Posts by TerryWalstrom

6

Confession: I, Safecracker

by TerryWalstrom in

jw
friends

i, safe cracker _______________.

this is one story i doubt i’ve told before.

for obvious reasons…it was 1969; the place, fort worth; the location, the star-telegram building in downtown fort worth, and i was a lowly janitor working for $1.60 an hour on the midnight to 8 am shift.you might wonder what a tall, good-looking 22-year-old was doing struggling at a no-future employment for slave wages.

TerryWalstrom

It is punishing to do the "right" thing and hate yourself for it!

6

Confession: I, Safecracker

by TerryWalstrom in

jw
friends

i, safe cracker _______________.

this is one story i doubt i’ve told before.

for obvious reasons…it was 1969; the place, fort worth; the location, the star-telegram building in downtown fort worth, and i was a lowly janitor working for $1.60 an hour on the midnight to 8 am shift.you might wonder what a tall, good-looking 22-year-old was doing struggling at a no-future employment for slave wages.

TerryWalstrom

I, SAFE CRACKER
_______________

This is one story I doubt I’ve told before. For obvious reasons…

It was 1969; the place, Fort Worth; the location, the Star-Telegram building in downtown Fort Worth, and I was a lowly janitor working for $1.60 an hour on the Midnight to 8 am shift.
You might wonder what a tall, good-looking 22-year-old was doing struggling at a no-future employment for slave wages.
Let me tell you.

The reason is this. I had just been paroled from the Federal Correctional Institution in Seagoville, Texas. In case you’re puzzled--that was a prison and I was now an ex-con.

As losers go, things were worst still--I was in a religious cult, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and trying to hold down a job while simultaneously devoting 100 hours each month to neighborhood door knocking ministerial outreach known by JW’s as PIONEERING.

Living on $12.80 a day doesn’t sound like much preparation for a bright future, does it? Ha! I would have laughed back then at such a suggestion. What did I know that most other people didn’t know?

The END of 6,000 years of human history was only a few years away! My religious leaders (in Brooklyn New York) had been tipped off by none other than the Supreme Being--1975 was bringing down the curtain on humanity. Only we J-Dubs would survive. We had pity on the rest of humanity, of course, that’s why I was going door to door and warning my fellow Texans. First, they should ‘donate’ twenty-five cents for a little blue book called THE TRUTH THAT LEADS TO ETERNAL LIFE, then, they needed to agree to sit down with me for a weekly Bible study (really just a study of that little blue book) and follow that with regular meeting attendance at the local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

But this story is titled, I, Safe cracker--is it not?
I’m getting to that. Just be patient.

The majority of young JW’s had crappy employment because the “future” was six years away and our religious Governing Body assured us college and higher education and a career was a BIG waste of our time which was better spent saving lives.
Some toiled as truck drivers, some were shoe salesmen, some were window washers, and many were janitors. (Spoiler alert: 47 years later THEY STILL ARE.)

I secured employment from a big custodial business and the client building was the local newspaper. My duties were to empty trash cans and ashtrays in all the offices on whatever floor we were cleaning on any particular night.
My story officially begins on one particular Thursday night. It is significant because the following day would be a Friday (duh) and PAYDAY for Star Telegram employees. It was the custom at that time for many businesses to pass out pay envelopes with cash in them instead of printing checks. Banks were only open until 3 pm and many workers needed the cash. Banks weren’t open on the weekends and there was no such thing as an ATM money dispenser. Got the picture?

My assignment that Thursday night was the executive private offices of the Editor-in-Chief. Inside the office was a walk-in vestibule with one of those huge Excelsior Wells Fargo safes you see in old western movies. It was about 5 feet high with a large combination lock dial and handle.
(Before I continue, here is an authorial aside: In High School students were assigned lockers which were fastened securely with combination locks. We were admonished and mandated to keep those locks closed at all times. Owing to the shortness of time between classes, we clever youth would dial in ALL the numbers in advance except the last number. Why? All we had to do was make a slight turn of the dail and jerk the handle. Voila! It opened!)
Entering the Editor-in-Chief’s (Mr. Kuykendahl) executive office, I vacuumed his carpet, emptied the metal trash can, wiped the ashtrays, dusted and--uh-oh!--What’s THIS? A Wells Fargo safe??

