Posts by Scorpion

9

Case Dismissed!

by Scorpion in

a lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

she noticed the.

man opposite her was smiling at her.

Scorpion

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the

man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another

seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man

seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up

in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say

for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the

lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat

under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will

reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a

sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly

contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat

under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this

Accident"...I just lost it.

> >>"CASE DISMISSED!!"

1

For the Lexophiles

by Scorpion in

for all you lexophiles ( lovers of words ) .

a bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.. >.

what's the definition of a will?

FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES ( LOVERS OF WORDS )

>1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
>
>2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
>
>3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
>
>4. A backward poet writes inverse.
>
>5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your
>count that votes.
>
>6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
>
>7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
>
>8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
>
>9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
>
>10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
>minor.
>
>11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
>
>12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
>
>13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
>Blownapart.
>
>14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
>
>15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
>
>16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
>
>17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
>
>18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
>
>19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
>
>20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
>
>21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
>
>22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium
>at large.
>
>23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
>
>24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
>
>25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
>
>26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd
>dye..
>
>27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
>
>28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
>
>29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
>
>30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

Saudi Bombings-Eyewitness account

by Scorpion in

thought you guys might find this interesting.

it's a report from an .

the vinnell-arabia compound in riyadh, saudi, arabia.

Scorpion

Thought you guys might find this interesting. It's a report from an
eyewitness
to the Riyadh bombings from a retired USMC Lt. Col. working for the
'shadowy' Vinnell Corp. that was targeted in the bombings.......
RICH @XXXX

----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, May 15, 2003 11:35 AM
Subject: SANDSCRIPT-Terror in Arabia

This is a summary of the past few days concerning the terrorist attack on
the Vinnell-Arabia Compound in Riyadh, Saudi, Arabia. In reading this, it
should be noted that I was conducting 24 hour operations for night fire
and
maneuver training in the desert 70 kilometers east of Riyadh when this
attack on my company compound occurred.

At approximately 2300,12 May I was preparing to give a warning order over
the Exercise Control Group (ECG) Control radio Net, when I heard a single
loud explosion. Remember, I am 70 Ks east of Riyadh at this time. This
explosion was then followed by several more over the next few minutes. We
in the ECG, tent noted the explosions and remarked that artillery training
was being conducted.
>
At exactly 2345, I monitored the senior U. S. Army Advisor make a radio
call
for accountability of his subordinate unit advisors. It was at that time
when we began to suspect trouble was in the wind. We continued to work the
deliberate night attack exercise through the night with an occasional
update
of the terrorist attack from the personnel who were connected to Vinnell
Camp by cell phones. As daylight came, we were then give the unvarnished
picture of the utter devastation we were to see when we returned to camp.
No building within our six square block compound escaped damage. The roof
to
my living quarters was completely collapsed, my windows were blown in and
my
front door was on top of my bed. Immediately after arriving, I was told
that
I would be part of the Emergency Operations Center (EOC) all other camp
personnel (approx. 300 +) were to be transported to a larger more secure
compound. As I walked down to "Ground Zero" to see for myself, the damage
only increased in magnitude. Most roofs in the six square block of the
compound were peeled back and most rooms looked like rubbish bins filled
with roofing tiles, insulation, overturned furniture, and structural
timbers. My office, which stood one block from the epicenter of the
explosion, was completely gutted and caved-in. Ground zero was directly
at
the front entrance to the major American billeting area, High Rise No. 1.
This obviously was the focus of main effort for the terrorists.

Debrief of the eyewitnesses, clearly shows how well trained and informed
the
terrorists were. A sedan (similar in color and make to one of our high
level
manager's) with five terrorist occupants inconspicuously negotiated the
cement turning obstacles, dismounted at the left gate and immediately
killed
the Saudi soldier manning the Cal. 50 machinegun and wounded two others.
The vehicle and windshield of that vehicle clearly took 50 or more AK47
rounds. Once the 50 Cal machinegun was neutralized, one terrorist entered
the gate control booth, turned the gate key to open the heavy roll-back
security gate and pushed the button to drop the retractable barrier. A
pickup truck loaded with the bomb soon arrived at the now opened right
gate.
Two of the initial five terrorists then mounted the truck which quickly
drove to High Rise No. 1 and immediately without hesitation detonated
themselves and the bomb. The remaining three terrorists then fired,
maneuvered and threw grenades through the camp to the opposite side of the
compound and escaped over the compound wall.

