Being raised as a JW I feel dirty even posting here. My life growing up was one filled with fear. Armageddon was preached to us day/night. Even thunderstorms scared me as I thought it was the end of the world. Around age 14 I stopped going to meetings. At 15 I was called before the elders. I was smoking. I was NOT baptized. They asked if I was returning to meetings and I replied 'Not right now" . They asked if I was going to quit smoking and I replied " I don't know, not right now". I was disassociated and it was announced publicly.Since I was never allowed "worldly " associations, it was traumatic when my witness friends shunned me in school. When I left home I was 16. I sought out all that was wicked since my witness mother all ready assured I felt dirty.
Over the years I have had to fight for my mother's affection. She surrounds herself with gossipers and liars. I am now 50 years old and my mother can rip my heart out and not take a fizz doing it. I always wondered where her hate for me stemmed from. Was it because she was pregnant with me when she became a JW and I did not grasp it? Is it because she refused to hold me at birth thinking I was not hers? Is it because I try to love her so hard and ask so little in return.
I have a sister who was disfellowshipped for falsely accusing our non witness father and our witness mother of sexual assualt. Her claims even went as far to say an abortion was preformed. Her claim was disproved when doctors stated her hymen was still in tact. Because she was mentally slow, they reinstated her pretty quickly. Since she is baptized, my mother forgave her and acted like it never happened. In the meantime, my father was suicidal and then took his first of many strokes.
I have a sister that is an apostate. She lies about everything and lives in her own made up world. My mother calls her "fluffy" and "exagerator". She will not call her a liar. Since she was once baptized my mother condones her lies and her actions. Afterall..............Jehovah is the only true judge.
I have a sister who is a drug addict. She committed adultry ending her marriage. My mother tiptoes around her as she is "unstable" . My mother loves her endlessly. She encourages her behavior.
I have 2 sisters still in the truth. One drinks way too much. She is the town gossip and has put a bad name on Witnesses. Her son was in an accident where a boy died and they paid big$$$$ to see he got off. You see, with JW's you never want your name or reputation to be marred. You are above the law. You don't need to adhere to "man made law" only Jehovah is the judge. My mother listens to her gossip and hatred, especially of me, because she is a Christian. The other sister is blind, lives at home. She thrives in stirring up shit and gossip. But again, she is a "Christian" as long as they beleive they are doing things right , that is all that matters.
I have a baby brother....................the king. He was the ultimate male they waited for as they had 6 daughters. He could tell my mother great twisted lies. She would bow to him and gracefully accept it as the truth. He likes to control those around him, but play puppet to those who wreak havoc in others lives. He is on a pedestal high on himself. Praise be to the son. I am sure my mother thought she had birthed the second coming.
Now there is me. I don't gossip. I avoid liars. I still carry with me the very things I was taught . I live my life to the best of my ability, but it does not have Jehovah in it.I choose my friends wisely. No adulterers. No addicts. No liars. So I am the evil one. I have no addictions. I have wonderful children that I love, but their grandmother treats them like acquaintances because they are not from her favorite daughters.
The only person I ever truly had was my father. He passed away in August of 2011. My mother did not even stand up for his last wishes. He wanted me to have his ashes, he wanted no service and no grave. Instead, since her other children wanted him buried, his ashes (minus a small amount I asked for ) were buried in a grave next to his mother who he had no relationship with. Why? Because he was not one of JW's so why the hell would his wishes be respected?
To say our family is dysfunctional doesn't even cover it. I blame it on the exposure to the truth. My mother, when I was small, loved Jehovah more than her own children. Now she surrounds herself with evil that disguises itself as Christian. She can lash out at me after being exposed to terrible gossip, but she will never take my side or defend me. My father was truly my best friend and she resented that too . I know how he felt about JW's . I know his regrets in letting Mom treat us like she did. We are dysfunctional to say the least . I sometimes wish she was the one who took the strokes and that she was the one who died. She utters the words "I love you" to me but in the same breath lets me know she could cut me out of her life in an instance. With my nephews accident my mother said that because I did not side with him, I betrayed the family. I listened to evidence. I watched him be charged. The charges were stayed, which in the JW mind means innocent.My mother said that mans judgement is nothing that only Jehovah can judge. So therefore, you can break the laws that are manmade, just not Gods???Confused yet?
Please tell me I am not alone in this . Are there others out there like me? Dysfunctional? Thank goodness I left home at 16. I have raised my children that they are loved endlessly. That they have to be respectable. That they have to obey the law. That they have to accept their own mistakes and own up to them. All the things I would think a loving God would want in a parent. Oh, but I also taught them to enjoy the beauty of a storm, not to fear.