This is the part where you will just have to take my word for it. Good luck with that!

I had never had direct access to one of those old safes before and I thought--on a lark--it would be sort of FUN if I pulled on the handle and rotated the dial S-L-O-W-L-Y on the outside possibility I had A. Chosen the right direction to rotate and B. Passed the correct last number on the C. Possibility Kuykendahl was just as lazy as any common High Schooler standing at a locker between classes.

IT WORKED!
I was flabbergasted! Gobsmacked! Thrilled!
I complimented myself on a brilliant guess.
Then, I realized I could technically be charged with SAFE CRACKING!!

The door was open and I could see stacks of cash right before my wondering eyes.
There was a bottle of Vodka, too.

In a split second, my subconscious mind was weighing the statistical odds of many permutations of happenings!

1. Getting caught (“Was your safe securely locked, Mr. Kuykendahl?” “Yes, of course, it was.” “Who else had the combination?”)
2. Fitting all that cash on my person without telltale bulges in my clothing. (Terry, are you feeling okay? You look bloated!”
3. Keeping a straight face for the next 8 hours as I vacuumed, swept, dusted, etc.
(Hey, why do you keep giggling like that? You drunk?”
4. A loud interior voice was screaming: “You are a Jehovah’s Witness entrusted with keeping the reputation of the ‘only true religion’ free of desecration!”
5. I wonder how many twenties would fit inside my underwear and socks?

_______

Before you judge me too harshly…
What I tell myself today, all these years later, is that the decision I made in pretty much less than 3 seconds, was a BIG MISTAKE. I was earning slave wages, newly married, had no prospects for buying a car or a house or anything else.
But THE WORLD WOULD SHORTLY END and people who steal cash would NOT survive Armageddon (the war of the Great Day of God Almighty in which evil people are hacked to death by avenging angels.).

Therefore, in view of the fact I was morally locked into a very character-testing situation and all eyes in heaven were on me…

______
Like I told you before, that was 47 years ago.
Would you believe me if I told you, in all that time, no matter where I was or what I was doing, not a week has gone by that I haven’t thought back to that moment of decision where all that cash was just lying there and the chances of anybody figuring out how a lowly janitor could crack a safe without a torch or dynamite…
Well--you get what I’m saying. Don’t you?
In real time, I slammed that Wells Fargo door and spun the dial as quickly as humanly possible BEFORE the intelligent part of my brain made me reach for the cash! I save myself FROM myself.

Now here is my final confession. Are you ready?
I regret slamming the door on that safe.
I DO--I think I acted quite foolishly.

I keep trying to figure out how good or how stupid I was back then AND how bad and how stupid I am at this moment.
I just don’t know.
Do you?

Starman the Astronomer Clown

by TerryWalstrom in

jw
friends

starman the astronomer-clown.

"why do you think starman stopped coming to see us?

"what did you tell your mom about starman?".

TerryWalstrom

STARMAN the ASTRONOMER-CLOWN

I and a few other scraggly urchins stood awkwardly in a circle surrounding "Starman" as he demonstrated one of his baffling magic tricks.
There was a garden faucet suspended in mid-air with water running out!
Head scratching followed.
"How do you do that, Starman?" Wayne, the mean kid from down by the tracks demanded to know.
Starman turned the spigot and the water ceased flowing. He cocked his head toward Wayne and forced a smug grin.
"I do it very well, I'd say."

Each visit from Starman was special for one or the other of us. He would select one child and go off with him (some place out of sight) to tell a tale of astronomical interest, circus hijinx, or magic.
I was the youngest kid on the block and never got chosen.

I asked the older kids but nobody said a word.

"Starman said if we tell--he'll stop coming around. Magic is secret and we swore."
My feelings were hurt. I was the odd boy out. This wasn't unusual. I never fit in any place either on my block, at school, or at games the others played.