After the attack, the one terrorist vehicle left at the front gate was
examined and was found to contain many more grenades and many double
tapped
AK47 magazines. In my opinion, their intent was to kill as many personnel
as
possible in the streets after the explosion. That part of the plan
obviously
came apart when the sedan (support vehicle) couldn't get through the left
security gate.

There can be no doubt that this terrorist group was well trained, well
informed and had rehearsed their plan to near perfection. There is also
much
evidence to indicate that there was inside information and assistance. The
terrorists knew which key to turn and what button to push in order to open
the front right security gate and lower the barrier. They knew which
building to hit in order to inflict the maximum number of casualties on
Americans. Finally, the terrorist's exit point from the camp was
inconspicuously prepared with a 55-gallon drum and brick to facilitate
their
escape over the wall. The resulting casualties were 7 Americans killed,
two
Filipinos killed and 100 or more wounded, 11 of which remain in hospital.
As
if this horrific destruction wasn't enough, the shamal (wind and sand
storms) have been miserable. It was at its worst during SecState Colin
Powell's visit. Honestly, you could hardly see your hand in front of your
face while he was here.

Post script, Our Saudi counterparts are extremely embarrassed and ashamed
by
this attack. Many Islamic personnel are among the wounded. Many of which
are
my friends and close training associates. Two in particular are former
Egyptian Generals and are very professional trainers. It has been a tribal
belief that in the Islamic world, you are safe if you are under a Muslim's
tent, even if you are considered the enemy. This attack represents an
attack
on the Saudi Royal Family as well. Time will tell if they are willing to
get
serious about finding, fixing and destroying such terrorist groups.

Thomas "Tom" W. Williams
Lieutenant Colonel
United States Marine Corps (Ret)
Vinnell Corp
P.O. Box 53XX (Box 15XX)
Riyadh 114XX
Kingdom of Saudi Arabia
Phone: 966-1-246-XXXX
Quarters: ext 22XX
Office: 2398 or 2471

21

Ever wonder why elders read from a piece of paper when DF'ing someone?

by Jourles in

.

of course, the reason why they read from a slip of paper is to make sure they do not get caught in any legal difficulties..

Scorpion

GREAT SITE!

EXCELLENT JOB!

I will check in frequently to see what has been added.

3

Oil Change

by Scorpion in

<< oil changing instructions .

women: .

1. pull up to jiffy lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

Scorpion

<< Oil Changing Instructions

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent: $28.00 Oil Change $1.00 Coffee
----------------
Total: $29.00

Men:

1. Go to NAPA auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree. Instead of taking it back to NAPA to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on yourself in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have a beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day: Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. -- No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11, buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil on gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because you can't find the wrench.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over and arrested for driving while intoxicated.
42. Car gets impounded
43. Post bail; retrieve car from impound yard

Money Spent:
50 parts
12 beer
75 replacement set of jack stands (hey the colors have to match!)
1000 bail
200 impound and towing fee
---------------------------
Total: $1337 >>

1

FRENCH UNIFORMS

by Scorpion in

french uniforms .

a long time ago, britain and france were at war.

during one battle, the french captured an english major.

Scorpion

FRENCH UNIFORMS

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to their headquarters, the French General began to question him.

The French General asked, "Why do you English Officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the Major informed the general that the reason English Officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day until now all French Army Officers wear brown pants.

15

ANNE GRAHAM

by Scorpion in

in light of the many.

another for a laugh, this is a little.

different: this is not intended to be a. joke, it's not funny, it's intended to.

Scorpion

Thank you for the link and additional info Funkyderek.

Artful, I enjoyed your response.

Scorpion

9

Elizabeth Smart (and the Not-So-Smarts)

by Scorpion in

elizabeth smart.

false prophets like.

david mitchell or joseph smith!.

Scorpion

According to SL Tribune, March 18, 2003, Brian David Mitchell, or "Immanuel", was, until a few years ago, a high councilman in the Center SL Stake, he also was a former couselor in a bishopric, and both he and his wife, Wanda, were temple workers, and not only that, but an LDS Mission President, Dru White, had asked him to be one of his counselors in Mission presidency in 1995... Mitchell also was an employee of O.C. Tanner (an LDS member owned), a high-class jewelry store in SLC, just across the street from LDS church administration building. But then he started to get "revelations from God" - and he was told that he is now a new "restorer of truth"
(comp. Joseph Smith's similar claims).

With this "restoration", of course, came command (read D&C 132) to marry young girls, just like Joseph Smith, who also threatened young girls that something terrible was going to happen to them or their families if they did not "marry" him. The Mormon public in SLC, and media all over the world, say that Mitcehll is nuts. I agree. But, what puzzles me, is that they do not see that their "prophet" Joseph Smith had done and said exactly the same things, but he was not declared crazy, but "a true prophet of God"! Is this because of a sort memory - or is it because of a brain freeze - or something else?

