Posts by wayoutthere

19

Chronic relapse - what do I do?

by wayoutthere in

jw
friends

my first post here and unfortunately it is asking for help.. i was a born in jehovah's witness and from my earliest memories, i know i hated being one.

i hated the embarrassment of being the "outsider" at school and i hated not being allowed to have any friends.

of course i had the obligatory friends in the kingdom hall - none of whom were my age exactly and none of whom i would have personally chosen to be friends with if i had been left to pick them myself in a natural setting.

wayoutthere

You sound like a fugitive that just saw their photo on a wanted poster.

Yes that is partly how I feel. I feel like I've been found out, and the thing I've been hiding has been revealed to one and all. I feel like I'm stood in the middle of a large crowded room and everyone is now pointing and laughing, and I want to run and hide.

Thank you so much for all the comments and suggestions so far. Many have given me pause for thought and reflection. Many have made me consider things I had not previously considered.

For some clarification:

No, I was not abused as a child. My trauma is nothing to do with that.

Yes I know the truth about the truth. I have no lingering feeling that I am doomed or have turned my back on the true religion. I do not feel guilty.

I think the core of my problem is embarrassment. I am embarrassed that people now know about my past - or I think they know about my past... as I said, only one person was told by my partner and they likely haven't given it a second thought and therefore none of our other friends know. Certainly no one has mentioned it. So yes my reaction is entirely internal and grounded not in reality but in my own fears in my head. It is irrational, and I know this which is why I am so surprised and scared of my reaction. This is not like me. I am a very confident and outgoing person until this happened.

The embarrassment stems from how I felt as a child. Not only did I feel different and the odd one out, but I was always overwhelmingly embarrassed.

Even as a child I could see the religion was nonsense and I struggled to understand why anyone would believe it. I would be sat there in the hall when they talked about creation and I would immediately think about dinosaurs. The flood... how did the animals get from and back to Australia? No beards allowed.... seriously? God is bothered about this but not about the massive famine in Ethiopia that was happening at the time? No birthdays... the bible doesn't mention it but a bad thing happened on someones birthday therefore they must all be bad!!!

I would sit there looking around wondering why my parents and everyone else were nodding along in agreement. Why is no one questioning this stuff? I felt like I was in a room of adult imbeciles. I knew I was a child and had a lot to learn, but some things are just so ridiculous you have to be stupid to believe it. And it was that stupidity I was so embarrassed and ashamed of. The shame of admitting to the other children at school that my parents believed something that not even children will believe.

And then knocking on doors. Oh how embarrassing was that. To knock on a class mates door or even see them in the street while we were preaching this nonsense was the ultimate humiliation.

And so that is also part of what I am hiding from. I am experiencing that embarrassment all over again.

Like I said, deep down I know no one is judging me. I know this is my own internal voice and anxiety. I also typically don't give a stuff what other people think of me. I'm certainly not a conformist or someone seeking approval. My friends are my friends because we all accept our differences. I know all this....

And yet I am having a completely out of character involuntary and utterly irrational response to this, and that is what terrifies me. This is not like me. I am always in control and suddenly I've lost it. I lost control of who knows about my past (I don't blame my partner at all by the way - it was an innocent mistake) and I have lost control over how I think and handle this.

19

Chronic relapse - what do I do?

by wayoutthere in

jw
friends

my first post here and unfortunately it is asking for help.. i was a born in jehovah's witness and from my earliest memories, i know i hated being one.

i hated the embarrassment of being the "outsider" at school and i hated not being allowed to have any friends.

of course i had the obligatory friends in the kingdom hall - none of whom were my age exactly and none of whom i would have personally chosen to be friends with if i had been left to pick them myself in a natural setting.

wayoutthere

the WTS robbed you of your childhood. Don't let "it" rob you of your adult life.

Perhaps a little unusual for this forum, but I don't blame the WTS for anything at all. They are just an organisation presenting an obscene pile of nonsense. I believe the individuals who willingly choose to go along with it are utterly responsible for their own choices and actions. And to that end, I blame my parents entirely. It is they who robbed me of my childhood. It is they who chose to put the grotesque demands of a few old men in Brooklyn over the needs and happiness of their children.

