Thank you, ohiocowboy. You are a wonderfully caring person. Thank you, too, talesin, laverite, and everyone else, including those who have had trouble posting on this last page due to technical issues. I had to go ahead and take a xanax after that post above, and I think it has taken effect because I can think a little more clearly now without breaking down again. My deepest appreciation to you all.
truman
JoinedPosts by truman
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322
My son was murdered today
by truman ini have been on this site daily, almost from its beginning, since i left the jws in 2001, but i have been more of a reader than a poster, as you can see from my post count.
i know few here know me, although i know many of you through reading your posts.
maybe it is not right to ask for support, when i generally stay quietly in the background of this forum, but i want only to speak a human misery of the deepest kind.
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322
My son was murdered today
by truman ini have been on this site daily, almost from its beginning, since i left the jws in 2001, but i have been more of a reader than a poster, as you can see from my post count.
i know few here know me, although i know many of you through reading your posts.
maybe it is not right to ask for support, when i generally stay quietly in the background of this forum, but i want only to speak a human misery of the deepest kind.
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truman
Today was a hard day. I feel exhausted and miserable. Late in the afternoon, we accompanied Glendon's body to the crematorium and stayed as they placed him into the apparatus and closed the door. There is a finality there that was more stark than even seeing him laid out at the funeral home.
The day began with my sister and I shopping for something for me to wear to Glendon's memorial and the funeral of Dep. Paris. Since I left the JWs, my closet has gradually emptied of dress-up clothes. I had nothing suitable. Everywhere we went, I kept running into salespeople smiling and telling me to have a nice day or asking me how I am in that polite way that requires a formalistic reply to match the perfunctory question. I tried, I really did, but finally, I said to the lady who was handing out number tags at the dressing room entrance in Marshall's, "I've been better." I must have looked as bad as I was feeling because she did not just ignore my failure to respond as expected. She asked me if I was feeling ill. I told her I was shopping for funeral clothes. "The officer...?" she asked tentatively. "The locksmith," I replied " was my son." Suddenly she was not just an employee in a store handling routine matters, and I was not just another anonymous customer. Everyone in town knows about what happened. She hugged me and there was real human contact. It is a valuable thing. Still, even as I sit here at my computer trying to write, tears are falling on my keyboard and I feel so disconnected to everything. I really can't say anything more, except to keep thanking all who have posted here and who keep checking back on me. I appreciate the love, caring, and warm energies that are sent my way. I can only hope they will cling to me until I can absorb them. Today, I can only cry.
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322
My son was murdered today
by truman ini have been on this site daily, almost from its beginning, since i left the jws in 2001, but i have been more of a reader than a poster, as you can see from my post count.
i know few here know me, although i know many of you through reading your posts.
maybe it is not right to ask for support, when i generally stay quietly in the background of this forum, but i want only to speak a human misery of the deepest kind.
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truman
Thank you, Chris (Black Sheep). I will be thinking of your candle then. Glendon visited New Zealand a few years back, and he greatly enjoyed the opportunity to experience the beauty of your country. I know he would appreciate your thinking of him, and of me.
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322
My son was murdered today
by truman ini have been on this site daily, almost from its beginning, since i left the jws in 2001, but i have been more of a reader than a poster, as you can see from my post count.
i know few here know me, although i know many of you through reading your posts.
maybe it is not right to ask for support, when i generally stay quietly in the background of this forum, but i want only to speak a human misery of the deepest kind.
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truman
FlyingHighNow and Morbidzbaby, thank you for these urgings of hope for memories to endure. The suggestion of a memory book sounds like it could be therapeutic for many of us. You are right about the memories of a child/teen of childhood loss versus the memories of a middle-aged woman for her child grown and now gone. You have helped me to think of it a little bit differently. I am a person who processes much of my emotion intellectually, and your analyses speak to me. Thank you.
Today we viewed Glendon's body at the funeral home. We had a two hour span to be with him. We could touch him and take time to say goodbye. As hard as it is to know that he is gone for good, that was helpful. I had some time with him alone before his wife and the rest of the family arrived, which I was grateful for. Tomorrow we accompany his body to the crematorium. They said at the funeral home that this is not generally done, but can be arranged, and I knew immediately that I must go with him on his final journey in this world. I will have his ashes in a beautiful urn. At this point, I cannot tell whether having them will be some kind of comfort or a constant reminder of the agony of his loss. The body of Deputy Sheriff Paris was being escorted by a contingent of his fellow officers to the crematorium just as we were arriving at the funeral home. I know that his family is also in deep pain over the loss that has been forced upon us all.