"Who is that strange man?"
My grandmother had noticed with her keen eye. There was something dark in the tone of her query.
She definitely refused to accept my reply.
"He's an astronomer-clown who knows lots of magic. He lives in the circus and ---"
Grandma interrupted immediately. Her face was flushed.

"Next time that man comes around you come straight in the house and tell me. You hear?"
This frightened me but I didn't know why. I was worried I'd end up being blamed by the others if Starman stopped coming around. I did agree to report any astronomer-clown sightings, however.

_____

Years later, I was reading a comic book and came across an advertisement for a book revealing magic tricks secrets and it brought to mind that summer when Starman stopped visiting.
I had dutifully made my report and was told in no uncertain terms to remain inside the house while Grandma went out to speak to him.
I was at the window straining to hear but the two of them were too far away.
Starman was wearing what he always wore; baggy khaki pants and a Hawaiian shirt. He never looked my Grandma in the eye and seemed to say very little. She was doing all the talking.
He had turned to leave but the police car came around the corner and he froze in place.
My heart almost stopped. The neighborhood kids would find out about this and I'd be blamed! I didn't see any of them because he hadn't had time to round anybody up thanks to my intervention.
I remember the black and white police car and how the little red light on top revolved a bright flashing sentinel as I stood at the window without understanding any of what I saw.
A minute or so later, the police drove away and Starman walked off sadly, unmolested by the law.
My grandma had nothing to say to me. She shut me down completely.
The astronomer-clown never returned.

_______
One of the young kids who lived three blocks away was named Don Jetton. He and I walked home from Morningside Elementary school together sometimes. He wasn't exactly a friend, but neither was he a bully like most of the others.

I screwed my courage to the hilt one afternoon and asked him.
"Why do you think Starman stopped coming to see us?"
He froze for a moment in mid stride. His face paled.
I watched a flicker of pain pass over him.
"I told my Mom. I broke my swear. She made me."

This brought immense relief!
I was bracing myself for accusation--but all that paranoia went away suddenly and I broke out in a beaming smile.

I was emboldened.
"What did you tell your Mom about Starman?"

He stared at me with a strange expression.
"Mom told me to never ... ever talk about that."

I could see he wanted to tell me. What should I say?
How could I convince him it was okay?

As I was scheming in my head, Don Jetton turned to me and straight away let it all out in a streaming confessional.

"He explained about the Big Bang and how many billions of years ago stuff suddenly happened and ...also how you could tell how old the universe is by something called redshift and... I can't explain it. I just listened and didn't ask any questions."

"Why does any of that need need keeping as a big secret?"

"Cuz at the end of all he was telling me...he leaned in close and whispered something in my ear."

I waited until my patience ran out. Which was about five seconds.

"Well, don't just stand there--TELL ME."

I can't describe the guilty look on Don Jetton's face but it looked like he was about to pass out.

"I'm waiting. Just say it already."

He swallowed hard and made his decision. He pulled near and leaned toward my ear which caused me to pull back. I don't know what I was thinking he was going to do. Well, maybe I do. I thought he was going to kiss me. He didn't.
He whispered so softly I made him repeat it.

As soon as he told me, I had to stand pretty quietly for about a minute. My wheels were turning.
I took what he said and matched it with the mysterious behavior and secrets and one kid at a time going off with Starman where nobody could see what was going on.

I nodded with understanding. I suppose I could understand the anger my Grandma showed and why she didn't want to say anything.

Back then, in the 1950's, such matters were very very scandalous in the South.
There were things you could never tell a child--especially somebody else's child.

Starman had whispered forbidden words. Three of them.

The astronomer-clown who was a magician had revealed a very creepy secret.

"There is no God."

6

What do you Think Would Happen ... if ...?

by TerryWalstrom in

what do you think would happen.... .

if the size of your city doubled and the increase in population was because jehovah's witnesses had moved in?.

or scientologists?

TerryWalstrom

WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN...

if the size of your city doubled and the increase in population was because Jehovah's Witnesses had moved in?

Or Scientologists? Or Mormons?

Or any group with peculiar beliefs, prejudices, judgments, and customs?

______

Do you think things would improve for YOU personally?

Think about it. Why wouldn't it?

