Mis Worldly, it is hard fighting for someone like this. What i dont understand is why and who would tell her no to associate with me. The people in that JW hall seem happy to see me there in the meeting and sunday mass. I under stand looks can be deceiving but im playing my part so far, using there own words when they ask me about my impression of the services and they come out happy. I dont get the logic in trying to alienate someone that is with them so far. The crazy part is i think its her own interpretation of what she is reading that is the conflict here about not associating with me but i could be so wrong, im only a very flawed human.
Its all a mess honestly and after trying to get some sleep on the issue i feel just as lost as before. I truly wonder if the rush to get married was sincere or in a way her version of fighting to keep us as a couple. I dont understand why the more direct blunt approach was not taken by her here instead of vague semi threats of changes. The simple if you love me we need to get married now because the faith i am going back to wont allow us to be together if we dont get married. Simple black and white answer not a vague threat of change.
Its like a constant battle with her, some days are great others are bad. I do feel she loves me but i do wonder what love means to her. Something as simple as last night i make the effort to see her because i had to run errands in that area and she rejects that ( i head the tear of her crying) but then agrees for the weekend and stresses she wanted to know when i got home because it was raining. A sign of concern? a sign of being worried i will replace her? At the same time im getting hit complemented on by other people who havent seen me in a while ( im just a normal guy) , i go to the mall to walk inside and wait out the rain and i feel sadness when i see couples in the mall walking together holding hands and here im making the effort to see her. If you love someone you want to spend time with them right?
This morning she texted me first and even went out of her way to call me which is her version of reaching out and she sound happy on the phone etc but then gets mad when i offer to help her look for a new place to rent since she is unhappy in her current location. i quote " why do you try to get into everything in my life" mind you two mins ago she is all happy. Mind you this is someone who says they love me to the point of tears yesterday then another two mins later is asking me to help her with her cell phone issue. Its like waves or a roller coaster with this person at times. Its like don't get involved then later get involved then later why didnt you get involved. Honestly i feel like this is Karma for all the things i have done before. The interesting thing i found out is she want to find a place very far away from the JW center ( rent prices is cheaper in another part of the city). Maybe this is a little break in her, i doubt she will drive down this far since she hates driving to begin with so maybe its a sub conscious way of her to slowly walk away from this? Then again it could be her trying to get away from me. I feel like a tormented soul at times. One day its like lets go to Disney, then well we can only go on a group, then well we can only go on our honeymoon. This year started with lets travel, lets go to NY, to Chicago, now its like we cant travel together until we are married. Just so many contradictions. I can tell she is conflicted because i think she loves me but man what a mess.
