Overcoming servile mind and a slave mentality
"Care about what other
people think and you will always be their prisoner." —Lao Tzu
NOTE: Although I'm writing this to get something off my chest and hoping some of you may get something from it, I'm also writing this for active JWs who may be lurking on here too. Us ex-members (or apostates or whatever you want to call us) do actually care for those being treated unkindly. And I think the Watchtower society does treat it's members unkindly.
I don’t know if this is true or relevant for many of you,
but for me personally I really have trouble breaking free from this servile
mindset where I like to please others, sometimes to my own detriment. It’s not
something I was aware of until recently, I always regarded myself as a good
and kind person but a few weeks ago someone close to me pointed out to me that
I allow others to walk all over me. At the time I flatly denied this and
replied that “I don’t like to rock the boat” or “there’s no need to cause
confrontation” – looking back, I can see that this person was right and I have
indeed been spending my life pleasing other people. Not wanting to upset people
or be responsible for them getting angry or sad.
I’ve been analyzing this since the discussion came up with
my friend, and came upon this interesting article in Physiology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201710/overcoming-the-need-please
Have a read if you wish, but the salient points I got out of
it are these:
“The need to feel
‘okay,’ liked, or approved-of is rooted in the messages a person received
about their inherent worthiness and belonging while growing up,” says clinical
psychologist Erika Martinez. “Somewhere along the way, people with contingent
self-worth learned that their worth came from others' approval, not from within
themselves.”
Rachel S. Heslin,
author of Navigating Life: 8 Different Strategies to
Guide Your Way, traces
this need to be liked back to when we were children and were completely
dependent on others to take care of us: “Small children are not just
learning how to walk and communicate, they are also trying to learn how the
world works ... we learn about who we are and what is expected of us based on
interactions with others.” Heslin goes on to say, “To a four-year-old, if Mommy
or Daddy doesn't like you, there is the danger that they will abandon you, and
you will die. We need to understand that when we desperately want someone to
approve of us, it's being driven by that little kid part of us that is still
terrified of abandonment and death.”
“The need to feel
‘okay,’ liked, or approved-of is rooted in the messages a person received
about their inherent worthiness and belonging while growing up,” says clinical
psychologist Erika Martinez. “Somewhere along the way, people with contingent
self-worth learned that their worth came from others' approval, not from within
themselves.”
I can totally relate to this. Since birth I was constantly
bombarded with Watchtower indoctrination. Told that god only loves Jehovah’s
Witnesses and if we’re not good Jehovah’s Witnesses we’ll be destroyed in
Armageddon. Note that just being a JW
is not enough, you have to be a good JW. Since childhood I’ve been
seeking the approval of god via the Watchtower society. Obeying it’s rules,
trying to show that im a good JW worthy of not being destroyed. This mentality
is unhealthy in an adult, let alone in the mind of a child.
The answer?
“As you become more
capable of providing yourself with the approval you seek,” says Heslin, “your
need for external validation will start to dissipate, leaving you stronger,
more confident, and yes, happier in your life.” Though far
easier said than done, there are steps that can be taken to build self-worth
from within and reduce the need to please.
I never saw myself as someone lacking confidence. I’m the
type of person that revels in a room full of people I don’t know, I’m a social butterfly
and have no fear approaching people and getting a conversation out of them and
I did public talks without a hint of fear (in fact, I never understood why
people got nervous giving talks or sitting job interviews). Yet, I recognize
now that I do have confidence issues when it comes to relying on myself to take
ownership of important situations like managing a team in an office or standing
up to authority figures.
The article goes on to provide a remedy to overcome this
compulsion to please others which, if you’re one of the people im describing,
might want to have a read of.
So am I passing the blame? Is the cult really the reason im
like this? I think it’s a major contributor. My parents didn’t help the
situation because they themselves were slaves of the Watchtower society and
obeyed elders as if they were messengers of god or something.
The Huffington Post has this to say about recognizing cults
and the mentality they produce: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jayanti-tamm/the-c-word_2_b_848340.html
Again, the salient points I got from it are:
Through the need to
please the leader, to ascend the ranks, to work to fulfill the leader’s vision,
cults dictate followers’ actions and thoughts. Obedient members receive exalted
status and conformity is enforced through notions of guilt, shame, and failure
by both the leader and other members. A system of reporting on members for
transgressions creates both an internal police force and opportunities for
promotion and rewards for turning in brother and sister members. Those who
violate the rules are punished and eventually, to maintain the coherent group
unity, expelled. After time, the group assumes all roles — family, friends,
church, home, work, community, and departing, whether voluntarily or
involuntarily, after years or even decades, without having a concrete safety
net is challenging, and sometimes utterly impossible. The world on the other
side appears frightening and overwhelming.
