I am sorry you are suffering so much. It's taken time to get to where you are. It will take time to heal through all of this and won't be a quick fix.
There are several reasons anorexia develops, stemming from childhood sexual abuse to a need for control. The following may or many not apply to your situation.
One may often ask, “Why did I get an eating disorder?” What many don’t realize is that eating disorders are not random unfortunate occurrences but in fact have a purpose. In many instances, the eating disorder is symbolic of a difficulty in finding other more satiating ways to deal with important needs and emotional issues, some of which may not be accessible to awareness. As well, eating disordered clients typically will be resistant to giving up their eating disordered behaviour because they believe it makes them exceptional and unique, providing an identity when they are confused about their own. In this sense, the eating disorder serves as a mask while an individual attempts to figure out their own true identity and purpose in life, covering a true hunger for meaning about where one belongs. When individuals are ready to confront these underlying issues, they first need to recognize, confront and heal their eating disordered behaviours by re-feeding and slowly re-nourishing their mind. Working with a therapist aware of the role that an eating disorder plays in self-transformation, one is provided with the opportunity to learn how to feel ‘full’ in their mental and spiritual lives as well. It can be very scary for an individual to accept and acknowledge their spirituality, because it means confronting greater issues about death and the cycle of life. From this standpoint, an eating disorder is a transition point on a spiritual quest, serving as a catalyst to explore what one needs to feel fulfilled in their mind and spirit. As the following case study shows, the better question to ask is, “How can I learn and grow from my eating disorder?”
It has been widely noted across multiple psychological orientations, including Adlerian psychology, that one’s early developmental experiences play a critical role in how an individual forms internalized perceptions of the self and others. These early relationship experiences remain with us as we further develop into adulthood, and become the basis of the internal scripts that we use to guide our thoughts and behaviours in our daily lives, particularly in our interactions with others. For example, an individual who had self-critical and restricting parents would mistakenly learn from this relationship that she is constantly being judged and is inferior and undeserving. As we react in response to our environment, such a perception may be internalized, with the individual coming to believe that she is not worthwhile and does not deserve to feel “full,” and may aim to restrict herself in any way she can. This perspective will later be played out externally, fuelling maladaptive and destructive life goals, by being self-critical and engaging in restricting towards the self. Not only do such developmental experiences make one feel worthless and unloved, but also will likely precipitate eating disordered behaviour.http://www.newrealitiescan.com/articles/68-behind-the-veils-of-eating-disorders-a-connection-to-spirituality