We're talking about persons who are totally committed to a set of principles to the point of refusing to compromise. Isn't that...um...good?

Yes? No?

_______

Let's fine tune this question a bit, shall we?

What if your community doubled because of an influx of Orthodox Jews or Wahabi Muslims? How about Evangelical Pentecostals?

______

Finally, let's change the premise ever so slightly...

What if your influx (no matter which group showed up) were all living in poverty? How would that change things?

_____

How would YOU personally be affected in your daily life? Would prices go up or down? Would grocery stores and restaurants change their menus? Would local laws be modified? How about medical centers?

People who THINK, ACT and BELIEVE differently than you make up most of the population of the world.

If you can't tolerate them--why should they tolerate you?

Sooner or later, you may have to think about this premise. Why not get used to the changes right now, inside your head...and especially inside your heart?

6

Hollywood Memories: Crucified by Salvador Dali

by TerryWalstrom in

jw
friends

hollywood memories: crucified by salvador dali.

have you ever met anybody who’s been crucified?

and no--it wasn’t a religious delusion on my part.

TerryWalstrom

I didn't know it at the time, but the Billy Hork location there in Westwood was pretty much under the control of a friend of Hork, Tom Francini, who had an unsavory reputation for shade.
That's even a polite way of stating it!
One evening, two local artists who were friends were standing in front of their artwork (framed on the wall) and heatedly discussing with each other something which appeared to be troubling them.
I walked over and asked. The earful I got!

Francini was illicitly running off lithograph copies in unlimited editions without notifying the artists or seeking approval. It was like printing money!

Once this was pointed out to me, I scrutinized everything hanging on the wall more carefully.
I very stupidly and naively raised this issue with Tom the next day and BOOM!
That's another story I may tell one day.
There was a court case not long afterward.
I had to wise up about the Art Business pretty fast.
Like many operations I encountered (The Movie Business, Television, Art) a great deal of larceny was going on. Naive people got hurt. The villains got off without a problem.

I've been compiling a great many of my California adventures into a book I'll finish editing soon. I'm old enough now to not worry about being sued when I name names and tell it like it was :)

6

Hollywood Memories: Crucified by Salvador Dali

by TerryWalstrom in

jw
friends

hollywood memories: crucified by salvador dali.

have you ever met anybody who’s been crucified?

and no--it wasn’t a religious delusion on my part.

TerryWalstrom

I loved Westwood.
It really was a "village" at that time.
The corporate side of things had barely begun to gnaw at the indigenous commerce but plenty of local charm remained.
I'd eat at the Good Earth for lunch and walk to the record store on...Gailey? Was that the street? Something like that.
The movie theaters were superb. I saw the world premiere of Never Say Never again there and Road Warrior (the original).
I'm sure it's all a vapor of memory now. I carry around what's left of the real estate inside my head.

6

Hollywood Memories: Crucified by Salvador Dali

by TerryWalstrom in

jw
friends

hollywood memories: crucified by salvador dali.

have you ever met anybody who’s been crucified?

and no--it wasn’t a religious delusion on my part.

TerryWalstrom

HOLLYWOOD MEMORIES: CRUCIFIED by SALVADOR DALI

Have you ever met anybody who’s been crucified? Well, I have! And no--it wasn’t a religious delusion on my part. His name was Russell Saunders and this is my memory of our conversation.

You can meet a remarkable variety of people on a Friday night in Westwood Village (Los Angeles suburb) if you’re working at Billy Hork Galleries in 1980. For one thing, this gallery was next door to a highly popular French restaurant ( Moustache Cafe’) as well as a movie theater. Long lines of people waiting for a table or a ticket wandered into the gallery and likely as not encountered me and my penchant for exploratory chit-chat.

I was an Art Sales associate at the time and there was supposed to be two of us on duty. However, the other fellow had a second job selling Ferrari sports cars and his cocaine habit often meant he didn’t show up for work. This was wonderful from my standpoint--I had every customer to myself!

One of my hobbies was creating mixtapes of film music to play inside the gallery for Hollywood ambiance.

“Excuse me, can you tell me what music this is?” This was a common query.

