I hope you seek out professional counselling. Do you feel like your in a war zone because for some exJW that is how it feels like. Anger,confusion, and
unnecessary stress due to elders lies and bull crap.
Post Trumatic Stress.
Also
cognitive dissonance is the excessive mental stress and discomfort [ 1 ] experienced by an individual who (1) holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time or (2) is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. This stress and discomfort may also arise within an individual who holds a belief and performs a contradictory action or reaction. [ 2 ]
Trying to be a Jw elder after realizing they are bull shit and causing harm to you and your family members is just asking for more anxieties and harm.Your red flags are working.
Being around a group of mentally ill elders who lacks power in the real world will mess your head up!
For years!
If your sufferring from a little anxiety just keep attending and you could end up worse.
Do you have a hobbie you could do instead of meetings? Or maybe sports.