https://www.openmindsfoundation.org/15-years-later-undoing-undue-influence/?fbclid=IwAR3jbd3Eddr06j6MfA0KSNSXhDeXUyYQiS24CAI6ypqQ1p0etwDJ3jz565c
By
Ruben Ortizon August 24th, 2019
I was a Jehovah’s Witness from childhood to my late twenties. I
officially disassociated myself from that organization in the year 2004
and here I am 15 years later writing about it. But here’s what is going
to blow your minds: I’m here 15 years later writing about this
high-control group and the damage done to me was minimal compared to the
many Ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses I have met since I’ve left, minimal
compared to the countless stories you will find online.
I created a forum for Ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses that started in MySpace
in 2006 and ran until 2018 on Facebook. I’ve attended and even organized
many meet-ups with former members. Through these mediums I learned a
lot about brave warriors. Some are acquaintances. Some have become the
best friends I could have ever asked for. Others I’ve collaborated with,
like the time I helped promote a documentary that a former Jehovah’s
Witness friend made. And I’ve had romantic relationships with former
members as well. I’ve seen this community go from the few voices to the
voice of many.
What I am saying here is that there is this thing called the
Ex-Jehovah’s Witness Community. There may not be some official badge,
but I’ve been “in it” for many years and a very vocal component at
times.
If you are leaving a High Control group, I’ve seen it, I’ve felt it,
and it’s not easy. Our experiences may vary, but we all left a whole
world behind. Whether it was family members, ideology, or friends, we
all lost something. To move forward from there takes a tremendous amount
of courage.
15 years later…I’ve picked up on a few things about life after
leaving a high-control group from personal experience, from listening to
the experiences of others, and from the few nuggets of wisdom you’re
gifted for putting a little energy into growing as a person. And now I’d
like to share what I’ve learned. They are:
You are not alone: Quite literally there
are many thousands of people who have been in your position of leaving,
and there are people that can empathize with your story. You are not the
only one. There is nothing like the comradery of someone else saying,
“Yes, I know exactly the way you feel.” Whether ousted or leaving by
choice, you are thrown into a “world” you don’t’ know. It’s helpful to
find others in that world outside of your experience, who get you, who
understand your specific struggles. It is incredibly validating and
helps you heal.
You will not be the last: You may have lost
friends and family when leaving, but as time passes, more than likely,
you will be reunited with others you knew. This is true when it comes to
cults like Jehovah’s Witnesses. Their retention rate is extremely low. I
mean bad. Wait, squash that, it’s the worst. According to
pewresearch.org among all U.S. adults who were raised as Jehovah’s
Witnesses, two-thirds (66%) no longer identify with the group. It’s a
matter of numbers. Expect to see some of your former tribe to join you
in this marvelous world and don’t forget to be there for them and to
tell them they are not alone.
You can leave a cult but the cult has to leave you: Leaving
a group or being ousted by a group doesn’t mean the group mind-set has
left you. I am not talking doctrinal beliefs. I’m talking about how
you’re wired. It takes a lot of work to undo the undue influence. Don’t
you dare think for a moment that this is something that happens
automatically. Little by little, you will start noticing that some of
your stances, some of your behaviors all stem from your experience with a
coercive group. How could it not? Be willing to unlearn, be willing to
grow.
Don’t be too hard on yourself: Be kind to
yourself. Be patient with yourself. It’s not easy trying to find
autonomy. The last person who should be hard on you is yourself.
Recognize the courage it took to get to the point you’re at now. You’re a
rock star for that alone. You chose to be the authentic you and not
part of some unduly influenced herd.
Where there is loss, there is grief: Former
members of cults will experience grief when they’ve lost loved ones.
The worst part is that one has to grieve over someone who is alive.
Grief doesn’t have a time limit. You can’t rush yourself, and you can’t
rush others. Don’t expect the loss to never hurt again, but it can and
will get better over time.
If you’re still cooking, hold off on the love thing: What
do I mean by cooking? I mean growing. I mean the changing that happens
in the time after your exit. You left a cult, but as I pointed out
before, maybe the cult hasn’t fully left you. Maybe your views on love,
on sex, on relationships aren’t necessarily ones you have had the time
to mull over wisely. Maybe it would be a good idea to hold off on the
whole relationship thing if you’re still working out who you are.
Not everything is the cult’s fault: Sometimes
it’s hard to decipher how much blame the cult has in someone’s
behavior. You may have had a father that would beat you and use what the
cult taught him to justify what he did. But another person in the cult
may have had a totally different kind of upbringing in his or her
family. Maybe it’s not just the cult. Maybe there are very dysfunctional
people in these cults that use the cult as a tool to do very harmful
things.
Stop blaming others and own it: Growing up
in a cult, there is always a bad guy you can blame. Maybe it’s Satan.
Maybe it’s the bad-association neighbor of yours. Maybe it’s the music.
In a culture where you can freely point a finger elsewhere, it leaves
you with the responsibility to develop the ability to hold yourself
accountable for your own mistakes. Mistakes can be an opportunity for
growth. But if you’re pointing the finger elsewhere, you’re not owning
it. There will be no learning or growth if that’s what you’re doing.
Learn to disagree: When you come from a
group that has the “truth,” and has answers for everything and these
questions all have the “right” answers to, there really is no room for
debate. But now that you’re out there in this very diverse world, people
are going to disagree with you. This could be very uncomfortable at
first, and in some cases those feeling will persist. We may be out of
the cult, but is that wiring still there? How do we react when someone
disagrees with us? Do we lose it? Do we make rash assumptions? Do we run
around and smear this person? Do we make it personal, or do we disagree
and move forward in a way that’s healthy? One thing helps for sure;
accepting that we no longer require that everyone has to agree with us.
Question Everything: Yes, even all of the
above. Who am I to be saying all this, right? Challenge me! But whatever
you do, do it under the lens of critical thinking. Learning critical
thinking skills is huge. Learning about logical fallacies will keep you
from being duped again. Learning about undue influence and how it’s not
just the cult you came from. Undue influence permeates society at so
many levels.
People are constantly being influenced. Sometimes it’s good—due
influence—and sometimes it’s bad—undue influence. Your learning
experience with groups like Open Minds is not the end all. There’s more
to come. You have more waking up to do.
I hope you enjoyed reading some to the things I’ve learned over the
last 15 years. And please share it with others if you find it helpful.
You are not alone, you are brave, and I wish you all the very best.
FacebookTwitter
4 Comments
-
Doda Guyer
August 24, 2019 at 6:53 pm - Reply
Awesome job, Ruben! Great to see you out there and doing well. Looking forward to reading more from you!
-
Heidi
August 24, 2019 at 7:25 pm - Reply
All this, thank you. I’m out twelve years and still cooking.
-
Gina
August 24, 2019 at 9:02 pm - Reply
Thanks Ruben! Keep being curious. Keep cooking and growing too!
-
Christopher
August 24, 2019 at 9:26 pm - Reply
Well written, Ruben. I’ve been out for 9 years and have
been shunned by my jw parents the whole time. I have managed to move on
with my life and almost put the cult completely behind me, but I still
miss my parents and that keeps me from completely letting go of the
past.
Leave A Comment
Comment
Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.
Notify me of follow-up comments by email.
Notify me of new posts by email.
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Related Posts
July 28th, 2019
|
2 Comments
July 19th, 2019
|
0 Comments
July 5th, 2019
|
1 Comment
NEWSLETTER SIGN UP
Get our weekly newsletter!
Get Updates
Search
Categories
Categories