This particular weekend, a very fit older gentleman approached and flashed a smile at me.

“This is Victor Young’s music from SHANE.” It was a statement--not a question.

Our conversation had begun on my favorite topic--Movie Music!

“How’d you know that?”

“I was Alan Ladd’s stunt double in that movie. It is considered one of the best fights of its kind.”

“It certainly was--a classic, if you ask me. My name is Terry, and you?”

“I’m Russell Saunders. I was a stunt man for many years. I doubled for all the greats.” _____

__________________

In the next fifteen minutes, I confess to neglecting my duties as a salesman for the opportunity (once in a lifetime) to listen to this extraordinary man tell me his life story.

________

“I grew up in Winnipeg. I was a diving champ and acrobat and I was particularly good at what we use to call ‘tumbling.’ I knew how to hit the ground without hurting myself.”

“You obviously ended up in California in the early days.”

“Oh yeah. I was chasing a diving scholarship. I was best friends with Steve Reeves, Vic Tanny, and Jack LaLanne, working out at Muscle Beach. Talent scouts were down there all the time and one of them spotted me doing my tumbling routine. I taught acrobatics to several actors and ended up doing stunts as a double.” __________

_______________

Saunders was solidly built, medium height, and he had one of those classic faces which had “leading man” imprinted in the bone structure :)

He rattled off a list of movies and actors which impressed me mightily. He doubled for

Errol Flynn, Gene Kelly, Danny Kaye, Charles Boyer, Red Buttons and Richard Widmark, Alan Ladd, and the list goes on and on.

King Kong, The Thing from Another World, The Three Musketeers, Spartacus, Shane, Singing in the Rain, Hatari, Logan’s Run, The Goonies, etc.

________

We got around to the subject of Art this way. On one of the walls of the gallery hung Salvador Dali’s lithograph of his painting "Christ of Saint John of the Cross" (1951)"

Saunders tugged at my sleeve, pointing at the portrait with pride and a large smile.

“That’s me!”

I did a double take. “You’re joking?”

“Nah. I answered an ad in the newspaper for male models to pick up extra cash between films. It was for Salvador Dali. He needed a man of excellent physical proportions he could hang on a cross and experiment with various lighting schemes. He took one look at me and my resume’ and I was hired.”

Naturally, I pumped him for personal information on Dali--insight you couldn’t ordinarily get from reading a magazine or formal Art journal.

“Let me tell you about Dali,” he began, “He was a real piece of work. Unique in every way. Dali was in Hollywood working with Hitchcock on SPELLBOUND in 1945, and designing dream sequences. He told me how uncomfortable it was for him being in Hollywood because he was accustomed to being the center of attention back in Spain, of being ‘far out’ and weird, but he felt commonplace and ordinary in California around movie people!”

Saunders revealed how Dali had strapped Saunders to a gantry so he could see the effect of the pull of gravity on his body. All sorts of strange ideas were explored. Dali saw himself as the first artist to paint pictures that could combine science with religious belief and called this Nuclear Mysticism.

“Dali worked on his sketches for years. He invited me to travel back with him to the Dali Castle in Spain--by ship--he hated the idea of flying. How could I refuse? Even if I would lose out on Hollywood revenue--the opportunity and the experience were too fascinating for me to refuse. Dali lived like an Emperor. He was very pleasant as a conversationalist and host. He was surrounded by sensuality, debauchery, and extravagance that put Hollywood self-indulgence to shame. He was great friends with Picasso and his conversations about the atom bomb were out of this world. I had the time of my life. I flew back and forth for parts of 3 years working with Dali on this project.”

I would have loved to go on talking to Saunders but there were customers asking me if they could purchase art…”PLEASE!” I was forced to do my job!

I suggested to Saunders that he sign the litho hanging on the wall but he wanted no part of that. He was offended, in fact, at my suggestion that he do so.

“Not for love or money would I do that. Everybody has taken advantage of Salvador Dali over the years. The people he loved and trusted, business associates, his own atelier, and there is no way for me to know what is legitimately approved and what is counterfeit.”