However, your comment has made me think it could be a possible coping mechanism for this. My parents did ruin my life as a child and I won't let them ruin what I now have as an adult as well. That may be easier said than done, but it could be a starting point to work on; I appreciate the advice. Thank you.

19

Chronic relapse - what do I do?

by wayoutthere in

jw
friends

my first post here and unfortunately it is asking for help.. i was a born in jehovah's witness and from my earliest memories, i know i hated being one.

i hated the embarrassment of being the "outsider" at school and i hated not being allowed to have any friends.

of course i had the obligatory friends in the kingdom hall - none of whom were my age exactly and none of whom i would have personally chosen to be friends with if i had been left to pick them myself in a natural setting.

wayoutthere

My first post here and unfortunately it is asking for help.

I was a born in Jehovah's Witness and from my earliest memories, I know I hated being one. I hated the embarrassment of being the "outsider" at school and I hated not being allowed to have any friends. Of course I had the obligatory friends in the kingdom hall - none of whom were my age exactly and none of whom I would have personally chosen to be friends with if I had been left to pick them myself in a natural setting. At school I had great friends who I had a natural affinity with but obviously my relationship with them was extremely limited with absolutely zero social interaction allowed outside the class room.

Growing up as a witness was a horrible ordeal and a very lonely one. The overriding feeling for me was one of being "different" to everyone else. I never fitted in in the hall because I never took to any of the teachings so I was the least zealous of the young ones; you know the type... potentially a bad influence. And I never fitted in in school because I was the one who belonged to a bat shit crazy religious freakdom. So I was an outsider in every group.

At 16 I left home and the religion and never looked back. No one in my life from that day on ever knew I had been a JW. That was my past and I never wanted it to be part of my new life.

I never cut ties with my family though. Looking back I don't know if that was a good thing or bad. My parents never shunned me and in fact I have shunned them more than anything because I resent them so much for giving me such an awful childhood. I light of what I am about to say, I do wish I had walked away and disowned my family that day I left home. But I didn't, and because I didn't, I did have to confide in my fiance about my upbringing, simply because my parents would be coming to the wedding and I needed to warn about their crazy beliefs. So my fiance (now partner) was the only person I have ever told about my JW origins since I left the cult at 16.

Since then I've had a wonderful 30 years of life. A happy marriage, wonderful children, great friends, good health, financially secure. Deep down there has always been the nagging pain that I am different to everyone else, but it was my secret and never affected me. I felt secure and confident because I was no longer different. People looked at me and saw me; not the weirdo religious nut.

Then Christmas just past, my partner innocently revealed to a close friend during the normal conversations about seeing family over the holiday, that we don't see my family because they are Jehovah's Witnesses.

My world fell apart when I found out.

My self confidence has crashed. I literally have not been able to leave the house in over 2 months. All of a sudden, I am the odd one out again. I'm different and people know it. A friend came around this weekend just to drop off a present for my child and I had what felt like a mild panic attack. My heart was pounding, my breathing became shallow and fast and I was physically shaking.

Now here's the thing. I know this is totally irrational. My partner told one person who almost certainly couldn't care less and has never given it a second thought. There is more chance of me being struck by lightening than them passing that information on to any of our other friends. And even if every single one of our friends knew, they wouldn't care and would not look at me differently. I know all this from a logical rational perspective.

And yet I am having deep involuntary reactions. I "think" everyone is know looking at me differently, thinking of me in a worse light. Basically I feel like a child again - the odd one out, the different one.

I know this is all in my head and I know it is totally irrational, but I now want to make another clean break like I did when I was 16. I want to move to a different country and start again where no one knows me and I never want any contact with anyone from this life ever again. But of course I don't want to do that to my family. I don't want them to have to start again. So my other choice is I become a recluse and never leave my house or see anyone. But again, that is no way for my family to live.

So choice 3 is I learn to get over this and deal with it. But how? I can force myself to see people and socialize, and I can put on a front that no one will ever know there is a problem. But inside I will be dying, and I don't want that.

I never thought I would contemplate speaking with a counselor or seek help for my mental health. That is not me. But I now feel desperate. I left this cult successfully and pain free 30 years ago and suddenly I am finding myself having to deal with an emotional turmoil I never even realized I had.

Does anyone have any advice? Specifically what sort of therapy or treatment should I or could I look for that will help put my mind right?