Hi. I kind of know how you feel. Even though the path I've taken is about as far from Christianity as you can get (I practice Wicca), there HAVE been times when I almost wished I could believe in the Bible again. Why? Well, because it's easy. You don't have to think too hard, and Americans tend to give a person the benefit of the doubt if they call themselves Christian. They tend to assume that if you're a Christian, that in itself is proof that you're a good, virtuous, honorable person. Who doesn't want to be seen that way? Also, if you're a Christian, it's easy to find people in the "real" world who you have something important in common with. The thought of being different (or mistaken) can be scary.
The reason why I *stopped* believing in the Bible is simple: I read it without the blinders on. If you read the Bible that way, you may well notice certain problems with it that you didn't allow yourself to see before. After that, unless you're BOUND AND DETERMINED to keep on believing in the Bible as the only true spiritual source, it's very difficult if not impossible to go back. Or at least that was the case for me.
But how did I end up where I am now? Well, I just did what made sense to me. I found a system of belief that happens to coincide with my own. Thw Wiccan concept of deity is a panentheistic one: "God" is in everything. Also, in Wiccan thought, there IS an ultimate power source somewhere (or some time) that started it all, but it's unknowable in human terms. So, we created deities in an attempt to better relate to that power. This, to me, is what feels right, along with the other principles that Wicca and many other neopagan belief systems entail. I also find a good deal of comfort in praying to the Goddess instead an exclusively male deity.
Christians try to preach to me. Atheists try to "reason" with me. I've become indifferent to both of them since neither side can change my mind. The reason *why* they can't change my mind is because my beliefs are a part of me, like the color of my eyes or my artistic bent. I could change the look of my eyes with green contacts, but underneath, they'd still be brown; I could stop writing indefinitely, but I'd always feel the longing. And even if I made an outward conversion to some other religion or philosophy, in my heart, I'd still be Wiccan. It's just who I am.
The point of all this is that if your beliefs are really yours and not just imposed by circumstance, no one can take them away from you. They'll always simply be. You'll have nothing to prove to other people or to even yourself. If you have doubts, by all means, examine them. Question them. Figure out what, deep down, YOU know is right. You might end up firmer in your previous convictions than ever... or you might end up on a different path entirely. But whatever the ultimate outcome is, you WILL be better off for making peace with yourself, and you'll probably end up happier than you ever thought you'd be.
Good luck,
*Rochelle.
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"I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death -- if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."
-- Professor Severus Snape, Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone.