I apologized for my venal brainstorm saying, “Actually, I wanted it for myself. I would buy the litho and keep it as a remembrance of our conversation.” He understood, he said, but there was no persuading him. My loss!!

I was called away to assist other customers and when I looked up again, like the Lone Ranger, he had vanished.

I could have kicked myself for not asking for more details! I wanted to know about Dali’s one true love--his wife--Gala. What might he have revealed? I’ll never know.

I did research years later. I wanted to know what became of Russell Saunders. What I was able to find was this.

Russ Saunders passed away in L.A., CA, on July 2001 at the grand age of 82. That was another 21 years he had lived following our conversation in Billy Hork Galleries.

He was still working in the business at that time, having just finished working on the comedy classic Airplane!

While his work in films was almost always uncredited, his image in Dali’s painting holds a particular significance for me.

I would never have known had he not told me, how many hours he spent ‘crucified’ by one of the greatest painters in history, Salvador Dali.

How many people on earth can make a claim like that?

__________

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hsuj5N3cDJY

6

Getting pissed with Sean and Michael (Hollywood Memory)

by TerryWalstrom in

jw
friends

getting pissed with sean and michael (hollywood memory).

the year is 1983. .

two new james bond films are slated for release, one of which will star the one, the only, sean connery, while the other one sports jolly roger moore.. never say never again vs octopussy, and i am one of the original james bond fanatics--so, how can i possibly miss out on the opportunity to attend the world premiere of connery’s flick?

TerryWalstrom

I once sat in a restaurant in Westwood Village (California) called THE GOOD EARTH and realized, when I looked to my immediate right on the other side of a partition, Dustin Hoffman was having lunch with a person I didn't recognize.

This was mid-afternoon and the noise level was subdued. I could catch snippets of conversation if I strained to do so. (Naturally, I did try.)

The upshot centered on Hoffman's efforts to purchase some presumably stolen 16mm film cans from-we'll call the guy a 'broker'-and the voice level was getting a bit heated.

After a bit, I conjectured these films were part of Hoffman's personal collection and somehow he now had to ransom them back. (I'm more or less guessing.)
I distinctly heard the 'other' party state, "So, why don't you call the Cops, then?"
Hoffman replied, "You know damn well I can't."
Did this imply Hoffman shouldn't have had them in the first place? This was in the 70's and there was only one way to view old films (the video tape recorder had not yet been marketed.)

I'm sorry to say, I don't have a beginning or an end to that. It's not even a story. Just one of those random moments...out of context and yet interesting to me at the time.
I was in my early 30's and transplanted from a small town in Texas into the huge metropolis of L.A.
Encountering celebrities was a completely new experience for me. My eyes were constantly bugging like a cartoon character.

While I was in the "Art Business", I crossed paths with many interesting characters, many of whom were larger than life. There was a gallery owner who was trafficking in fake Dali lithographs who wanted me to try and sell them, for example.
An actor, Alan Rich, who I knew casually, was said to be an expert on Dali. I showed him the prints and it didn't take him ten seconds to clue me in.
He told me Dali had been more or less incompetent in his declining years and was taken advantage of.
I met a Hollywood stuntman who worked on the side as a male model. He told me of answering an advertisement in the newspaper for a well-proportioned model. He discovered Salvador Dali needed him for a project (The Crucifixion of St. John).
Ah, the stories he told of Dali!
Those were the days, my friend!

6

Getting pissed with Sean and Michael (Hollywood Memory)

by TerryWalstrom in

jw
friends

getting pissed with sean and michael (hollywood memory).

the year is 1983. .

two new james bond films are slated for release, one of which will star the one, the only, sean connery, while the other one sports jolly roger moore.. never say never again vs octopussy, and i am one of the original james bond fanatics--so, how can i possibly miss out on the opportunity to attend the world premiere of connery’s flick?

TerryWalstrom

I was high on my V.I.P. status! That's my only excuse for taking the center :)

Years later and looking back--I should have taken my son rather than my wife. Wives come and go, but Sons are special.
I still can't grapple with the Rhonda Fleming popcorn embargo.
I left out a part of the story which probably is too politically incorrect to even try to tell.

