Freeandclear,
I know this sounds trite, and I'm not meaning to minimize your present situation, but it really is a matter of perspective, isn't it.
You have chosen to dwell on the realization that there is no truth, no god, no paradise. It dominates your thoughts and controls your mood, your health, your life.
I suggest going to a counselor.
But you need to stop drinking now. If you don't you will have another problem to deal with, and it will make your present malaise even more profound.
Sometimes the way we respond to things is due to our DNA; sometimes it is due to our conditioning. Sometimes both. Whatever the root causes, you need to take a self assessment and realize that the balance sheet is extremely positive. There are many, many items or potential items in the column that represents life after the cult. There are very few items in the column that represents life in the cult, and if you have no family ties or none that would concern you if you lost them, that column is blank.
Either way you have nearly a blank slate to start over and experience life. A blank slate. Think about that and what it means. When I was in your situation, the very second i realized the DarkTower was nonsense I laughed at myself and felt a sense of relief.
My life was now my own, and I set my engines on warp factor 4 and never looked back. Your life is now your own. It will be what you want it to be, but you must stop anesthetizing yourself with alcohol and you need to talk to a therapist.
Good luck.
.