Welcome AC
It seems to me you have been living by the rules to create yourself a lifestyle, and you have become dissillusioned by it. That is understandable, in the cult you are into, you will only find dissappointment.
I am concerned that you are heading for a breakdown, can i suggest you take a vacation from your JW activities for a couple of weeks and try to see life from a different perspective. I'd also recommend seeing your mum, don't live with regret over not seeing her before it is too late.
The expression, 'cannot see the woods for the trees' comes to mind as I read your posts.
To fellow 'weak and exjws' - remember we can see things a lot more clearly than 'good jws' who have been indoctrinated.