6

Getting pissed with Sean and Michael (Hollywood Memory)

by TerryWalstrom in

jw
friends

getting pissed with sean and michael (hollywood memory).

the year is 1983. .

two new james bond films are slated for release, one of which will star the one, the only, sean connery, while the other one sports jolly roger moore.. never say never again vs octopussy, and i am one of the original james bond fanatics--so, how can i possibly miss out on the opportunity to attend the world premiere of connery’s flick?

TerryWalstrom

GETTING pissed with SEAN and MICHAEL (Hollywood Memory)

_________________________

The year is 1983.

Two new James Bond films are slated for release, one of which will star the one, the only, SEAN CONNERY, while the other one sports Jolly Roger Moore.

Never Say Never Again VS Octopussy, and I am one of the original James Bond fanatics--so, how can I possibly miss out on the opportunity to attend the WORLD PREMIERE of Connery’s flick? The premiere was to be held at the Mann National theater in Westwood California.

Was I excited or what?!

_______

Tickets were impossible to obtain--UNLESS--you had contacts in “the Biz” and fortunately for me, I did. I was friends with a celebrity photographer at the time, Dick Zimmerman, and he owed me a favor. Zimmerman, a Scientologist, shot top celebs for magazine covers and publicity events. He was invited to everything, of course.

Terry: “Dick, let me get right to the point without pretext: I need 2 tickets to Never Say Never. Can you get them for me?”

Zimmerman: “No. Everybody who's anybody will show up. Even people who used to be somebody will show up. Hell, people who nobody has heard of in years will want tickets. So, I’m sorry--I can’t help you. I’m using my tickets for myself.”

Terry: “Dick--do I have to say the magic words?”

Zimmerman: “What--what magic words?”

Terry: “You know.”

Zimmerman: “What the fuck are you talking about? What are these magic words?”

Terry: “Okay. You have left me no choice. YOU OWE ME.”

Zimmerman: (Silence.)

Terry: “So, when can I pick them up?”

Zimmerman: (Pouting) “Tomorrow at noon at my studio. Bastard!”

Terry: “Thank you, Dickie-bird!”

Zimmerman: “Fuck you.”

_______

Now I know you are curious. So here it is. I was friends with set decorators from MGM Studios and I came up with the idea of putting Zimmerman together with the set decorators for the purpose of using Zimmerman’s photography studio (a fabulous location) for shooting TV and feature films. The studio was in close proximity to MGM and Zimmerman would pick up $$ (covertly paid without tax liability) for the use of his location after hours. A sweet deal for both parties.

What did I get out of it? Well, if you are paying attention: TICKETS to the world premiere of Never Say Never Again with Sean Connery!

_________

I was living in Redondo Beach, California at the time in a condominium not all that far from the ocean. I mean, if you went out on the sundeck, squinted your eyes, craned your neck around the side of the condo, and the light was j-u-s-t right, you could glimpse the Pacific Ocean. Sort of. Pretty neat, eh? I told my (then) wife, Jadzia (Yah-jah) “Wear something very ‘Hollywood’ because we’re going to a Premiere!” She had something slinky and gorgeous, of course, and off we zoomed in the FIAT convertible (top down) for the dream event of my lifetime!

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Zimmerman was right!

Every breathing Hollywood relic appeared for the klieg lights, cameras and Entertainment Tonight stroll by microphone interviews. Some of these old stars, up close, didn’t appear to be human--so much make-up and face-lift engineering had gone into their facade of glamor.

Zsa Zsa Gabor, for example. When the lights hit her cheeks, they gleamed like the leather on a tuck n’ roll seat cover in an old Rolls Royce. She wore a red silk sort of Chinese thingy and her diamond earrings dangled like chandeliers from the Paris Opera.

Dudley Moore appeared bedazzled by the hubbub, standing next to his 6 ft. tall blonde date, Susan Anton (who did all the talking).

The question of the night: “When have you said 'Never Again?"

Susan Anton: (Nodding toward little Dudley) “I said I’d never go out with HIM again.”

