Wayne

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Posts by Wayne

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  3

  If Noah had to build an ark today he'd...

  by Wayne in

  1. social
  2. humour

  if noah had lived in the united states today the story may have gone something like this: .

  and the lord spoke to noah and said, "in one year, i am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.

  but i want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth.

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  Wayne

  how did he keep those two flys out of the spider webs?
• 
  3

  If Noah had to build an ark today he'd...

  by Wayne in

  1. social
  2. humour

  if noah had lived in the united states today the story may have gone something like this: .

  and the lord spoke to noah and said, "in one year, i am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.

  but i want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth.

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  Wayne

  He'd leave take a black fly swatter and mosquito repellant.
• 
  3

  If Noah had to build an ark today he'd...

  by Wayne in

  1. social
  2. humour

  if noah had lived in the united states today the story may have gone something like this: .

  and the lord spoke to noah and said, "in one year, i am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.

  but i want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth.

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• 

  Wayne

  If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:

  And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

  In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

  Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.

  "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

  "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

  First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
  Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

  Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls.

  However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.
  The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

  When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

  Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
  Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

  Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

  The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.

  And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.
  I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

  Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

  "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

  "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
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  5

  The advantages of aging.

  by Wayne in

  1. social
  2. humour

  advantages to getting older - part i.

  1) people get out of the way when you drive down the street.. 2) you don't have to study history; you saw it happen.. 3) foods you don't like taste like foods you do like.. 4) saying that you forgot is enough of an excuse.. 5) you will probably be among the first hostages released.. 6) you don't have to buy the extended warranty because you aresure you'll be dead before you could use it.. 7) your investment in health insurance is beginning to pay off.. 8) you can lie about your age without guilt now that you sometimes forget what it is.. 9) it's easier to pick you teeth.

  just remove them from your mouth and hold them up to the light.. 10)your secrets are safe because your friends can't remember them.. 11)you no longer have to waste money on things like sexy underwear, water skis, entrance fees for marathons and home pregnancy kits.. 12)your friends are too nearsighted to notice that you are not wearing makeup.. 13)things that you buy now will not wear out.. 14)you can watch for the obituaries of people you don't like.. 15)your spouse still snores, but you can't hear it.. 16)your joints are more accurate or predicting the weather than the weather channel.. 17)you are less and less likely to be subjected to a strip search.. 18)you can turn off your hearing aid when you've heard the joke before.. 19)you can't remember bush is president.. 20)you have less grey hairs to count because you have less hair.

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  Wayne

  52)You can save money because your back goes out more than you do.

  53)You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

  54)You are glad you bought that AAA compass for the dash of your car.

  55)You are proud of your lawn mower.

  56)You can date someone half your age and not break any laws.

  57) You are proud that you can sing along with the elevator music.

  58) Your car insurance premium drops because you no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

  59) When salespeople people call at 9 am your happy to wake up.

  60) Prunes exist!

  61) You no longer care that your ears are hairier than your head--hair is hair.

  62) When you have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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  5

  The advantages of aging.

  by Wayne in

  1. social
  2. humour

  advantages to getting older - part i.

  1) people get out of the way when you drive down the street.. 2) you don't have to study history; you saw it happen.. 3) foods you don't like taste like foods you do like.. 4) saying that you forgot is enough of an excuse.. 5) you will probably be among the first hostages released.. 6) you don't have to buy the extended warranty because you aresure you'll be dead before you could use it.. 7) your investment in health insurance is beginning to pay off.. 8) you can lie about your age without guilt now that you sometimes forget what it is.. 9) it's easier to pick you teeth.

  just remove them from your mouth and hold them up to the light.. 10)your secrets are safe because your friends can't remember them.. 11)you no longer have to waste money on things like sexy underwear, water skis, entrance fees for marathons and home pregnancy kits.. 12)your friends are too nearsighted to notice that you are not wearing makeup.. 13)things that you buy now will not wear out.. 14)you can watch for the obituaries of people you don't like.. 15)your spouse still snores, but you can't hear it.. 16)your joints are more accurate or predicting the weather than the weather channel.. 17)you are less and less likely to be subjected to a strip search.. 18)you can turn off your hearing aid when you've heard the joke before.. 19)you can't remember bush is president.. 20)you have less grey hairs to count because you have less hair.

