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Mimilly
Imbue, darling, you don't know shit about me. I am not drawn to anyone. I flirt with lots of guys here, but it's innocent fun. I'm no longer attractd to abusers. Use your psychology on yourself. And no, I do not have to re-read, because that is what you said.
I get my help Imbue because I am not in denial like you are. I'm honest and have lots of insight. You claim to be in the biz of helping people, and you come here and attack those who have been hurt in one way or another. Double life, or just plain nasty?
YOU are the fake. Yer the one pretending. I won't waste anymore words or thoughts on you. May you be judged as you so harshly judge others.
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Hyghlandyr's Announcement
by Hyghlandyr ini have finally gotten around to giving a cursory synopsis of my story, life before and after being one of jehovahs witnesses.. it contains the "f" word.
i have thus placed it into the adult and disagreements forum.
i have also placed it there since there are people who do not like my philosophies or what i write.
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Mimilly
Imbue - You are one angry soul. Me thinks it blinds you to other things. You have your right to like and dislike whomever you want to,and a right to your opinion, BUT.....
My beef is with what you said about helping people who's lives were far worse than Hygh's , and well documented. Firstly, if/since you work in such a field, you should know better than to compare pain and experiences. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. It's individual. Therefor, the only comparison that can be made is within one's own experiences, whomever that may be. You cannot compare pain amongst others. I know people who supposedly 'help' others with your distorted view by comparisons. It only serves to minimize other's experiences, over which you have no right to be judge of. But the intensity of your anger is a red flag to me that you should seek out some help for yourself. You're either burned out, or projecting, or both. Hygh just happened to be your target.
When I say that you should seek help for this anger.. I mean it kindly. I'm no idiot or stranger to psychology or human experience. I know a red flag when I see one, and it's you, not Hygh.
For those who didn't like Hygh's language, he did put a disclaimer about that before you could read it. So if you read it anyway, don't complain. He also put it under Adult.
Imbue, I don't know you. Please get help for that anger.. it cannot be good for you, emotionally or physically.
Mimilly
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9
Her story
by dungbeetle ini am posting this story on this board with permission of the author.
this is someone barb anderson and bill bowen have met, and permission was given to post the story because of their encouragement.
go barb and bill!!!.
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Mimilly
My anger at the WTS is increasing by the minute, not day now. To see what this woman had to go through, as well as her son, rips my heart and soul. I applaud her and appreciate that she shared her story. I send her warm hugs of recognition and validation.
To xxxxx and her son, xxxxx,
XOXOXOXOXO
Mimilly -
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Email from a JW and our correspondence
by mpatrick ini received this original email from [email protected] in regards to post i had made on the jw discussion forum on www.beliefnet.org .
hello mpatrick , ya know alot of the things that you quote i question are still in the truth , i am sorry if i affend you.
im 26 from new jersey and where are the true witnesses .
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Mimilly
I agree that this girl has some mental issues, and sadly, it sounds like the troof is keeping her in an abusive situation. But, whoa, textbook borganite jargon.
Those were not her own ideas. She may as well just push 'play' on a tape. It's annoying, yes. Mostly, it's sad.
For the record Jerome - I was never that preachy.