Joseph Smith started his religion with God speaking to him about restoration and then giving him special commands to marry 14-year olds, etc. What is different in this picture? I cannot help but see the same delusional ideas coming from men lusting after young girls - and more and more... "seven virgins" seems to be the norm, a desire by Smith's true followers, and of course they also have to have "them keys" for authority...Mitchell talks about those "keys" too...

15

ANNE GRAHAM

by Scorpion in

in light of the many.

another for a laugh, this is a little.

different: this is not intended to be a. joke, it's not funny, it's intended to.

Scorpion

ChrisVance,

Take two Alka Seltzer and get some rest. Hope you feel better in the morning.

Razorblade,

I agree with you. God or no God, what is taught in the home usually molds a childs thinking. It is unfortunate that most parents don't have a clue about where or what their kids are doing today. Some parents do know and don't seem to care.

Scorpion

15

ANNE GRAHAM

by Scorpion in

in light of the many.

another for a laugh, this is a little.

different: this is not intended to be a. joke, it's not funny, it's intended to.

Scorpion

ANNE GRAHAM

In light of the many
perversions and jokes we send to one
another for a laugh, this is a little
different: This is not intended to be a
joke, it's not funny, it's intended to
get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed
on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked
her "How could God let something like
this happen?" (regarding the attacks on
Sept. 11).

Anne Graham gave an extremely profound
and insightful response. She said "I
believe God is deeply saddened by this,
just as we are, but for years we've been
telling God to get out of our schools, to
get out of our government and to get out
of our lives.

And being the gentleman He is, I believe
He has calmly backed out. How can we
expect God to give us His blessing and
His protection if we demand He leave us
alone?"

In light of recent events...terrorists
attack, school shootings, etc. I think it
started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she
was murdered, her body found recently)
complained she didn't want prayer in our
schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the
Bible in school ... the Bible says thou
shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and
love your neighbor as yourself. And we
said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't
spank our children when they misbehave
because their little personalities would
be warped and we might damage their
self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed
suicide). We said an expert should know
what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Then someone said teachers and principals
better not discipline our children when
they misbehave. The school administrators
said no faculty member in this school
better touch a student when they
misbehave because we don't want any bad
publicity, and we surely don't want to be
sued (there's a big difference between
disciplining, touching, beating,
smacking, humiliating, kicking, etc.).
And we said OK.

Then someone said, let's let our
daughters have abortions if they want,
and they won't even have to tell their
parents. And we said OK.

Then some wise school board member said,
since boys will be boys and they're going
to do it anyway, let's give our sons all
the condoms they want so they can have
all the fun they desire, and we won't
have to tell their parents they got them
at school. And we said OK.

Then some of our top elected officials
said it doesn't matter what we do in
private as long as we do our jobs.
Agreeing with them, we said it doesn't
matter to me what anyone, including the
President, does in private as long as I
have a job and the economy is good.

Then someone said let's print magazines
with pictures of nude women and call it
wholesome, down-to-earth appreciation for
the beauty of the female body. And we
said OK.

And then someone else took that
appreciation a step further and published
pictures of nude children and then
further again by making them available on
the Internet. And we said OK, they're
entitled to free speech.

Then the entertainment industry said,
let's make TV shows and movies that
promote profanity, violence, and illicit
sex. Let's record music that encourages
rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic
themes. And we said it's just
entertainment, it has no adverse effect,
nobody takes it seriously anyway, so go
right ahead.

Now we're asking ourselves why our
children have no conscience, why they
don't know right from wrong, and why it
doesn't bother them to kill strangers,
their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and
hard enough, we can figure it out. I
think it has a great deal to do with "WE
REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Funny how simple it is for people to
trash God and then wonder why the world's
going to hell. Funny how we believe what
the newspapers say, but question what the
Bible says.

Funny how you can send 'jokes' through
e-mail and they spread like wildfire but
when you start sending messages regarding
the Lord, people think twice about
sharing.

Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene
articles pass freely through cyberspace,
but public discussion of God is
suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you forward this message,
you will not send it to many on your
address list because you're not sure what
they believe, or what they WILL think of
you for sending it. Funny how we can be
more worried about what other people
think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If
not then just discard it... no one will
know you did. But, if you discard this
thought process, don't sit back and
complain about what bad shape the world
is in!