Cab,
Wow, does this hit home with me! My husband and I decided early last year that we were not going to be JW's anymore. We were in turmoil about what to do though, should we DA ourselves so we didn't get DF if we were caught doing something we shouldn't? (like celebrate our kids birthdays, halloween, xmas, etc.) My parents live in the same town, and we are on a high-profile street in town, so anyone driving by our home could see if we had decorations up and such. We decided to just wait, we decorated for Xmas last year, and what do you know, the witnesses came by in service on a Saturday morning, looked through the window and saw all the twinkling lights and the tree and tried not to look shocked, but my husband and I knew it would only be a matter of time before the Elders wanted a visit with us. We went ahead and typed out our letters, because we knew that if we didn't we would be DF'd anyway. Too many people had seen what we were doing, and it was obvious that we were acting out a DF offense. When the elders came over, we told them we preferred not to DA ourselves, and just not go to meetings anymore. They said that if we continued to do holidays without any regrets that we would be DF'd anyway. So, we said ok, it's our choice, here's the letters.
My parents still talk to me, my mom much more than my dad. My dad only talks to me when he wants to come over for a free haircut, but we make the most of it and laugh and talk just like before, till the next time. I am lucky, my husbands parents don't talk to him at all unless they are calling about a family emergency or something. His father wouldn't come in our home the last time they stopped by either, he sat in the car, and his mom came in. His dad didn't "feel right" about being in the home of DA people. Like he would be plagued or something.
Ironically, our DA was announced on Christmas Day 2003.
You can't do both. We tried, and it didn't work. If we lived out in the country, or were new in town, and didn't know all the JW's in the area, maybe it could have been different, but it wasn't something we could hide, to spare us the loss of our family relationships. My husband and I actually are much happier now, don't hide anything, and have a freedom we never had before. It took a while, my husband is still struggling with certain feelings when we do things that are considered "wrong", but we are FREE and together. Sounds like you and your wife are supporting eachother's decision too. You are so fortunate that this is your case. So many others have to struggle with their spouse when they figure things out.
I wish you the best on your decisions. Just stay close to eachother, it won't be easy, but you will get through it. I don't post too much, but last year, when I starting going through hard emotions to deal with, this board was a great source of support.
--Redneckgurl (Krissy)
