Posts by logansrun

Thank you for the kind remarks and advice. I know there's not a whole lot one can say in threads like this. The proverbial (((hugs))), the "join a club", that sorta thing. Yeah, that DOES help, but it sure is a lot easier, in my opinion, to talk about the inconsistencies of WT chronology than the deep pyschological abyss of the soul. I've had NO PROBLEM leaving the intellectual aspect of the JWs behind and have felt that way since before I even left. But the social, psychological and even physical ramifications are still with me two years later (it's my anniversary this week, actually).

I think many JWs actually can have a normal family life, or at least one that approaches normalcy. Mine was far more complicated than that. Every meeting found my childhood heart beating in anticipation for the next time my father would make a fool of himself by getting into some petty argument with an elder, brother, etc. And then the argument carried on the way home and continued till my mind finally fell asleep. Every few weeks there were major outbursts. My entire childhood -- from birth till the day my mother left my father when I was 19 -- was a constant walking on eggshells. Yet, my father (or mother or anyone else) never so much as laid a finger on me. For that I am grateful.

It was neglect. Terrible neglect. My family life was so dysfunctional that my sister got married at 18 (not untypical for a dub, of course). I, on the other hand, with a lack of direction and, for all intents and purposes, no father, POURED myself into my religion. In a way, the Society became my new parent. Unlike my biological ones, the Society did place a lot of goals before me. There were constant rewards. I played by all the rules and, I have to admit, shined. Pioneer at 18. Ministerial Servant at 19. Public talk at 20. I lost track of the number of circuit and district parts I had. Nevertheless I masturbated routinely and was the only single, pioneering, "spiritual" JW in the world to do engage in such "secret sins." Yeah, that's what I thought.

But that parent was dysfunctional too. Even while I was making all this "progress" I was torn. I wanted to go to college and become history teacher but all my mentors said not to go. This even included the district overseer. Oh, they didn't say, "don't go" but the pressure was there. My mother, who encouraged college to me, was "not being spiritual." Well, when pressures like that -- did I mention I thought God would kill me if I didn't do my utmost? -- what nervous, inexperienced 17 year old with utterly no self confidence is going to question that? And from the only source that was giving me praise? Shut THAT out? Come on.

There were always some doubts and at 23 I started to REALLY think about them. A year and a half later I left the Society along with the comforts of my friends, family and the esteem of an organization.

I find myself thinking of my past more often now. I've re-established contact with my father (who disassociated himself years ago) and feel I'm taking care of HIM more than the other way around. I've entered therapy and am going to see a doctor. Perhaps some drugs will help; they did before. I'm a big-picture person and have a tendency to see all my problems all at once. They seem like Everest. What's the song say, "I'm tired of living but I'm too scared of dying?" Perhaps things aren't quite that bad, yet.

Sorry folks for rambling. Things will get better, I know. I'm going to make some pancakes now and put a bacon smiley face on it.

bradley

67

My life has not been peachy

by logansrun in

jw
friends

.

it's been kinda rough in the mind for logansrun, dear folks.

if you've got a god now would be a good time to use him.

logansrun

Me? Think too much? Never!

You all are the nicest bunch of evil apostates I've ever run across.

67

My life has not been peachy

by logansrun in

jw
friends

.

it's been kinda rough in the mind for logansrun, dear folks.

if you've got a god now would be a good time to use him.

logansrun

steph (mind if I call you steph?),

You and I are the same person basically.

Like Jesus and God. I love it.

Everything you said is EXACTLY what I've been going through for the past 12 years or so.

Holy shit, you mean I've got ten more years to go???

Do you have any hobbies or interests?

I said I felt guilty about masturbating till I was 25. I'm 27 now.....j/k. My hobbies include books, martinis (by myself or with my all too MALE best friend), jogging and Chinese Noodles.

The only times I have been social and met new people after leaving the JWs was when I started a regional Tori Amos fan club. Since you live in Illinois, if you're a Tori Amos fan, you can join too! Or maybe you can find another local group that is into the same things you are into. It might be hard to walk into a new place and look at a bunch of new faces, but once you break the ice it is SO worth it.

Actually, I have no problem talking to people. I've been to the Buddhist Meet Up in Chicago and was basically the moderator at the table. I just don't see people on a continual basis. Plus, I'm hideous.

If you need any help finding or starting a social group in your area, let me know. I'll help as much as I can.

All kidding aside, that sounds cool. We should have an Illinois Apostafest one of these days. I know a couple people who might come.

Many Thanks,

Bradley

67

My life has not been peachy

by logansrun in

jw
friends

.

it's been kinda rough in the mind for logansrun, dear folks.

if you've got a god now would be a good time to use him.

logansrun

Ross,

As much as we disagree philosophically I always appreciate your kindly words. (I said "kindly"...you can take the boy out of the dubs but not....)

Meanwhile, tell me why you and Aztec haven't got it together....

Azzy's a great gal but I do believe our respective destinies lie elsewhere. You see, when I was born the Emperor knew too well that Vader's children would pose a threat. We were seperated at birth and my twin sister remains to this day safely anonymous.

B.

67

My life has not been peachy

by logansrun in

jw
friends

.

it's been kinda rough in the mind for logansrun, dear folks.

if you've got a god now would be a good time to use him.

logansrun

The frustrating thing about the whole thing is I KNOW what to do. I can intellectually grasp why my life currently sucks and what can be done to correct it. I could write a dag-nabbed article on that shit if I had to! But I just.......can't........do.

B

67

My life has not been peachy

by logansrun in

jw
friends

.

it's been kinda rough in the mind for logansrun, dear folks.

if you've got a god now would be a good time to use him.

logansrun

Just hand in there...

Trust me, it's in there...

B.