PaintedToeNail and others, thank you for your concern. We are getting the support we need, and Glendon's wife is especially cared for by the JWs. My husband and younger son and I are supporting one another with the help of extended family--my sister just arrived from the Midwest today and will be staying the week until Glendon's memorial. Many people in the community have also offered help and both men's funerals/memorials will be attended by hundreds.
Chicken Little, I am so glad that your son is still with you after the scary time you endured. It is a gift of immeasurable value that he is.
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322
My son was murdered today
by truman ini have been on this site daily, almost from its beginning, since i left the jws in 2001, but i have been more of a reader than a poster, as you can see from my post count.
i know few here know me, although i know many of you through reading your posts.
maybe it is not right to ask for support, when i generally stay quietly in the background of this forum, but i want only to speak a human misery of the deepest kind.
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truman
Thank you, friends, thank you so much for helping me to keep going. Tomorrow we will have the official viewing of the body at the funeral home. I must prepare myself again to see my son dead. It is such a fraught prospect. I want to see him and touch him one last time, but.....it makes me ache in the very core of my body to think about it. My younger son and his wife spent most of the afternoon and evening with us again today. I think we are all feeling the need to knit up family ties in a way that may have been too easy to treat casually before this happened. We picked out pictures of Glendon for a poster board to be displayed at the JW memorial he will have next Saturday. I have pictures of him as an infant just home from the hospital and pictures of him from only a few months ago at my home. I hold his entire lifespan in my hands, and it seems so rediculously absurd because he was so much more than what the eyes take in from these photographs.
Momma-Tossed Me and Butterfly Leia, thanks for checking on me. It has been part of my lifeline to come back here and post something. I appreciate your caring and concern.
FHN, I know the pain lessens with time as the shock wears off. Thank you for reminding me though, because it is easy to feel convinced that it never will when in its grip. I worry though, since that is a process that cuts both ways, as memory fades with time too. I know we cannot live in agony for long, but if the pain keeps the memories of him alive, I would willingly endure it.
Botzwana, I do understand your despair at the loss of your father. I lost my mother when I was 18, when she had a cerebral hemorrhage at the age of 43. I guess my experience with her death is one reason I feel like I said above: time passes and the memories dim. I cannot conjure any image of my mother in my mind than the one that comes from a photograph on my wall. Now, I have lost a piece of my future in my son, along with the pieces of my past that I lost with the death of my mother. But as you say, you keep on living, and I must find a way to do that.
Compound Complex, as a writer and a student of literature, I know well that tragedy in one's life can be transmuted through writing. The price this time seems way too high, however. I have already paid it though, so I hope I can eventually reach the place you describe.
Moshe, I have seen all sorts of comments, including those such as you mention. People often speak out of ignorant bravado from behind the anonymity of a keyboard and a computer screen. But as heartbroken as I am about the absolutely unconscionable loss of my son Glendon, I recognize the confluence of macro-forces that some may see as contributing to this tragedy. These do not excuse individual behavior and the heinous act the shooter committed, but they might serve to alert us as a people that the evil done to my son Glendon and to Deputy Sheriff Paris may have roots that extend deeper than the insane delusions of a single individual armed to the teeth and desperate enough to do anything.
Thank you all.
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322
My son was murdered today
by truman ini have been on this site daily, almost from its beginning, since i left the jws in 2001, but i have been more of a reader than a poster, as you can see from my post count.
i know few here know me, although i know many of you through reading your posts.
maybe it is not right to ask for support, when i generally stay quietly in the background of this forum, but i want only to speak a human misery of the deepest kind.
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truman
My sincerest thanks to all of you who have posted your sympathies, empathies, and condolences to me. They have helped me immensely during these dreadful days. I have read every one, and I can feel the real community of the people on this board.
I am trying to keep things together, but the whirlwind of emotions that come and go is so difficult at times. My younger son has been a pillar and support for me. Like his slain brother, he is a wonderful person, although in different ways as each child always is. He has spent many hours with me over the last couple of days, and when he and his wife are here, it helps to ease the misery. We talk about Glendon, but we do not dwell on his horrible end. But I am finding that even the impulse to smile and be alive myself brings its own curse of pain. I suddenly wonder how I can justify smiling when my murdered son will never smile again. Today, I was "shopping" for cremation urns for his ashes. It just seems such an unbearable travesty.
Satinka, I am so sorry to hear about your loss of your brother. This is the pain that my younger son is experiencing.
