what-now?
JoinedI found this web page about a year and a half ago. I posted a few times (same name, different spelling then--whatnow). I could be considered just a 'lurker' up 'til now. I've decided to join in again from time to time. I was raised in the 'troof' along with my sister, by good, devout JW parents. In fact I am 4th generation JW stock. As all good JW's--I married young. They say hind-sight is 20-20. I know now why I married so young...it was to get away from controlling parents. My new husband was a boy I met at school. He knew that I would never be allow to get near him unless he 'converted'. He did--much to my happiness [then]. He was sincere. He and I really tried to walk the witness path, but we were young and immature. I'd never been with anyone else and neither had he. (we married at 18 years old) We both got wandering eyes and ended up being on the carpet (or as we put it "in the back room with a formed committee". Our marriage survived a bit, but eventually my husband was disfellowshipped. I hung on(with him and in the truth) for a few more years but eventually the pressure to be a good witness was too much for the marriage. By now my husband was an alcoholic and I was co-dependent. We had two beautiful children that I continued to 'drag' to meetings. I met a man at work and married him. We had sex before marriage, I confessed (like a good little witness) and I was disfellowshipped (guess confessing doesn't really mean you were sorry--maybe they thought I was boasting? ha ha). After about a year I was re-instated but #2 husband (although studying for a while) wasn't really interested in the truth. We had a child together (that's 3 kids if you're keeping count) and the marriage started going south like the first one. He ended up being an alcoholic, too. See a pattern of co-dependency here? This time I started looking into why I am the way I am. Oh, did I forget to mention that I met another guy at work and began seeing him (near the end of the divorce)? I read (in publications completely separate from this website) that having dominating religious upbringing can create the same environment as an alcoholic household. THAT's why I was so drawn to alcoholics. That's why I was co-dependent. I kept thinking the religion was going to save me and fix everything. It never did. As I became involved with this third man in my life, I confessed ahhh-gain to my 'wonderfully supportive' (said tongue-in-cheek) elders, who were NEVER there to help me as I drug now three kids to meetings and in field service (actually I was down to two kids, one moved out and found religion elsewhere at 17 years old)--they pondered over my fate for a whole 20 minutes (no doubt praying the entire time--ha ha) and promptly announced they had decided to disfellowship me. I went to almost all of the meetings religously for months. I cut off my boyfriend [sexually] and was trying to do the right thing. I asked for a meeting to see if they would reinstate me and they gave me the lame excuse that I didn't attend ALL of the meetings. What kind of B.S. was that? Before that I was humble and actually WANTED to be reinstated so I could speak to my family again. This meeting was a turn around for me. I could suddenly see through the whole religion. These men were playing games with me. They were trying to put me in my 'place'. You see I'm an attractive, independent woman with a good job and an education. That is dangerous in the 'christian congregation'. They were intimidated by me and I could see that now. I walked out of there and thought "I'm done begging to belong to your little club." That was 2 years ago. I went back to meetings for a while, but on Sunday only. I went to the District convention last year and the year before that, but I have no plans to go this year. I have tapered down now with meeting attendance. I haven't been since the Memorial and maybe two times after that. My two kids (remaining at home) don't like to go. I even tried going to a different congregation (that my aunt, uncle, and [grown] cousin go to] but my kids were STILL ignored--after all, they were MY kids (no doubt under the same Satanic influence as me). I do, however, still see my boyfriend, but haven't married him yet (that's another long story). But I feel loved, and he never 'punishes' me by not speaking to me (ha ha). Sometimes when we go to dinner late, witnesses come by the same restaurant after the meeting--ruins our night out--all of those glaring stares. For the longest time I wondered "What Now?" (thus my posting name)What do I do now that I discovered I've been deceived all of my life? What do I believe now? I know I still believe in God. I think his name is Jehovah. He has a son--Jesus. He wants us to be happy but he doesn't really help us [miraculously] anymore (did he ever really?). We have to help each other and ourselves. I believe the Bible. I know that I sin everyday and fall short of the glory of God, but I know that He's far more forgiving than most of the humans that I know (especially His so-called "witnesses"). I know that it's wrong to turn your back on your family in favor of some man-made religion. I know that when my parents (who are getting older and confronting more and more health problems)need me for anything, I'm there for them--whether they want to talk to me or not. Funny side bar--My mother (age 62-prominent sister in the local congregation, "loved" by all) recently went into the hospital for 'female' surgery. She ended up having a hysterectomy. My dad had just had a heart related procedure and couldn't change his own bandages (in his groin area--artery to the heart). I went to the hospital and sat right there in the waiting room with a bunch of witnesses from her KH. Not one spoke to me (how dare they even if they wanted to, others were watching) except a few words (bare minimum) from my dad. Then I volunteered to change my dad's bandages for the next several days, while mom recovered. Daddy just acted normal--we spoke about mundane things--nothing heavy like 'what are you doing with your life?' or 'are you ever coming back to meetings?'. The point is I want to be there for them when they need me, even though they haven't helped me at all since I left the house 25 years ago. I want to be there because it is the *real* Christian thing to do. Not shunning your loved ones because they don't conform to the same 'standards' you do. Well, that's my rambling story. There's actually much much more to it, but this is how it came out. I'm not bitter toward the religion or my parents--I feel sorry for them. I wish I could help others to see the light, but like I learned in Al-anon--you can't change or control anyone else--only you and how you react to things. I still feel a spiritual void--don't you after being programed to eat, drink, sleep, and live a religion 24/7 for 35+ years? But I try to do what's right and I have a much more open mind toward other beliefs and other people's personalities. I try to help everyone I can. I am sunny and try to be kind and non-judgmental to everyone I meet. But I am still looking for my place in life and wondering...what now?