Sound familiar? So there I was, at age 31 thrust into a
world that my upbringing didn’t prepare me for. While no longer believing a
word that the Watchtower society spouts, the damage is already done. They got
into my head. My thinking, my way of treating others was nursed since birth to
have a servile slave mentality, wanting to please, seeking approval.
Cults are fueled by
and thrive on control. The willingness to surrender control comes from excessive devotion to the leader and the leader’s vision. The leader’s personal
agenda is presented as a universal elixir, one that will eradicate both personal and
global moral, ethical, and spiritual maladies. The follower’s faith becomes
both the provider and the enabler.
Most people strive for
acceptance within social groups and long for affirmation from others. Be it in
an office or country club, adjustments are made to conform, to gain approval
and to advance.
It reminds me of something Malcolm X said about the “slave
mentality”. I think we can all relate to how the slave (JWs) that Malcolm X
talks about and his master (Watchtower). http://ccnmtl.columbia.edu/projects/mmt/mxp/speeches/mxt29.html
“To understand this, you have to
go back to what the young brother here referred to as the house Negro and the
field Negro back during slavery. There were two kinds of slaves, the house
Negro and the field Negro. The house Negroes--they lived in the house with
master, they dressed pretty good, they ate good because they ate his food--what
he left. They lived in the attic or the basement, but still they lived near
their master; and they loved their master more than their master loved himself.
They would give their life to save their master's house--quicker than the
master would. If the master said, "We got a good house here," the
house Negro would say, "Yeah, we got a good house here." Whenever the
master said "we," he said "we." That's how you can tell a
house Negro.
If the master's house caught on
fire, the house Negro would fight harder to put the blaze out than the master
would. If the master go sick, the house Negro would say, "What's the
matter, boss, we sick?" We sick! He identified himself with his master,
more than his master identified with himself. And if you came to the house
Negro and said, "Let's run away, let's escape, let's separate." The
house Negro would look at you and say, "Man, you crazy. What you mean,
separate? Where is there a better house than this? Where can I wear better
clothes than this? Where can I eat better food than this?" That was that
house Negro. In those days he was called a "house nigger." And that's
what we call them today, because we've still got some house niggers running
around here.
This modern house Negro loves his
master. He wants to live near him. He'll pay three times as much as the house
is worth just to live near his master, and then brag about "I'm the only
Negro out here." "I'm the only one on my job." "I'm the
only one in this school." You're nothing but a house Negro. And if someone
comes to you right now and says, "Let's separate," you say the same
thing that the house Negro said on the plantation. "What you mean,
separate? From America, this good white man? Where you going to get a better
job than you get here?" I mean, this is what you say. "I ain't left
nothing in Africa," that's what you say. Why, you left your mind in
Africa.”
Looking
back, I saw this “we” throughout all their literature. “We have nothing to do with apostates”, “shouldn’t we trust the governing body?” or “we are thoroughly convinced we are
living in the time of the end”.
The
Watchtower bred into me a slave mentality. I’m not saying they’re 100% to
blame, other factors surely come into play here. But combining the upbringing
I’ve had as a born-in of hardcore believing parents and the reading of Watchtower
propaganda since childhood is, in my opinion, a major contributor. Notice how
over the past 10 years, Watchtower have been banging on about loyalty. Stressing loyalty to them
above loyalty to family, friends and even ourselves.
Watchtower 1 Oct 2001, pages
20-23.
Loyalty to God also includes
loyalty to his organization. Necessarily, over the years there have been
corrections and adjustments to our understanding of certain scriptures. The
fact is that no one is as spiritually well fed as we are. (Matthew 24:45-47) Unquestionably, Jehovah
has stuck with his modern-day organization. Can we not do likewise?
When
it touches upon family the article admonishes us to:
Remain loyal to believing friends and family.
I'm actually glad my friend brought this trait of mine to my attention. It was done
in a jovial fashion but also serious in it’s intention. That is a true friend
as far as im concerned. Bringing to my attention something I didn’t want to
acknowledge that is holding me back.
