Part 1: – Breaking Ground with Crisis of Conscience
While attending the District Convention at the COW Palace in San Francisco, the JW man who had brought me into the religion, told me that Ray Franz had resigned from the Governing Body, and several were Disfellowshipped from Bethel in a major cleaning out of Apostates. I was shocked, and asked why Ray Franz would resign. The only thing he offered was speculation that Apostates had slipped in and were trying to corrupt the organization with false teachings. That some at Bethel had become proud, arrogant, and wanted to be followed ... and Jehovah put a stop to them.
Months later, I was stunned as a JW man use the opportunity at the end of the Watchtower Study to make the announcement from his seat that Ray Franz was Disfellowshipped. This sent the congregation into a buzz of discussions. I did not participate in these because I knew so little about him or what had happened – but I listened in to see what it was all about. I privately wondered what was going on, and why it was happening.
Then sometime later a Time magazine article was released which discussed what happened with Ray Franz. In a subsequent issue, I also saw a letter from Ray Franz where he clarified some aspects of the original story.
This whole saga peeked my interest as to why a life-long JW, and member of the Governing Body, would end up resigning, and then leave the religion. I forget exactly when, but subsequent to this, I saw something about Ray publishing a book called Crisis of Conscience. I wanted that book. I had to know why he left and I had to know what he had to say. I searched for the book high and low in various book stores. I even sneaked into Christian book stores to see if they had a copy. I watched book ads in magazines, newspapers, and other locations. Crisis of Conscience was no where to be found. I wondered if I had the title wrong, or if maybe its release was just unfounded rumor.
Close to the Summer of 1989, I had moved to Portland, Oregon from the San Francisco Bay Area through a job assignment. I did not know anyone but a handful of fellow engineers ... and in the mix of office personnel was a JW man who worked as a draftsman-designer. He and I hit it off well, but our schedules were not the same, so we did not socialize much. With my family in transition, I had loads of time ... so, I walked around town a lot on my long lunch breaks ... and one day ... I extended my walk for some reason ... and ended up in front of the Public Library.
I walked in and went to the religious section. I like to see what sort of reference works and history are available on religion. I was not even thinking about Ray Franz ... but I enjoy reading and books ... and libraries are like holy sanctuaries to me ... as I wandered through glancing at book titles, I saw one book by Jim Penton where he defended the JWs legal stand in Canada. This book was written before Penton left the JWs. I was glancing through his book, when I suddenly had the thought that maybe I might find the book by Ray Franz. I still wondered if maybe I had the title wrong, and that maybe this was why I did not find it. So, I went back to the catalogue card section and looked up Ray Franz under “Authors.” There it was ... Raymond V. Franz, Crisis of Conscience! - 1981
I noted the book number and raced back to the religious section. I traced quickly ... and suddenly found my fingers right next to the dark gray book with red lettering ... I stopped. I just looked at it ... it felt strange to see this book by a man who was now known as the top JW Apostate in the world. I started to reach for the book and stopped my hand short of touching it ... something in my conscience said that this was dangerous ... and that if I am seen with it, it could spell trouble ... I looked up and down the aisle to make sure that no one was watching. I even looked up at the ceiling corners to see if there were cameras – as though the librarian clerks could care what I read. I looked back at the book, and for a brief moment my heart raced, like I was about to cross into no-mans land ... into a zone of no return ... and I wondered if this is what I really wanted to do.
I then said to myself, “Is this what being a JW has brought me to?” ...”That I would be afraid of reading a book critical of my beliefs?” ... “If I have the Truth, it must be able to withstand anything false ... and I have to know why this Franz fellow left the Truth.” So, in an instant, I grabbed the book, and went to a table and started reading ... looking around every now and then to see if anyone like the JW man from work might see me. I had never really known such “paranoia” before and didn’t even understand why it was happening to me. As I read on, I lost track of time ... and the lunch hour ended. I was going to be late getting back to work ... so, I put the book back and decided to return the next day.
This went on for a couple of days, each time making sure the JW man did not happen to see me leaving the building, and watching over my shoulder as I walked fast to the library. I also noticed that my bookmarker was missing. I realized that the weekend was approaching, and I needed to read more ... and did not want to wait until Monday. So, as I was reading, I stopped to look inside the front cover to see if my name would be there if I checked it out. To my amazement, I saw that the book had a full check-out record dating back every week for the last two years. Could this many non-JWs be reading this book? Or were they JWs looking, searching, as I was? So, on Friday I took the book with me to make sure that it would not be taken by anyone else. I applied for a Library card.
I stepped up to the Section window to ask if they had any more copies. The lady there went and checked and came back with an interesting comment. She said that I was lucky to find this book available, as it is one of the most checked out books in the library. She noted that it was just recently checked-in a day earlier. I told her I had been reading it in the Library the last two days. She said that the copy I was reading was checked out, and that the one in my hand was just checked in the afternoon of the previous day. That made sense, because my bookmarker was gone. She went on to say that they had several copies, and all but this one was checked out. Thankfully she did not ask if I was a JW, and I did not dare volunteer that information. She placed the book in a Library bag, and I proceeded on to the check-out window ... thank God ... and I felt a sense of ease as I left.
I took the book to work to finish reading it. It was hard to concentrate on my work knowing “IT” was in my briefcase. But every hour or so, I would stop, sit back, open my briefcase on my lap, and read a paragraph or two. Near the end of the day, as I had just started to read again before leaving, the JW man stepped into my office – “Hi there Amazing!” Yikes!!! ... I slowly closed my briefcase in an effort to not draw attention ... and reacted happy to see this man.
