My good friend has a daughter who will soon be turning 18. My friend was raised and now is a dfjw. She is nearly certain her daughter will quit speaking to her as did her other daughter several years prior. She has been dfjw for 10 years and has no intentions of returning. Her ex husband and father are still jws. The thought of her second daughter never speaking to her again is too much for her to handle. She says she will never be able to be updated about her oldest when the younger one quits speaking. I am not nor have I ever been a jw but listening to her story makes me discusted and sick for her toward these people. My friend says she raised her girls to be good jws and that she was a great teacher, so there is really nothing that will convince them otherwise. Her only hope is to keep some form of communication open. Anyone out there had a similar situation with some success? Any ideas?
Soon to be 18 and quit speaking to her mother- suggestions?
by Sanysfriend 95 Replies latest members private
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jgnat
It's the all-or-nothing thinking that will drive your friend nuts. I suggest she read Steve Hassan's latest book, "Freedom of Mind" to learn how to approach her daughter and her natural personality. But this all takes time and this poor woman doesn't have much time left.
Another thought is she might attend her daughter's Kingdom Hall on occassion, though as DF'd she would not be allowed to speak.
Yet another thought is to prepare a small gift or card on an annual anniversary and keep it in a box for safekeeping, for when they are reunited. It will be evidence of enduring love and give this woman some hope for the future.
And my final thought is she might get some comfort unloading here. Heaven knows there's enough ex-JW's here who have suffered every range of shunning.
You never know. Every child is different and this girl might break free from the programming.
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Finkelstein
Sad, really criminal in intent.
The sickening dangers of religious cults.
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ABibleStudent
Welcome Sanysfriend , I'm sorry about your friend being such a good indoctrinator of her JW daugthers.
DITTO what jgnat wrote about suggesting to your friend to read Steve Hassan's books (i.e., "Combatting Cult Mind Control", "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves", and "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones to Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs"), visiting his website www.freedomofmind.com, and watching his FREE videos on his website. Send your friend the following link and see how she feels about Steve Hassan's Methods: Strategic Interactive Approach explained 2003 (1:23:23). If your friend learns nothing more than JWs have a cult persona and authentic persona, and how to encourage the authentic persona to overcome a JW's cult persona, your friend will at least gain some hope in her predicament
If your friend is financially secure, I would recommend that she contact a good cult-exit counselor (such as Steve Hassan) to help her plan a long-term strategy to help her daughters to critically think for themselves and to vent her frustrations.
About the only thing that your friend can do now is show her daughters unconditional love, start a FB page showing what she is doing and how much she loves her daughters, invite her daughters to do fun activities where they might meet non-JWs who they share common interests, send her daughters e-mails and post-cards about her enjoying life, encourage your friend to join JWN to vent about her frustrations as well as to ask more detailed questions about helping her daugthers, and research the history and flip-flops of the WTBTS by visit websites like www.jwfacts.com, www.watchtowerdocuments.com, www.freeminds2.org, www.jwsurvey.org, ect.
Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,
Robert
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Sanysfriend
Hi there,
Actually I am Sany :)......as my boyfriend stated I was raised as JW and my father was the presiding overseer and my husband at the time is and was an elder. I studied with a young lady down the street who ironically became my best friend and then my ex husbands wife 3 months after the divorce. I myself was a pioneer until I had my oldest daughter.
With that being said my real issue is that my oldest daughter is 22 and has not spoke to me since the day she turned 18. I have mailed cards to her only to have them returned. I was not invited to her wedding but snuck in anyway. I continued to have a relationship up until the day she left....just cut me off like that. I found out her phone number from my son who is ten and never a JW and I send her a text about once a month just to tell her I love her unconditionally and always here with open arms. But, I have never received a reply.
Her younger sister is more free spiritied and 4 1/2 years younger. We have enjoyed our time together but she does live with her father due to wanting to be a JW. I myself was a pioneer and did all I could to instill the "truth" in my daughters hearts so it would truly stick!! Talk about being sick now about being such a profound teacher and then learning it was all a farce!!! I tried in the days prior to her leaving to bring up basic reasons as to why the JW's do not have the "truth" but she just simply would shut her mind off to it....I am sure reinforcing her view that I am a true apostate and Satan's test on her to prove to Jehovah her true faith.....oops sorry I think I puke in my mouth it all makes me sooo sick!!! The pain is immense but having these last few years with my younger daughter she would tell me she would never shut me out as her older sister did.
