For me, the walls of the watchtower were not destroyed by a single giant cannon-ball but rather every brick had been weakened and suddenly the whole thing just 'collapsed'.
I've alwys been an avid reader and a firm believer that you can learn anything and everything from a good book. Anyway, I was reading a bad book, the creation book, and this time things were different.
Normally, the mere thought that the WTS could "not be right" could not even be contemplated. It was like you can't even comprehend the concept or understand the question, least of all imagine it.
Yet now, I read the book and things were screaming at me from the pages. "Australepithecus was a branch of the human species that died out". Uh? How did that fit in with adam and eve? I read things that Darwin apparently said and yet, when I looked them up, he said something different. I looked up more and more and every time it was twisted and bogus. "Experts" were quoted ... but not experts in the field being discussed - astronomers commenting on geology or vice-vera and every time, the recognised opinion dismissed to make way for some loon who was never quoted in full ... just enough to give some weight to the WTS opinion.
Being a techie, I was on the web and started to search for stuff about the WTS online. This was scary stuff. The information and 'evil' people that the WTS warned me about.
They were right. I found everything that confirmed to me that there were bitter enemies of the WTS who would lie and twist every little thing to make them look bad.
BUT ...
I also found some reasonable sites such as Freeminds that were not written with bitter intent but provided the information and some commentary and explanation - and hell ... these people had been in Bethel !
I read more and more and started to question more about the WTS teachings. I even ordered some books to read.
Of course, Angharad did what any good witness wife should do ... she called the elders !
I don't blame her and, in fact, it turned out the be the best thing she could have done.
Up until then things were getting pretty strained. Unbeknownst to me she was looking on the computer at the sites I was looking at and was worried that I was being 'misled and deceived by these evil apostates'. A shepherding call would straighten me out ...
And so two elders come round, bible in hand, and were going to answer my questions. One was an older, sincere brother and the other was the 'newly appointed' elder who had campaigned to be 'elected' by sucking up to the elders like you have never seen ... my brother in law!
They answered nothing.
Not only did they fail to answer things, they ended up on the defensive as I asked question after question. It became quite surreal. They ended up not trying to answer my questions but simply to ignore them ! At one point I started laughing and waving my hands saying "Hello ... am I really here?!". It was pitiful. These were supposed to be people I looked up to and who had answers and they were pathetic little men in cheap suits. I could see them for what they were.
Before they had come, Angharad was convinced I was wrong and we argued about it. After they left she was on my side.
Before they had left they resorted to threats ... "don't tell anyone else about this stuff or else ... you don't want to lose your friends and family do you?"
And so, with questions spinning round my head, I started a web site ... I was gonna tell EVERYONE!
Although, I realised, telling everyone it wasn't the truth would not convince anyone because no one would listen. To be honest, I still wasn't totally convinced myself so when JWD launched I was not sure which way I was going to go. I guess you know now !
Unfortunately, I found out I had belonged to an incredibly malicious organisation and they were not just going to let me leave. They had to try and hurt us. My brother in law (newly appointed elder) made it his mission to have us DF'd. After the elders visit he'd spread rumours about us that we were apostates and told people they shouldn't speak to us as well as what had been discussed in the shepherding call (but some *real* friends warned us).
Here was someone who was totaly unsuitable for the position and was on a power trip. He liked the authority and he didn't like me because I was never impressed by him. Some examples of how pathetic he was: when his son was playing a playstation game I jokingly remarked that it was very violent for christians and possibly untheocratic (very tongue in cheek). He starts shouting "xxx you shouldn't have a game like that in the house!!". Kids, don't-cha just love 'em? His son replied with a puzzled expression "but dad, YOU bought it for us?!". Some of his hypocrisy was less funny. When we were going out and he was a minesterial servant he tried to council us on 'proper conduct'. The irony was that we were 80 miles apart at the supposed time and this was coming from someone who had been cought banging my sister (strange, that seems to have been covered up!)
So, he would turn up knocking at our front door and the first thing he'd say when I opened it was "do you accept that the governing body is god's representatives on earth?". "None of your business" I told him. He didn't like that his new found authority didn't carry much weight so demanded that I had to answer him. I told him I knew all about the stuff in the elders manual and slammed the door. Grrr
All this time I was still attending meetings although I'd look for excuses not to go and when we went, I'd do anything but listen to it all. One time I had taken my latest tech-toy, a PocketC, and been playing with that. Dork brain who had been reading the watchtower stormed up to me after the meeting saying sure to tell me he had noticed that I hadn't paid attentino and had been playing computer games.
"Oh no" I replied (in best fake righteous voice), "I was reading WTS literature - look ..."
I showed him the screen with "Shepherding the flock" (the elders manual) that I'd copied to it and watched as his face went read and he spluttered how I shouldn't have a copy of that. I told him I had the branch manual as well if he wanted to read it and left.
Of course he tried other approaches too. Pretending to be friendly. Saying that even if we wanted to leave, we'd still be family. He offered to answer any questions I had ... if I put it in writing. Suggested I wrote to the society etc... yeah, right!
I tried to explain and argue things with my sisters and mother but really their minds were closed. I was trying to reason with my sister and she showed the level that they were controlled by saying "even if you did have proof it wasn't the truth, I wouldn't want to read it". Things became more and more strained with them. I was not invited to familly get-togethers and my mother would not believe any of the things I said though I knew from her face she knew her defence was hollow.
Only my "little brother" (now leaving school) was ok with us and thankfully I'd been able to give him things to read - a book of all the information I'd collated. Thankfully he never got baptised and went to university instead. He's a great brother and I can't remember ever even arguing about anything. Whenever he comes round we just end up laughing about everything.
Just to complicate things, we were having another baby! (talk about stress !!)
By this time Angharad had found out they her family had a blood disorder that affected blood clotting (she had bled after a C-section for our first who was breeched). We were asked by the consultant to go in and see her and she started to explain how she respected our views and would go along with things but ... needed to discuss alternative treatments etc...
Our hospital notes still said "Jehovahs witnesses, no blood".
"Whoah ... we don't believe that anymore" we told her. She breathed a heavy sigh and told us how relieved she was and that though she would have abided by our decision, it was a very big risk!. It sent a cold shiver down my spine thinking that I could have risked my wife and my child over the WTS ever shifting bullshit. It doesn't even qualify to be called a doctrine or a belief as it's nothing but rubbish.
Our second child was born after a lot of effort (can you believe I had to stand up through it all? 25 hours !! My feet were killing me but she got to lie down) and two weeks early. He was very small but 'born hungry' and is now a robust little thing.
Between the two kids being born though, I heard my dad had been re-instated. I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. I was wanting to get back in touch with him and now, with me on my way out, I didn't know how he'd feel.
Next: Back in touch with my dad. Marked and DA'd. The JW Secret Service and more on JWD