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  Wayne

  Advantages of aging Part 3

  36) Your savings is safe--you forgot where you hid it.

  37) You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

  38) Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

  39) The girls at the office start confiding in you--as a father image.

  40) You can rest more--it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

  41) You don't have to watch your step, your too old to go anywhere.

  42) You don't have to worry about sinningag. I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

  43)You view Heaven as a family reunion where all of your loved ones are; and Hell is where the in laws went.

  44) Your doctor stops telling you to slow down.

  45) Temptation avoids you.

  46) Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

  47) You can't fall off of your rocker 'cause you can't get it started.

  48) Your no longer care that your wife gave up sex for Lent.

  49) You can wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't spend a nickel doing anything the night before.

  50) You can stop paying more for those green bananas--just in case.

  51) Last Will and Testament is shorter when your old and wise: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
• 
  5

  The advantages of aging.

  by Wayne in

  1. social
  2. humour

  advantages to getting older - part i.

  1) people get out of the way when you drive down the street.. 2) you don't have to study history; you saw it happen.. 3) foods you don't like taste like foods you do like.. 4) saying that you forgot is enough of an excuse.. 5) you will probably be among the first hostages released.. 6) you don't have to buy the extended warranty because you aresure you'll be dead before you could use it.. 7) your investment in health insurance is beginning to pay off.. 8) you can lie about your age without guilt now that you sometimes forget what it is.. 9) it's easier to pick you teeth.

  just remove them from your mouth and hold them up to the light.. 10)your secrets are safe because your friends can't remember them.. 11)you no longer have to waste money on things like sexy underwear, water skis, entrance fees for marathons and home pregnancy kits.. 12)your friends are too nearsighted to notice that you are not wearing makeup.. 13)things that you buy now will not wear out.. 14)you can watch for the obituaries of people you don't like.. 15)your spouse still snores, but you can't hear it.. 16)your joints are more accurate or predicting the weather than the weather channel.. 17)you are less and less likely to be subjected to a strip search.. 18)you can turn off your hearing aid when you've heard the joke before.. 19)you can't remember bush is president.. 20)you have less grey hairs to count because you have less hair.

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  Wayne

  nyank

  Feel free to keep the count rising--we'll all collaborate on the royalties of the book :)
• 
  5

  The advantages of aging.

  by Wayne in

  1. social
  2. humour

  advantages to getting older - part i.

  1) people get out of the way when you drive down the street.. 2) you don't have to study history; you saw it happen.. 3) foods you don't like taste like foods you do like.. 4) saying that you forgot is enough of an excuse.. 5) you will probably be among the first hostages released.. 6) you don't have to buy the extended warranty because you aresure you'll be dead before you could use it.. 7) your investment in health insurance is beginning to pay off.. 8) you can lie about your age without guilt now that you sometimes forget what it is.. 9) it's easier to pick you teeth.

  just remove them from your mouth and hold them up to the light.. 10)your secrets are safe because your friends can't remember them.. 11)you no longer have to waste money on things like sexy underwear, water skis, entrance fees for marathons and home pregnancy kits.. 12)your friends are too nearsighted to notice that you are not wearing makeup.. 13)things that you buy now will not wear out.. 14)you can watch for the obituaries of people you don't like.. 15)your spouse still snores, but you can't hear it.. 16)your joints are more accurate or predicting the weather than the weather channel.. 17)you are less and less likely to be subjected to a strip search.. 18)you can turn off your hearing aid when you've heard the joke before.. 19)you can't remember bush is president.. 20)you have less grey hairs to count because you have less hair.

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  Wayne

  Advantages to Getting Older - Part II

  21) You already own just the right thing to wear to that funeral.

  22) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

  23) Your grandchildren will be impressed that you lived in the twentieth century.