The day she turns 18 is January 29th and she recently told me that she too will follow that path and cut me off. I am devestated beyound belief. I remember even telling them when they were small that if Daddy or I ever got DF for some reason to always stay faithful and that we would come back to them!!! How do I undo words that they obviously took to heart? How do I prove to them that I will NOT ever be a JW because the truth is not in them!!! How do I help her see that what she is doing is controlled thought through the WTS? I can't do this again and will never know if either of my daughters are ok now. My family is small but what I do have is all JW and does not speak to me.
They are not on facebook but my younger daughter I know is at least on instagram. I asked to friend her but she would not let me. I have become friends with several ex jw's in my area but most is not all of them still have at least their kids in their lives and enjoying life moments and events with them. I am just sick I have missed graduations, my oldest wedding and so many other memorable moments that a mother cherishes....they can never be replaced either but I could at least have future moments if only I can somehow reach them. I don't think I will ever be able to reach my older one and my younger one would be too afraid of losing everyone she knows. They were both home schooled and I am literally the only "worldly" person that they would even have to come to if they left other than their baby brother.
I am sorry for being so emotional and making this so long....the loss is just ripping my heart out daily and I don't know what to do about it. I am thankful to have a very loving and understanding man that cares enough to reach out to you all in order to help me find some help or at least maybe some peace.
Thank you
For listening
Sanyand3
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jgnat
I bet your boyfriend is horrified.
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Sanysfriend
Yes he really is....so hard for anyone to actually understand the depth of wrong the JW's heap on the individuals they prey on!!! I feel bad for him because he wants to fix it so bad.....but it is not something he can just fix even if I wish he could. At this point if I could just get Sierra to at least speak to me occassionally, even by text that would be something of comfort!!!
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zeb
When Jesus walked through the markets did he cut certain ones off? No he spoke to any and every one. So soon to be 18 and know it all eh? These young ones at this age have never faced some of lifes big ones.
Unemployment, eviction, severe sickness, accident and being raised as good jw never had any heartbreak or passion to deal with or giving birth (!) or raising children.
Or is it daughter has her beedy eyes on some spotty faced youth as husband to be? It has been my long observation that jw youth are frquently to be seen 2 years or more behind in social development than their wordly peers.
When life throws its big ones their way they will realize how weak is the structure they hold too that it is extremely limited in its scope and ability to give useful support and just how much they need real loving useful people about them. When the window washing husbands they pick/ grab are unable to supply the goodies they have been used too they will face the standard traumas we all do and do some severe budgeting. They will then be faced having to drop pioneering get a job or go to night school and cop the tsk tsk tsk from the self righteous class.
Please advise them that shunning is a two way street. You abandon me and cant even converse then dont come crying to me when disaster strikes go to Jehovah and the congregation. SF: its called tough love.
There is some caring loving help offered here by Jgnat etal please take it to heart.
and my heart breaks for you.
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PaintedToeNail
First, welcome. Second, I'm so sorry you are in this position. There is no advice to give, but just a heartfelt sorrow for what is happening to you.
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Syme
Welcome, Sany.
How about slipping her a copy of Crisis of Consience of Raymond Franz, along with a photocopy of the 1980 km issue that stated he was indeed a member of the GB? Are you sure she'll throw it away? Maybe she reads it in private. I say ''slipping'' and not giving. Obviously she won't accept anything you hand to her, but she may be interested in taking a look if the book reaches her somehow. Or slip her a printed copy of a Candace Conti article (NOT from ex-jw sites, but from a secular source, e.g. Associated Press.)
You mentioned she is free-spirited? You could use that. What sort of free-spirited is one when they don't allow themselves to think critically? For example, you could tell her, while you have the time, to search in the publications and see when did the policy of shunning the disassociated start to take place (1981, in order to get rid of Franz). Search jwfacts for critical questions who could pose. Make questions, not statements. The statements will be thrown away as "poison". Make questions, and don't provide an answer. Make her only to think. It sounds hard, and it is. But bear in mind, that only a small "fracture" is needed. Once a fracture is done to the glass of faith, it's irreversible. She must be the one to grow the doubt, though. You can only plant a seed, nothing more.