TerryWalstrom

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Posts by TerryWalstrom

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  9

  In 1923 I Almost Died

  by TerryWalstrom in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  in 1923 i almost died.. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't even exist for another 44 years.. for a few seconds, on top a building, my grandfather stood with tears running down his cheeks and a small caliber pistol in his right hand.

  if he had pulled the trigger, not just one man--one very depressed and hopeless man--would die; he'd take with him the four children his wife would never carry, their children (including me) and so on.

  all of my children and grandchildren would never exist stretching off into the darkness of eternity itself.. it was on the way back from seagoville, near dallas, my grandfather told me about it the day he drove out to the prison where i was to be released on parole.____.

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  TerryWalstrom

  My mind woke me up this morning. This memory had awakened itself.
  A reminder! Once you have a thought like this it won't go away. It's that tune you can't get out of your head.
  The only way I found to deal with it was to write it down.
  It's very difficult to put sensible sentences in a row when you are half asleep.
  Hell, it's difficult any old time at all.
  We take for granted we're SUPPOSED TO BE here, but it's the most extraordinary luck. Impossible odds against us.
  When I look at it like that--we all start out as winners!
  The rest of our life is how we spend our "winnings."
  
  
• 
  9

  In 1923 I Almost Died

  by TerryWalstrom in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  in 1923 i almost died.. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't even exist for another 44 years.. for a few seconds, on top a building, my grandfather stood with tears running down his cheeks and a small caliber pistol in his right hand.

  if he had pulled the trigger, not just one man--one very depressed and hopeless man--would die; he'd take with him the four children his wife would never carry, their children (including me) and so on.

  all of my children and grandchildren would never exist stretching off into the darkness of eternity itself.. it was on the way back from seagoville, near dallas, my grandfather told me about it the day he drove out to the prison where i was to be released on parole.____.

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  TerryWalstrom

  Thank you!
  
  At first, I remember wrong. I was thinking my grandfather (I called him Paw-Paw) had said 1913, and that would leave a gap of 44 years until my birth. I tried to work it out in my head and it didn't match other events. That's when I realized, it was 1923. I failed to edit the span correctly before I posted.
  Amended, it should read:
  I wouldn't even exist for another 44 years.
  I wouldn't even exist for another 24 years.
  
  What is the saying? All writing is in the editing.
• 
  9

  In 1923 I Almost Died

  by TerryWalstrom in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  in 1923 i almost died.. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't even exist for another 44 years.. for a few seconds, on top a building, my grandfather stood with tears running down his cheeks and a small caliber pistol in his right hand.

  if he had pulled the trigger, not just one man--one very depressed and hopeless man--would die; he'd take with him the four children his wife would never carry, their children (including me) and so on.

  all of my children and grandchildren would never exist stretching off into the darkness of eternity itself.. it was on the way back from seagoville, near dallas, my grandfather told me about it the day he drove out to the prison where i was to be released on parole.____.

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  TerryWalstrom

  In 1923 I almost died.

  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't even exist for another 44 years.

  For a few seconds, on top a building, my Grandfather stood with tears running down his cheeks and a small caliber pistol in his right hand.

  If he had pulled the trigger, not just one man--one very depressed and hopeless man--would die; he'd take with him the four children his wife would never carry, their children (including me) and so on.

  All of my children and grandchildren would never exist stretching off into the darkness of eternity itself.

  It was on the way back from Seagoville, near Dallas, my grandfather told me about it the day he drove out to the prison where I was to be released on parole.
  ____

  "I was going to shoot myself in the head."

  I can still feel the strange dread in the pit of my stomach as he spoke. This was supposed to be the happiest day I'd ever lived. Freedom came in every breath of air in my lungs outside the prison gate. The sun was high and bright and my life returned to me for the first time in three years. Those were long years for a boy of 20. Very long. (1967-1969)

  All I could manage to speak was the one word, "Why?"

  "Your grandmother was going to leave me. She had met somebody else. I followed her. I saw. I knew. I climbed a ladder outside a dance hall and watched them. I climbed back down and bought a gun at the pawn shop and returned. I walked in and straight over to the table where they sat."
  _____

  I wasn't even alive yet and I had almost been extinguished in such a hideous, anonymous, helpless manner! How cruel is that? When I awoke this morning, this memory was fresh in my mind. For whatever reason--I can't begin to guess. I sat up in bed and exhaled slowly trying to shake it off.

