thanx y'all..I just havent been very birthday ish lately...holidays are rough for me still...I think I just really wanted to have my parents say the words and I know that can never happen. Thanxz everybody though!
Posts by zanex
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11missed birthday...
by zanex inso like my bday was the other day..april 12th.
iam now 28...not that it means much or anything...i got an email from my elder dad telling me that he had traded in his honda for a harley and that him and mom were doing ok and that they still hoped that i would come back to the meetings.
hmph...birthdays.
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11
missed birthday...
by zanex inso like my bday was the other day..april 12th.
iam now 28...not that it means much or anything...i got an email from my elder dad telling me that he had traded in his honda for a harley and that him and mom were doing ok and that they still hoped that i would come back to the meetings.
hmph...birthdays.
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zanex
So like my bday was the other day..april 12th. Iam now 28...not that it means much or anything...I got an email from my elder dad telling me that he had traded in his honda for a harley and that him and mom were doing ok and that they still hoped that I would come back to the meetings. Hmph...birthdays. Got a card from my daughter which meant the most to me. I hate the fact that I have to TRY and convince myself that my birthday is something special. I relfexively think, "ehhh its just another day". It went ok tho. Anyway..didnt really have much to say...
it was my birthday the other day
I felt no different than before
the sun shined and the birds chirped
yet nothing changed in my emotional store
I didnt feel any more special
I didnt want any gifts
I just wanted to be accepted
no more emotional rifts
I got a cake..
it was visually gifted
it had candles, my name and flowers
I felt no better not at all lifted
I struggle to feel the inner glee
the feeling of "wow!"
it didnt come to me
not then and not now
I got a card from my daughter
smeared in her two year old hand
it was colorful, erratic and loving
it made me feel it was grand.
my birthday is over now
life has returned to its normal pace
no longer a special day
just another foot in life's race...
-z-
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81
Hello, I am Vivamus' Mum and new to the board
by Country_Woman ini am vivamus' mum, and i have heard so much about you, that i'd like to meet you all myself.
i joined the witnesses in 1998, but i have always doubted the organization, but not the faith.
i am still jehovah's witness, but i am sure that the elders will kick me out as soon as possible, should they know what my real thoughts about the organization are.
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zanex
Welcome to the truth...welcome to acceptance unconditionally...it grows on ya..
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108
ROLL CALL!!!!! How many people are on this forum?
by NaruNaruChan ini'm so curious!
if you see this, sign your name and your location if you want, cuz i wanna know how many people actively view this!
^_^
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zanex
zanex from central cali...
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12
confused
by free will ini'm a newbie who has recently admitted to myself that 'the truth' isn't the truth.
i'm struggling with my new found freedom.
i don't know what truths i should believe anymore.
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zanex
my best suggestion wud be to not focus on any type of spirituality at this point until you have had some time to cleanse yourself at least somewhat of the mental conditioning recieved from the organization. I came from 17 years of programming and when I got cut loose I went through multple stages of finding out who I was WITHOUT any type of spirituality or religious suggestion. I have now, 11 years later found that I am now beginning to achieve the smallest level of trust for ANY religous figures. It takes time. This is just MY two cents..take it for what it's worth...
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Freewriting
by zanex ini am just feeling somewhat poetic for some reason...bear with me.. i love my parents.
yet will never be there, be true.
there is a wall between us.
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zanex
Brummie: i read what you wrote...very very good. I like it a lot. I felt it...it is odd to make such a similar connection with someone that I have never met...jw's scar deep no matter who or what you came from. Hmmm kind of ironic that the mental lashing we all took as members of the borg became the uniting factor...;)
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Freewriting
by zanex ini am just feeling somewhat poetic for some reason...bear with me.. i love my parents.
yet will never be there, be true.
there is a wall between us.
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zanex
musky:thanx..things are ok I just get occasional reminders of how much I lost when I left the org. Even if it was only 3 people it just happened to be the most important 3 people of my life. Oh well...things are ok though I just had to get that off my chest. A gift? It's possible but I would gladly give it up to have those 3 people back. I will never have them back though and if this gift can help anyone else then it has been worth it.
kat_newmas: It is a story shared by all of us that have gone through the organization and gone out with family members left behind. I wonder if it is not the cruelest "truth" that we learn in the TROOF. ;)
brummie: yeah..it IS a learned behaviour..I just sometimes wish that I had never learned it. This has been very theraputic for me actually...I like this forum to express this type of sentiment on for I feel that I am actually hearing from people that can relate.
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Freewriting
by zanex ini am just feeling somewhat poetic for some reason...bear with me.. i love my parents.
yet will never be there, be true.
there is a wall between us.
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zanex
I am just feeling somewhat poetic for some reason...bear with me.
I love my parents
Yet will never be there, be true
there is a wall between us
something old, large and uncool
I love my dad
yet he will never see me as equal or right
there is a barrier that blocks us
there will NEVER be clear sight
I love my mom
yet will never feel her arms as they once felt
the feeling she HAD she HAS restraints upon
my faith in them melts
I love my sister
yet she follows my parents road
we have contact and talk about our work
no REAL emotion, she does as she is told
It is a hardship for me
and the end I cannot see
I have lost those most closest to me
for a "truth" that set me free...
I see my daughters face now...
I see the love and the emotion that I now grasp
I do envy her her parents
for the love that MY own parents had for me didnt last...
Sorry this is kinda down...been in touch with my parents lately and it never seems to fail that I feel worse when I am in contact with them. Oh well..no biggie....just had to get this out...
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6
Daughter's bday!
by zanex intmw is my little girls birthday!!!
me and her mom are gonna have a bday party for her tmw!
i am way stoked!
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zanex
the party went AWESOME! I think for the first time in my whole life I started to REALLY understand what birthdays were all about. I got LOTS of pix but I am still tryin to figure out how to hook up the digital camera to my gfriends puter to download em but promise as soon as I get it all done I will post the pix. The look on my daughters face after every box or present was just absolutely priceless. It was funny before she ever opened any of them she organized them into a nice little pile of presents that SHE had organized. It cracked me up. The ex was civil and suprisingly nice to my current gfriend-even gave her a hug after the party was done! All in all i think that it went very VERY well...I was EXHAUSTED. For a 3 hour birthday party and about 25 or so people it sure can wear a guy out. Who knew?! LOL Not me apparently. :)
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60
For the One I Cannot Name
by Robdar ini guess you know i love you.. but what i would really like to do right now.
is ravish you until you see god.. .
and there's no point in asking.
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zanex
me likes...someone made quite an impression on ya eh? (looks sideways to see if the judicial comittee read this one) lol