He asked the fatal question ... “What are you reading?” I just stared ... and he said, “that book inside your briefcase ... what is it?” I felt like the earth was going to split in half ... how do I answer this man? I quickly said, “Oh, it is some personal research I am doing ... I will tell you more when I am done.” Just then the Engineering Dept. Manager stepped in to ask about a file I was working on ... and I was relieved at the distraction. My JW friend let the subject drop, and said he was leaving for home, and asked about lunch together on Monday ... to which I politely agreed ... but I felt sick that it might interfere with my reading, but I did not want to raise any concerns with him.
Over the weekend, I took the book home ... and whenever my family was out of sight ... I found myself in the bathroom, garage, or backyard – briefcase and all – reading, reading, and more reading ... I could not put the book down ... I read slowly to digest every word, paragraph and page. Sometimes, I would look up references Franz cited ... and sometimes would read a whole section again to make sure I was really seeing what I was reading ... it was unbelievable ... I was in shock ... this man was not any kind of an Apostate ... no ... he was genuine, believable, and on target ... what he said captured what I had been thinking and feeling ... and it was most validating to see that such a man so well placed in the organization of Jehovah’s Witnesses to be saying these things.
What impressed me most: The events at Bethel that led up to Ray Franz’s resignation and subsequent disfellowshipping, the 1975 issue, the Malawi-Mexico double standard, and the cavalier attitude the Governing Body had toward dates, shifting a date from “one shoulder to the other” as Franz noted. I think the most serious doctrinal issue was how the WTS arrived at the date: 1914, and how this was really a false prophecy that was covered over. Then, the fact that not all members of the Governing Body believed in the date 1914, but if a Rank & File JW disputed the date or did not accept it, he could be disfellowshipped for apostasy.
The factual understanding that Ray Franz brought to the open was very upsetting to me. It was relieving and crushing all at the same time ... like my soul was being ripped in half. At times, I found myself laughing and then crying – I even vomited once – For the next two weeks, I was shaken with bouts of depression. But somehow, maybe because I was stunned, I really don’t know, I just did not know what to do, or how to do it.
I finished the book by that Sunday ... all under a cloak of secrecy. I kept my Monday lunch with my JW friend ... and ... I kept my mouth shut. As each minute went by while we talked and ate, and then walked around, I dreaded the question again of what I was reading. It was the longest Monday – like a time warp had turned minutes into hours ... luckily, he did not bring up the subject. I decided that I could not have such literature around work, and that I would let this fade away.
A letter to Franz: I decided to keep the book long enough to read some parts again ... and then to note the address of Commentary Press. I wrote a letter to Ray’s wife, Cynthia ... because, I had several things to say and ask, but I did not want to be accused of directly associating with a Disfellowshipped person by letter. Oddly enough, I rationalized away associating with an apostate via reading his book. But, I could hide that little fact ... I could not hide a letter in the event it got out of my control. Since Cynthia was not DF’d, it seemed like a safe bet to write to her. If I got caught, at least I could spin the situation into the Neutral Zone.
I opened my office mail box a couple of weeks later, and there was a letter with the Commentary Press return address. It was cut short so that the name of the sender was gone. I knew that whoever wrote back was being careful and considerate to avoid any chance that I might get caught. I looked around again, then snatched the letter up and went right back to my desk. I immediately opened it ... and saw that it was written by Ray Franz. I wondered in embarrassment if he thought I was an idiot writing to his wife ... like a little chicken, to afraid to talk to him directly – but somehow, I felt he must had understood. As Ray opened up his first paragraph, he was very kind and understanding, and responded to all my questions and gave his reasons for his views. He was straightforward, but very fair and kind in his remarks. I must have read his letter several times ... and could only pray that I was really doing the right thing ... and not being sucked into some apostate vacuum.
While I kept this from my family in general, I eventually told my wife I read his book. Her reaction was like mine, we could not see where else to go ... yet she did not see what good such a book could do, so fearing anything more getting back to the elders, I let the subject die. I was still afraid to pursue it with her ... and did not want to rock the boat ... yet. I continued to go to meetings and participated as any JW with talks, parts, assemblies, etc. But somehow, it all seemed very different ... and I was not the same ... and never would be again.
By July of 1989 our Engineering office had move out to the plant. So, I was now making a long commute each day. We spotted a house closer to the plant ... and moved there in December. We got involved in a new congregation ... and all my attention was focused on getting settled in and adjusted to our new environment. In the back of my mind, I knew the religion had serious problems ... I could not escape what I had read and pondered ... yet, I still went to meetings, and somehow still felt I should try and believe that it was still the best game in town – compared to Christendom that is.
I truly appreciated all that I read. Yet, it would prove to be only the first of several milestones in the whole exit experience. For the foreseeable future, however, continuing on as JWs, all the while knowing what I knew from reading, no I should say “devouring” Crisis of Conscience, created in me serious angst, at times almost overwhelming internal battle. Many times I would recall Franz’s words near the end of his book ... about how he felt he needed to go to the end, “to the wall” with the religion, before the moment of his final decision. I too was not there yet ... but the heat from the ashes of having my first round of critical exposure to the Watch Tower Society would keep smoldering, intensifying, never going away ... and, all the while, I could not leave it, not yet ... I was torn between two worlds. – To be continued ...