  I got up and brewed a bitter cup of coffee in the semi-darkness, going over it in my head, replaying the memory obsessively. What is the old saying?
  'The Devil is in the details."
  ____

  My grandfather pulled into a barbecue stand where we used to go for lunch way back before prison had crashed into my life and all that was 'normal'.

  He had gone quiet for a while, lost in his own memories. I recall wondering if he was even aware he had said what he'd said out loud.

  For the first and only time, I bowed my head for a silent prayer before a meal in front of him. When I finally looked up, I could see he was embarrassed. Suddenly, so was I.

  We ate in silence and got back in the car. We'd be 'home' in another twenty minutes.

  I was often uncomfortable being in his presence.

  
  He was a man who carried secrets, never met my gaze, and sometimes gave in to tempestuous fits of anger. At other times, he was generous, fun-loving and upbeat. He was a climate unto himself. I learned early on to keep an eye out for brewing storm fronts.

  We rode along the turnpike between Dallas and Ft. Worth with our windows down in his 66 Ford Falcon. I had so many thoughts and emotions on my release day--I couldn't really put two thoughts together about my future. I stared at the OUTSIDE WORLD which was now MINE. Again.
  ____

  Presently, my grandfather continued.

  "I pulled the pistol out of my pocket and stood in front of them. Until that moment, I really had no plan--it was all anger and adrenaline. I cocked the weapon and found myself pointing it--not at HIM--but HER. I don't know what I said. I was in a fog. Sad, confused, desperate. I said whatever I said and walked out. I wandered around the French Quarter for about an hour. We were living in New Orleans at that time. Then, I climbed the fire escape to the top of a men's store called Maison Blanche. I needed to look out at the city at the world; at life itself a final time. At the top, I walked to the edge and looked down. That's when I saw it. I picked up a stray bit paper under my foot. I read it and decided to live. It was just an advertisement--a handbill that a breeze somehow had blown on top of a building."
  ____

  We were turning down the final few streets before the driveway of the house where, before prison, I'd spent 20 years of my life. I couldn't wait to see it and rush inside and experience the passionate thrill of security in my own home.

  As we turned into the long driveway, I saw my cat sitting alert on the front porch swing. His tail was snaking nervously at the car's approach. Did he know? Is that possible?

  We drove past the familiar trees I had climbed as a boy, the pecan tree, pear tree, and I could smell honeysuckle. The four o'clock flowers my grandmother planted all those years ago swept over me like a gust of perfumed happiness.

  This house, the yard smells, my cat, and the sweet life I'd left behind to serve the fearsome God Jehovah---it was all too much to bear! I began weeping uncontrollably.
  ___

  My grandfather pulled into the overhang of the garage and switched off the motor. He was lost in his own feelings of 'overwhelm' at that moment. Memory can be kind, or cruel, or punishing.
  ___

  "The handbill was an advertisement for Art School. I discovered in that frozen instant of time, the pause between life and death--I wanted to be an artist. I climbed back down the fire escape off the building and never again thought about what I'd almost done."
  ___

  I sat stunned.
  In the blink of an eye--the only reason I existed at all was that a handbill for Art School caught a suicidal man's eye before he shot himself. He found his dream between heaven and hell.

  That day was April 15, 1969, and I wouldn't completely understand what my grandfather told me for another 5 years, in June of 1974.

  It was to be the day I decided to leave this world--of Fort Worth and Jehovah's Witnesses--and start a new life in California--as an Artist.

  What strange mystery runs in our blood? I cannot say.

  Art is there. Art saved my life.

  TWICE.

  ___
  In 1923 I almost died. Holy shit!
  
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  4

  Must We Always See Heroes OR Villains?

  by TerryWalstrom in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  villains can be heroic.

  recite statistics of only the worst or exclusively the best of any person and a distorted conclusion is easy to reach.. __________.

  "by the end of his term, president ronald reagan's 138 administration officials had been convicted, had been indicted, or had been the subject of official investigations for official misconduct and/or criminal violations.".

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  TerryWalstrom
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  4

  Must We Always See Heroes OR Villains?

  by TerryWalstrom in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  villains can be heroic.

  recite statistics of only the worst or exclusively the best of any person and a distorted conclusion is easy to reach.. __________.

