This Mother's Day is hard for me. I don't know why. Up until this year I was searching for the appropriate card that was not too sentimental because my mother, aside from being a JW(she was not a particularly 'good' JW growing up), was not an especially loving mother to me. I am still trying to figure it all out, and I may never get to the bottom of it all. She had a bad childhood, no mother herself and didn't even know who her father was. She was raised by a great aunt who also raised her mother(my grandmother)when HER mother died when she was only 5. So I am like third generation mother-less and my grandmother and aunt Tillie both died when I was still a young teenager. My mother was good when I was a toddler. I remember her playing with me and being very creative and imaginative. But as baby I was neglected, and by the time I was 4 she was pregnant with my sister-who was born handicapped, plus my mom had to deal with a schizo husband who cheated. So I kinda got left out of the family picture. It was not a bad thing. Just a lonely thing. So now my father is remarried to this absolute b!tch who is cruel and makes Cinderella's step-mother look like June Cleaver! But that does not matter to me either--I was in my 30's when all that happened. Maybe some of this is because the next Sunday after Mother's Day is my birthday--41. I am not doing the forties thing too well. I can't believe I am in my 40's now. I don't know what to do with it! I was never prepared for this! And I don't exactly have a mother I can ask about it. She is still distant. But she is going to be 75 June 5th and I don't know how many more Mother's days and Birthdays she will be around. Then there will be a whole new set of problems...my sister is handicapped and has two teen age boys who may or may not have mental problems, and I am the only one left to deal with all of it. Oh gosh...can I just run away for Mother's Day?
I got mom two cards this year. The pretty sparkly one that says things I really don't mean but looks nice that both me and husband sign, and then I got her one just from me. I picked up a couple of magazines she will like and I put it all in a big envelope to be sent off last monday...well husband forgot to send it and yesterday tells me that he didn't send it. I just lost it. I dissolved into tears and rage and screamed at him that it was important to me that they got there on time because I didn't know how many more Mother's Days I was going to have and he always had them-but I didn't! He went right out and sent the envelope over-night. But where did THAT come from? dang--think it is menopause? Geez--wish I had a mother to talk to about it. I am just a mess right now. Swirls of sarcasm and pain and I am not even sure why. So I will end this post and go wash my face.
This may sound awful, but ever since I was a child I wanted my mom to die so I would have a chance to have a mom, then it was in Paradise which was just around the corner, now it is so maybe when she is on the other side of all this confusion and pain that has been her life, maybe she can finally help me understand somethings. Uggg I don't know how I am going to get thru this week end with the in laws.
Ravyn
