Hi Giordano, I didn't look at it like that, but I agree, I'm trying to gain their respect in writing to them.
Almost like going back to an abusive boyfriend, because you believe him when he says no one else will love you. You believe in the conditions that love has always had, because that's all we know in there as the comments above have stated.
Being so down trodden...you go back to fight for your survival because you haven't learned to survive by loving yourself.
Im needing them to think" oh she has a point" " that makes sense why she's left the org". So I can breathe and stop the thoughts of what there thinking of me of continuously running around my head. I can't hear what I need, what I want I survive on them excepting me making me a "real" person a "worthy" person who deserves to get her needs met even the very basic ones, by there exceptence of me.
This is how I've obviously been thinking, unconsciously.
I suppose going up in in the cult, stripped us of our own mind, only momentarily connecting with our needs/ wants and feeling like we were worthy of receiving when OTHERS considered us worthy enough.
However it was never enough, but it's seemed a possibility so we ran after the dream that appeared to be "Paradise" but in reality it was underdeveloped minds running after the carrot of our very own human right. To be loved for the unique individuals that we are. To be respected.
life passes so quickly as a JW, day in day out the same objective proving your worth to yourself and to others works hand in hand.
One day being on top of the world because you were out of the ministry for hours, coming back feeling like you can go to the gym, go out somewhere nice or even be context to laugh ( even though you didn't find a single person home),
the next day feeling like trash, when announced at the netting how a single sister with 4 kids, are all home schooled, shes pioneering with her 10 yrs old daughter..
It was never ending. No one could ever live up to it. The dangling carrot right underneath your nose. Just when you think your in reach of it, your delusional bubble gets snatched a way further.
They know you can't reach it so they have to keep making it feel like it your fault somehow. Letting us believe this takes the focus of them it appears that it's our fault we are not doing enough.
You don't have that sister up saying how hard she is finding it...her kids are distressed she's on anti depressants because she's finding it all to much trying to be perfect.
My mum and sister where doing same thing my mum would come back and not talk to anyone she was exhausted had to up her antidepressants and my big sister was hospitalised for an eating disorder soon after.
Every one would say how well they were doing, they would take all the praises and smile so widely and feel apart of the cong for a while and say it's with Jehovahs holy sprit were able to do this as they got pat on the back.
So young but I picked up on all the fakeness, it scared me I couldn't make sense of it all them...but I knew it wasn't loving. I would go door knocking and when someone seemed to listen to my mother I would say a prayer for them not to come in or be in next time we called, because I felt they were being tricked. I don't know how I could still pray, but I did.
Sorry I went off on a verbal rant...it's nice to get in all out though I've never spoke about this before but it was all locked up inside hidden from excepting these thoughts and perceptions.
Answer to your question Giordano, I had a study and believed it was the truth. I must have been so vulnerable, I just wanted love I suppose so I studied the book and at the time it seemed so reasonable...and the fact that I was a person chosen by Jehovahs I was good, worthy. My family's praise & "love" them rallying around me must have done the trick to convince me.
For a time it helped me build a bridge with my past, convincing me that my mum wasn't so bad, she was a chosen witnesses like myself "a special people".
I didn't want to be associated with that care kid from the past I cut her off...she was not worthy I had got it all wrong I didn't except the "truth" when I was younger I convinced myself that's why it all went so horribly wrong.
This brought pain to me so I cut that part of me away, I wanted to be worthy..I tossed the real me away like trash...the way my family had done years before. This was my new life now with my new family of "decent" people brothers and sisters. Finally I would have my mum and sisters back and they would see I was a good person so could finally love me.
I had a reason to want to live again motivated in life it made me feel Jehovah was helping me because I was in his Organisation. They commented on how much better my life was now I turned back to Jehovahs. It was better because I felt hope I would have a happy family I was holding on to this illusion from the day I went into Care.
I could not remain in there and be happy I relived the fakeness and that's not me...I was becoming to think and act like them and I struggled to sleep at night my conscience unsettled me, but wasn't sure why.
i look back and realise now I had sold out. I had sold my soul to them. To much of a high price to pay. I love people I always have I'm not good at connecting due to my up bringing but I can read people body language very well it's all that practise at the meeting when I was young trying to make sense of the mental confusion I was going through.
I am am going to write a letter, I won't mention the Org, the comments on here has made me realise it doesn't make sense, their not going to listen to me. However I am going to write about how we were treated as child, how that made me feel. It's not going to get white washed anymore. I doubt they will show it to the elders it won't put them in good standing. I don't have to mention doctrine but I can eclipse the lack of empathy..
My sisters have buried it so this might make them think about the Org...as part of being in there ....every thing is fake no real talk, they can't handle it because it brings them back to the real world of the living. I have helped enable them in living in this bubble but my sole intention is to get some form of closure so it's not swimming around in my mind...just this seem reasonable or do I come across bitter??