GL Tirebiter, you say well to call what happened to my son "an act of evil"
Clarity, thank you for taking the time to read some of my old posts, and thank you for the encouragement about writing. Actually, after I left the JWs, I decided to go to school. I am only a couple of courses from finishing my master's degree in English now, but somehow, school seems so unimportant now. Writing is definitely something I treasure though. I am hoping that I can find a way to work through the healing process through writing. Right now, though, I have been offered the job of writing my son's obituary. Every time I start a sentence, it looks so hollow. I am not sure I can do it.
Time Bandit, I try not to be a vengeful person, but they did "fry the bastard" as you so aptly put it. I have to assume he was some sort of lost soul himself, bent on a path of self-destruction. Why he had to take my beloved son with him, I do not believe any god from any religion has an adequate answer.
Once again, thank you all
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322
My son was murdered today
by truman ini have been on this site daily, almost from its beginning, since i left the jws in 2001, but i have been more of a reader than a poster, as you can see from my post count.
i know few here know me, although i know many of you through reading your posts.
maybe it is not right to ask for support, when i generally stay quietly in the background of this forum, but i want only to speak a human misery of the deepest kind.
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truman
Loosie, if you are a friend of Wayne's, then you are a friend of mine. He is a sweet soul, whom I love dearly.
Purza, yes, this happened in Central California. It has received widespread coverage, both for the absolute waste of my son's life and that of the deputy sheriff and for the intensity of the police response to the shooter in a daylong and most of the night standoff. Yes, another family, the deputy's, is also grieving a lost loved one in this, not to mention the people who were (likely--I have not seen pictures of the site) burned out of their homes in the endgame conflagration that occurred.
I took my xanax tonight, and my remaining son, who has been supporting me in the most sensitive and caring ways, along with my husband and his wife, spent some time tonight talking about childhood memories of his brother and him. I was able to smile and almost feel human again for a short while. They have gone now, and the pain quickly returns. Earlier tonight, we were given the chance to see my son's body at the county coroner's office. It was a heartbreaking experience. We saw only his head, since they had done autopsy on him and his body had not yet been prepared by the mortuary. I know this is kind of rambling, and I aopolgize, but my thoughts are far from linear right now.
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A JWN Member just lost her Husband and She could use some encouragement.
by ohiocowboy inon 4/6, the poster orphan annie posted about her experiences with jw's and her ill husband.
unfortunately, her husband died monday, and she is feeling very sad.
i just wanted to make others aware of it, so that we can encourage her and give her some much needed support during this rough time.. her original thread is here.
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truman
Orphan Annie, I have just suffered a similar loss of loved one, too. As one grieving person to another, I know there is only one thing that will truly bring relief, and that cannot be had. For me, just getting to the end of the day seems an accomplishment. I hope you will have plenty of support around to help you through the dark times. I wish I could be more upbeat here, but in my current state, this is the best I can do. My deepest condolences to you .
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322
My son was murdered today
by truman ini have been on this site daily, almost from its beginning, since i left the jws in 2001, but i have been more of a reader than a poster, as you can see from my post count.
i know few here know me, although i know many of you through reading your posts.
maybe it is not right to ask for support, when i generally stay quietly in the background of this forum, but i want only to speak a human misery of the deepest kind.
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truman
Thank you all for your outpouring of empathy. I don't know how I am going to get through this, but your suggestion, Barbara, is one that is comforting to me. He was a good man who brought his mother and others happiness.
I got some xanax from the doctor, but I hesitate to take it. I feel that I owe my son to experience this pain and not to shrink from its intensity.
James_Woods and others, what you say is food for thought. I appreciate your analytical perspective on the events.
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322
My son was murdered today
by truman ini have been on this site daily, almost from its beginning, since i left the jws in 2001, but i have been more of a reader than a poster, as you can see from my post count.
i know few here know me, although i know many of you through reading your posts.
maybe it is not right to ask for support, when i generally stay quietly in the background of this forum, but i want only to speak a human misery of the deepest kind.
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truman
I so appreciate the support here from all of you. As bad as yesterday was, today seems worse, maybe because the numbness from the shock is wearing off, and I know that every day for the rest of my life I will wake up to a world without Glendon in it.
Thank you, Gayle for this : "Your son had unconditional love for you and was true to that love. He obviously had respect for you and trueness in his heart" That is what I will cling to. His love for me was able to transcend the WTS's programming enough for us to remain close as mother and son after I left the organization. I have spent many years feeling enormous guilt for leaving the JWs while he stayed in it. He was truly the model JW child, and willingly so. He did everything I asked of him, believed me when I taught him this religion, and then I pulled the rug out from under him by leaving it myself. I had hopes that he would eventually be able to get out himself. I think he would have, if he had more time.