  24) You may qualify for bereavement rates on airlines. (bad one)

  25) You save on shampoo.

  26) On a sinking boat you will be saved with the women and children.

  27) Kidnappers and stalkers are not very interested in you.

  28) More and more people you hate are dead.

  29) If you were getting younger, everyone would hate you.

  30) Your arthritis makes it less likely that you will lose your wedding ring.

  31) You can correct others without fear of hearing being corrected yourself.

  32) You can throw away the Christmas decorations that your children made in kindergarten.

  33) One martini does the work of three.

  34) You no longer have to worry about the cost of Viagra--it doesn't help.

  35) If you wake up in the morning it's a good day regardless.
• 
  5

  The advantages of aging.

  by Wayne in

  1. social
  2. humour

  advantages to getting older - part i.

  1) people get out of the way when you drive down the street.. 2) you don't have to study history; you saw it happen.. 3) foods you don't like taste like foods you do like.. 4) saying that you forgot is enough of an excuse.. 5) you will probably be among the first hostages released.. 6) you don't have to buy the extended warranty because you aresure you'll be dead before you could use it.. 7) your investment in health insurance is beginning to pay off.. 8) you can lie about your age without guilt now that you sometimes forget what it is.. 9) it's easier to pick you teeth.

  just remove them from your mouth and hold them up to the light.. 10)your secrets are safe because your friends can't remember them.. 11)you no longer have to waste money on things like sexy underwear, water skis, entrance fees for marathons and home pregnancy kits.. 12)your friends are too nearsighted to notice that you are not wearing makeup.. 13)things that you buy now will not wear out.. 14)you can watch for the obituaries of people you don't like.. 15)your spouse still snores, but you can't hear it.. 16)your joints are more accurate or predicting the weather than the weather channel.. 17)you are less and less likely to be subjected to a strip search.. 18)you can turn off your hearing aid when you've heard the joke before.. 19)you can't remember bush is president.. 20)you have less grey hairs to count because you have less hair.

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• 

  Wayne

  Advantages to Getting Older - Part I

  1) People get out of the way when you drive down the street.

  2) You don't have to study history; you saw it happen.

  3) Foods you don't like taste like foods you do like.

  4) Saying that you forgot is enough of an excuse.

  5) You will probably be among the first hostages released.

  6) You don't have to buy the extended warranty because you aresure you'll be dead before you could use it.

  7) Your investment in health insurance is beginning to pay off.

  8) You can lie about your age without guilt now that you sometimes forget what it is.

  9) It's easier to pick you teeth. Just remove them from your mouth and hold them up to the light.

  10)Your secrets are safe because your friends can't remember them.

  11)You no longer have to waste money on things like sexy underwear, water skis, entrance fees for marathons and home pregnancy kits.

  12)Your friends are too nearsighted to notice that you are not wearing makeup.

  13)Things that you buy now will not wear out.

  14)You can watch for the obituaries of people you don't like.

  15)Your spouse still snores, but you can't hear it.

  16)Your joints are more accurate or predicting the weather than the Weather Channel.

  17)You are less and less likely to be subjected to a strip search.

  18)You can turn off your hearing aid when you've heard the joke before.

  19)You can't remember Bush is President.

  20)You have less grey hairs to count because you have less hair.
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  5

  A Play On THAT Word....

  by Englishman in

  1. social
  2. humour

  this is very distasteful for people who hate the f word.. i found it hilarious: http://www.yoshiwara.demon.co.uk/helen/humour/fuck.htm.

  englishman.

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  Wayne

  hmm--it must use a redirect. try this one

  http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/?

  good link
  enjoy
• 
  5

  A Play On THAT Word....

  by Englishman in

  1. social
  2. humour

  this is very distasteful for people who hate the f word.. i found it hilarious: http://www.yoshiwara.demon.co.uk/helen/humour/fuck.htm.

  englishman.

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  Wayne

  Let's try that link again

  http://www.j-mac.nms.unt.edu/Shakes/cgi (dead link)