Zsa Zsa: “I said I’d never again divorce!” (She had 9 husbands!)

Robert Culp: “I said I’d never do I SPY again.” (He later said he would and then changed his mind)

Neil Simon: “I have never said never. Well, just once. No, I never have.”

Larry Hagman: (Gesturing toward his wife, Maj, next to him). “I said I’d never get a divorce and we’ve been married 29 years.”

Michael Caine: “I said I’d never again go to a movie premiere...and here I am.”

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Yes, movie premieres are silly but fantastic fun!

This one was a charity event for the WCIL (Westside Community for Independent Living).

My wife Jadzia and I arrived early so we’d nab great seats.

My coerced Zimmerman tickets were in the V.I.P. section, as it turned out.

We didn’t have to worry about reserving a good spot.

We elected to stand just inside the front entrance rather than outside on the sidewalk with all the chaos and commotions. The celebrities would perforce enter directly in front of us!

Co-star Barbara Carrera is the epitome of stunning in her red dress and sleek black hair and flashing eyes. And yet--my eyes were riveted on Sean and Michael! As they walk past us, I fell in behind as close as I could without looking like an idiot.

I felt a tug at my elbow--my wife had clutched my arm and yanked me backward.

“Don’t abandon me like that--it’s rude!”

Well--oops. I did have a pretty good excuse. How often would I find myself standing next to Sean Connery and Michael Caine? (The answer to that is contained in the title to this story.)

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The two of us were starving. I elected to buy a large container of buttery popcorn. We stood rooted near the entrance, munching away as half of Hollywood's elite traipsed past us--staring at the popcorn with envious eyes, I might add.

What happened next, is just plain nuts.

Red-haired Rhonda Fleming (carefully preserved at the age of 60) marched up to my wife and with her flouncy out-of-date evening gown and teased hair confronting us directly with hands on hips.

Rhonda: “You aren’t allowed to eat down here during the ceremony.”

Terry: “Hi, Rhonda.”

Rhonda: “Did you hear me? Eating is unseemly.”

Terry: “What was that 3-D movie you were in 30 years ago? Those Redheads From Seattle ?”

Rhonda: “You’ve been warned!”

Terry: “Thanks for stopping by.”

No--I don’t have the slightest idea what THAT was all about or who died and made her Empress of the Premiere.

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In no time at all the signal was sounded for the throngs of worshippers and elite to take their seats. Bearing V.I.P. tickets we were shown to our seats. I almost died when I saw who was seated behind us: we were seated directly in front of Mr. and Mrs. Sean Connery and his best buddy, Michael Caine!!

I swear I just about lost it. I’m not a fanboy...not usually. I’ve seen or met plenty of actors and actresses. However--you have to cut me some slack here. This was JAMES BOND!

The lights dimmed. Cue the projector. We’re off to the movies!!

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About halfway through the film, I needed to pee. I mean BIG TIME!

I held it as long as I could--then arose and sauntered up to the aisle and out the door searching for a restroom. An usher was standing close by.

“Sir--the V.I.P. restroom is up to the stairs in the private room to the right.

Well awwww ri-i-i-i-ight!

I leaped like a gazelle upward on the stairs skipping two at a time until I found the private door.

I swung it open and found three lovely urinals lined up on the other side of a lavish gold and marble bathroom with subdued lighting.

I took my spot directly in the center urinal and reached for my zipper at just about the exact moment I heard the door behind me opening.

The voices of the 2 men who entered were absolutely unmistakable!

SEAN and MICHAEL!

Here I am, my plumbing in my hand, Sean Connery on my left and Michael Caine on my right--and they are CONVERSING with me in the center!

Not only could I NOT release the contents of my bladder...I was almost losing consciousness!

I haven’t a clue what either of them said to each other or how long I stood there producing nothing but memories!

Yet--there you have it--not only my brush with fame...but my flush with fame.

As Hollywood memories go--this may be my favorite!!

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(Dick Zimmerman created portraits for Tom Cruise, Michael Jackson's "Thriller", John Travolta and was personally commissioned by Salvador Dali to create his 50th wedding anniversary portrait with his wife, Gala)
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