Thank you TD, It is very confusing.
I have a confession, the thing that bothers me the most is something I said to my oldest son who is a elder now and a very good person. I had just purchased some nice recording equipment and I was working on my music. Missing a lot of meetings, rarely going at the time. Drinking to much and partying. I felt so guilty because I still believed it was the "truth" in my heart. I just couldn't live up to it at the time. I just finished going through a divorce and remarriage and all kinds of mixed emotions. I never was a elder or servant, I was the confessionist. I had been through a number of elder meetings but never disfellowshipped just publicly reproved at the time. I couldn't bring myself to go through another elders meeting and it was impossible for me to go and fake it. I told my oldest son who at the time was only about 12 or 13... I told him I was worried about myself and if I ever leave the organization do not follow me, you follow the governing body and obey what they say. If I ever get disfellowshipped do not talk to me. I take the blame for loosing my children, my family and all of it. I should have known better but I did not. Now I wish I would have taught them to question every inspired utterance. So sad but true. I often think of this clip in the movie Young Frankenstein when I recall this event. I am sure he has not forgotten my words...
This is how stupid I was: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nalaY6pczpc