  "by the end of his term, president ronald reagan's 138 administration officials had been convicted, had been indicted, or had been the subject of official investigations for official misconduct and/or criminal violations.".

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  TerryWalstrom

  Perhaps I'm hyper-aware of a concerted effort afoot to renovate public POV about damned near everything.
  It's not up to a referendum, no. It's not up for a vote, no.
  It is a vigilante effort, a posse, a lynch mob.
  Well, good luck with that.
  "Be careful what you wish for...you just might get it."
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  4

  Must We Always See Heroes OR Villains?

  by TerryWalstrom in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  villains can be heroic.

  recite statistics of only the worst or exclusively the best of any person and a distorted conclusion is easy to reach.. __________.

  "by the end of his term, president ronald reagan's 138 administration officials had been convicted, had been indicted, or had been the subject of official investigations for official misconduct and/or criminal violations.".

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  TerryWalstrom

  HEROES can be Villains. Villains can be heroic. The historians have the last word because their slant is our only view very often. Recite statistics of only the worst or exclusively the best of any person and a distorted conclusion is easy to reach.

  __________

  "By the end of his term, President Ronald Reagan's 138 administration officials had been convicted, had been indicted, or had been the subject of official investigations for official misconduct and/or criminal violations."

  He is often cited as one of the best five Presidents.

  
  

  _____________

  Nelson Mandela, former President of South Africa, and Nobel Peace Prize Winner was, until 2008, officially considered a terrorist by the United States. During the Cold War, both the State and Defense departments dubbed Mandela’s political party, the African National Congress, a terrorist group, and Mandela’s name remained on the U.S. terrorism watch list till 2008.

  The C.I.A. tipped off government authorities where to locate Nelson Mandela. Mandela was imprisoned in 1964 after being arrested and charged with sabotage, specifically a campaign against the country's power grid, and plotting to overthrow the government.

  __________

  Charles Lindbergh was the first solo flyer to cross the Atlantic in 1927. He was celebrated like no other person of his era. Hero?

  Before you answer, read his words:

  In 1939, he wrote, “We can have peace and security only so long as we band together to preserve that most priceless possession, our inheritance of European blood, only so long as we guard ourselves against attack by foreign armies and dilution by foreign races.”

  P.S. He was big on Adolf Hitler.

  _______

  Benjamin Franklin: Hero and Founding Father? Certainly.

  He was also a pervert! Franklin would stand naked in the windows of his Paris home and expose himself to the women who would pass by. Further, he bragged about his sexual conquests of dozens of old ladies and advised his young fans about the advantages.

  _____

  Albert Einstein gave us theories of Relativity and Gravitation as well as the succinct equation for converting matter into energy E=mc2.

  He was, however, cruel and demanding of his 1st wife, Mileva, writing out for her his list of demands:

  that she always do his laundry and serve him three meals in his room, that she does not expect to travel with him or be seen with him in public unless necessary, that she does not expect an intimate relationship with him, and that she be obedient to him in front of their children--he forced her to abide by if she wished to remain married.

  _____

  Andrew Jackson: War hero, president, the reason why Florida belongs to the US, and the inspiration for today’s Democratic Party, Jackson did his fair share of good things.

  Except...

  This slave-owning president was almost singlehandedly responsible for the American policy of Indian removal, mainly of Native American tribes from the South, resulting in the Trail of Tears and the death of thousands of native peoples.

  ______

  Heroes and Villains can pretty much be summed up by the passage of time, the slant of historians supporting their image or denigrating them in their books.

  
  

  Abraham Lincoln was very much a man of his time. He was self-educated in youth and among the common people. During his presidency, he signed the Emancipation Proclamation, effectively freeing kidnapped African slaves from their captors.

  Does it matter what his personal views were? If it doesn't, he is a hero.

  If it does...read on.

  “I will say then that I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races, that I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white and black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality.” – 1858

  People are just people, neither ALL bad nor ALL good.

  Perhaps the real problem is our binary thinking: Either / Or.

  Why not, BOTH?
  
  

  Has RELIGIOUS indoctrinations given us the naive and one-sided binary view

  Of humanity requiring us to accept and praise / reject and damn our fellow human beings who step up as leaders?
  
