“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I
do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity,
covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
So a lot of our life change that day, that cold
Saturday morning in service, the day at the cemetery my character played out
the final act of this drama and as I was to later discover a new production was
unfolding one of peeling back facades of truth, uncovering buried truth that
weren’t too deep but was denied freedom to dig. In this performance I would be
my real self, the old me the one I denied
access too the one I silenced turn out to be very inquisitive and a honest guy,
like someone with multiple personality the other me who I hated for being
fleshly who I shunned for being real, the inclination of the heart is evil, so
says who? I felt empowered, a lifelong process of reinforcing walls stopped, now
I would tear them down.
So let me go back a bit in time to explain who
I was and then the where I’m at. Besty
is right when he said “treat it like a game and you will win”. That’s how I’m
coping with this all I treat it like a game.
Perhaps that’s my problem I over think things
to much. I wish I was more like my worldly friends who live careless and worry
free, they live each day and savor it for what it is. I was determined to be
more like them. I would educate myself since the end being so close and
education being frowned upon I finished high school and got a job. I worked hard
and achieved some success in construction my lower back is a testament to that
endeavor.
I tried pioneering but just wasn’t for me I
don’t know if it was for lack of faith or maybe trying to convince someone of
something I’m not so convince of myself. Doubt I guess was my sinister
companion but I pressed on, forcing myself to believe the improbable, squashing
my doubts when they arose, quieting my mind when it objected it was a subtle
process of group conformity. Who was I to question these facts when the
majority have accepted them and have based their lives around them, these older
men and women wiser than me, older than me they have proven the authenticity of
these teaching, Right?
I was
the one lacking in faith. So, I became determined to be a spiritual man, a man
of God. I studied more, read the daily text every morning and studied the
watchtower like it was dictated from God himself. Received some privileges (MS
for a short time), turned in field service hrs. Conducted bible studies, turn
into a judgmental tool, I mean fool.
Chose my friends by prescribed standards set by
an organization looked down on those who didn’t meet the mark, referred to the
weak as the Walking Dead (jokingly of course). Became oppressive with my family
and kids about meetings and service, convince myself to believe enormous facts
with insufficient proof. I surrounded
myself with like kind people, trotting
through this theatrical play we call life, my view on suffering, the
poor, the sick and dying had its compartments everything had answers and god
was the key. Life was more of a rehearsal for the “real life” a audition played
out for the angels to behold, earth is the stage and heaven held the celestial spectators.
Writing this now and looking back at who I was,
has been really painful to relive and embarrassing to share here with everyone
but I believe all is for naught if I’m not honest about myself. But in a way it
has been cathartic to my soul and mind to understand how this crazy man made religion
impelled me to believe and live in a delusional way the value of life its
pleasure and trifle moments meaningless unless it conformed with Mother.
“There is something in every one of you that
waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only true
guide you will ever have. And if you cannot hear it, you will all of your life
spend your days on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls.” - Howard
Thurman
And then the question came back to me. The
question that would answer it all, the question the DO asked back in the
Circuit assembly. “Who truly is the Faithful and discreet slave”. I will
earnestly ask God to make it abundantly clear, all is not lost. Perhaps all
this happen for a reason maybe Jehovah/ God wanted me to take this journey so
that I could understand my purpose in life, He would lead me to the truth
weather it was with the JW or somewhere else. I would be honest and follow the
road God and truth laid out for me. Where ever it lead me.
So I began to peel back layers of teaching and
logical fallacies, layers of bible fable and myth. Examined everything on the
flood, about pharaoh and the ten plagues, Moses and the red sea. (I did this
with the intention of proving it true but failed miserably). How old is mankind,
who authored the bible and who and why where the 66 books selected out of
hundreds. I read and verified history about the Society, Russell and
Rutherford, Beth Sarim, the UN and (ARC) Royal Commission on child abuse (Angus
Stewart my new Hero) failed prophesy’s of 1975 and 1914, then there’s that mess
about overlapping generations and flickering light. It really does became quite clear when
you see the organization with no filters it actually somewhat painful to sit through a full
meeting and not have facial freak out, my wife has turn to me and said “Stop it”,
I guess I might be mumbling something or I’m making a “WTF Face”. I’ve caught myself standing up and screaming “stop
it!”, “stop!” at the top of my lunges “you are lying to these people ” to
finally realize I was day dreaming in a fog of thoughts, I guess that’s how I
cope.
What I’ve learned in all of my research is that
the truth cannot be so delicate of a
concept that it can be destroyed by facts the truth stands up to any evidence
presented. I remember reading here; someone posted an old Watchtower magazine
where I believe Russell said “The truth is the truth even if spoken by Satan
himself”
Yes the truth about the truth is verifiable! JWfacts.com is a good site and I’ve learned a lot here
thanks to all of you. I’ve also read CoC that pretty much answer the CO
question if you were wondering where I stood on that. The Royal commission
testimony of Governing Body member put the last nail in the coffin. Theocratic
warfare is what they call it, so... Ok let’s play. I want to thank the DO, Charles
Wallard who asked to verify and make for sure, he was right it was the most important
question I would ever ask!
I can’t go into too many
details due to the fact that my entire family and wife’s family are JW’s, all
of our friends our entire life to this point revolves around JW life. We are in
the process of a slow fade and trying not to bring unwanted attention to ourselves.
We have been talking to the kids about what they have learned and what they
should believe, than grandparents interrogates them and confuses them all over
again. A lot of the spiritual friends we had view us as questionable
association so we don’t get invited much to anything, but it plays well in our
fade.
So
now it’s been about 3 years since I learned TTATT, my wife know how I feel and
has some reservation about the organization, the pedophile issue killed her. She
won’t read apostate stuff and still goes to the meeting about 40% of the time I
go maybe once every couple of month just to keep peace and elders at bay,
haven’t gone D2D in about 2 yrs. My wife said I‘m like the "yeti", because when I
show up at the meetings people can’t stop staring at me. The elders have spoken
to me and my wife we just avoid the loaded questions and act dumb. I’m glazing
over the process our marriage went through to get to this point; there were
strong word and tears, sleepless night and long conversations, Silence and
threats ultimately we came out the other side now just doing damage control. I
will leave the details for a later time to much to tell.
Ironically my friends now are the ones I viewed as not spiritual enough back when; I get
it now, we don’t bring up the religion stuff they just pretend witch I’m ok
with for now. Most don’t do service and like to have a few drinks. So we
pretend for sakes of having friends and gradually looking for friends outside
the bOrg.( I guess now were referred as walkers to ,lol) It’s really hard when all you know is this life, rules and standards
set out for you and prodding back when you stray. I know there are good people
outside of the organization it just all feels so surreal. I’ve caught myself in
my old ways looking at certain gestures or phrases as wrong, looking at
people’s choice of attire with that critical eye. I force myself to stop!
recognize we are all just human we are particles of dust formed into this
vessel and gone tomorrow. That’s it nothing else, I live in the now because
it’s real.
Our
JW family knows something is not right but they are afraid to probe too deeply,
I think they are afraid of what they will find. So we dance around “the”
subject with skill. I know we can’t continue like this for a long time it’s my
transition phase out of a long sleep, it will take time and patience. Like I
said earlier a new play has unfolded, a new chapter in this drama called life;
there’s happiness and tragedy there love and hate there will be children raised
into adults and new lives created I
don’t know what’s in store for the final act but we are eager to play it out.
Mark of Cane