  People are complicated.
  Do you want to be judge by your worst behavior? Only your best behavior?
  Do you wish to be regarded solely on the basis of the thoughts you have whether you act on them or not?
  If it suits our purpose to frame them one way or the other we tilt the scales this way or that. We easily fool ourselves by self-blindness and polarizing exercises of black and white thinking.

  
  
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  7

  ANECDOTE of the DAY (a Rabbi on God's slaying of humans)

  by TerryWalstrom in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  anecdote of the day.

  _________i spoke with a certain rabbi every morning for over a year and a half.we were at a starbucks along with a table filled with all sorts of fellows.

  they were mostly immigrants.

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  TerryWalstrom

  I'm glad I'm not a Rabbi.
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  7

  ANECDOTE of the DAY (a Rabbi on God's slaying of humans)

  by TerryWalstrom in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  anecdote of the day.

  _________i spoke with a certain rabbi every morning for over a year and a half.we were at a starbucks along with a table filled with all sorts of fellows.

  they were mostly immigrants.

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  TerryWalstrom

  Eisegesis and Exegesis are perhaps mankind's most under-rated talents. If only we could know which it is we are doing!
  I'm reminded of the potter who smashes the pot and reuses the clay.
  
  I'm not a Rabbi, but I have made up a silly joke.
  
  What happens when you invite a Rabbit to Tea?
  
  
  

  Rabbi + T = Rabbit
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  7

  ANECDOTE of the DAY (a Rabbi on God's slaying of humans)

  by TerryWalstrom in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  anecdote of the day.

  _________i spoke with a certain rabbi every morning for over a year and a half.we were at a starbucks along with a table filled with all sorts of fellows.

  they were mostly immigrants.

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  TerryWalstrom

  ANECDOTE of the DAY

  _________
  
  I spoke with a certain Rabbi every morning for over a year and a half.
  We were at a Starbucks along with a table filled with all sorts of fellows. They were mostly immigrants. Interesting people, one and all.

  This Rabbi was a particularly interesting guy.

  Conversations were never about religion. It was usually politics and world events.
  One time, however, the subject of God and His penchant for slaying people was passed around. Each person had an opinion.
  The Rabbi, in a very matter of fact tone, said something which almost made a lot of sense--compared with the other's opinions.

  He told us:
  "When I was a boy, I used to go over to my grandfather's art studio. He was a painter. His work was wonderful. He let me watch as long as I wanted. Sometimes he'd let me ask questions; sometimes he just wanted to work in silence. Anyway, he had a stack of older canvas paintings he had done in the corner. None of them was framed. I watched him pick one of them up and start a new painting right over the surface of the previous one! Since the previous image was quite wonderful to my eyes--I protested."

  "Why are you ruining it--I like it very much?"

  He stopped in mid stroke and turned to look at me with a surprised, unhappy expression on his face. I realized I should have stayed quiet.

  He regarded me for a long, long minute. Then, he took a deep breath and laid his brush down on the easel and walked over to where I stood and crouched down until his eyes were at the same level as mine.

  He looked directly at me and said with a kind voice:

  "Amateur painters keep everything they paint because they imagine what they are doing is always worth saving. Only the creator knows that; only he has the right to decide."
  Now then, when I became a Rabbi, I remembered my grandfather's words and I sometimes think I know what he meant; sometimes not--but, it's useful, I think, to apply those words to God."

  I repeat this story--not because it solves anything--but because from a certain point of view--it gives me a way of seeing a difficult question from a different light.

  Now, you as well.
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  23

  Leah Remini (Scientology expose' series) "May turn attention to Jehovah's Witnesses next"

  by TerryWalstrom in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-4935392/leah-remini-turn-attention-jehovah-s-witnesses.html.

  remini said that she was warned of the jehovah’s witnesses that 'these f----rs are super powerful,' but is not one to cower in fear.. 'are you ready for my response?

  'i don’t give a s--- about powerful.

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  TerryWalstrom

  Watchtower has corporate layering while Scientology is a personal empire. Checks and balances aren't in place for David Miscavige.
  He's a regular Joseph Stalin.
  The Watchtower has made it clear (in so many words) they'd be killing Apostates if the law weren't standing in their way.
  Miscavige is emboldened by having figured out how to defeat the I.R.S. and bureaucracy generally.
  Scientology went after individual employees rather than "the government" and the hundreds of individual lawsuits drove them nuts--they couldn't get anything done for all the court cases.
  
  Feed a wolf and you've got a problem.