I realized something today...

tall penguin

I was thinking today about my business. I've been working in the field of Educational Therapy for the past 4 years, helping children and adults with learning challenges. In the past year, I started working with infants as well, supporting their first year motor development.
Since I left the org 3 months ago, I've been re-evaluating all areas of my life. I put my business on the back burner as my heart really just hasn't been in it. I've been going through so much myself that I just had no energy left for my clients.
I recently took a part-time job working in a major bookstore where I live. And I love it! And I had to ask myself why. So today I was pondering this and I realized that I love just doing my job and not having anyone's life or emotions in my hands. I like that I take care of my customers, find them their books and then they're happily on their way. If the store doesn't have what they're looking for, oh well, sorry, I smile and they move on. I help where I can and don't sweat it when I can't.
And I was thinking today how my life as a jw set me up for wanting to help people in a grander sense, feeling that it was up to me to save them. How I would get so nervous at every door I knocked on in service thinking that this could be the only chance the householder gets to hear the "truth" and that it was up to me to seal the deal. And how, when the message was rejected I couldn't help but think that it was my fault. That if I'd only done more, said it differently, prepared better, that householder would've responded. And every service meeting just drove it home how we can become bloodguilty, because we're, after all, in a "life-saving work."
Today, I basically shouted to the universe, "F**k this! I don't want to save people anymore. It's not my job!" And it felt good. I'm freeing myself from so much of the jw mentality and finally taking the opportunity to see who I really am.
I've decided to put my business completely on the back burner and jump into the bookstore job with both feet. For once in my life, I'd like to wake up every morning and be happy to go to work knowing that I'm good at what I do and not responsible for anyone's life but my own.
tall penguin

MsMcDucket

That sounds like a might fine plan to me!

Odrade

Sounds like a nice break.
There used to be a lovely poster here who told me something, when I was in the midst of my recovery from the JWs, and making big decisions... she said,

:::Tell you what, Odrade. You have said on a couple of threads now that you are happy with where and what you are doing right now and...I believe you. If you tell me tomorrow that your a bit unhappy and that you wish to go in this direction over here and that would make you happier.. then I believe you again and I'd say. "well go that way then and here's your hug." J.W.'s just don't work that way and that is just dumb.
Write your own pages to your own story and make all the edits and changes you wish. You alone have become the writer now.

So, now I am saying that to you.

telltruth

amazing! that sounds so liberating. taking ones' own path to find ones' own place may not always be the easiest choice to make, but certainly the healthiest....telltruth.

freedomlover

I can totally relate Tall Penguin....I too am in a therapy type job where I have to deal with lots of other people's emotions and that can be draining. I too am looking for a FUN job where I don't have to get so heavy with people all the time. Good for you and your wonderful brain that gives you such grand epiphany's!! Happy ISBN'ng tomorrow!

juni

Good evening Tall Penguin,

I remember when I was only 3 mo. out of the org. I felt a lot of anger and hurt and like you yelled toward the heavens above one night on one of my walks. I found yelling and speed walking really helped release tension and continued that regimen until I didn't feel the need to yell.

I once had considered going into social type work - helping people. Tests showed that I would be good at it. But I reconsidered for the very reason that you found to be true. You're giving more of yourself away in an emotional way and after coming out of this religion you find it's a time for a change. Became a floral designer instead. And loved the work. So, I feel you are making a good choice for yourself. And you can always go back to your business if you feel ready. A person has to take time for healing themselves before they can help others.

Best to you!! Juni

Carmel

Each of us are wired differently and find fulfillment in different ways. I've been in upper management nearly all my adult life and couldn't imagine anything else as gratifying. Problem solving and looking for better ways to resolve complex issues is my meat and potatoes. I'm glad you've found something that you can do well in and not feel burdened. In reality, you are still performing a service to your fellow humans. It's just not taking the psychological toll on you that intensive therapy did. You may find later that you want to have a mix of both in your life. What's neat is you are free to find out for yourself what works without the "occupation police" giving you a guilt trip!

I wish you well!

carmel

tall penguin

Thanks all of you for your support and kind words. Every time I post here I feel vulnerable and exposed yet I make the leap and trust that I'll find a safe space. And I do. I appreciate so much having friends to talk to on this journey. The words from each of you have touched me deeply. Thank you.
MsMcDucket, thanks for the thumbs up!
Odrade, thank you for sharing those most wise and profound words that a past poster shared with you. I appreciate the simplicity of "well go that way then and here's your hug." And the idea that I am now the writer of my own story and can make as many edits and changes that I need to. Very freeing.
telltruth, I appreciate how you've jumped right into things here at jwd and have supported me so much already. Thank you.
freedomlover, it's nice to know I'm not alone on this journey. I wish you all the best in finding a FUN job. And thanks for complimenting my ephiphanous brain! :) And yes, I always do enjoy a good ISBN. ;)
Juni, thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm happy you're doing a job you enjoy. It really makes a big difference in your quality of life. And these words are oh so true: "A person has to take time for healing themselves before they can help others."
carmel, you said, "What's neat is you are free to find out for yourself what works without the "occupation police" giving you a guilt trip!" Amen to that! Yes, it is quite wonderful to lead my life without Big Brother watching me. It's a whole new world!
Thanks again to all.
tall penguin

damselfly

Today, I basically shouted to the universe, "F**k this! I don't want to save people anymore. It's not my job!" And it felt good. I'm freeing myself from so much of the jw mentality and finally taking the opportunity to see who I really am.

Are you the voice in my head?! I had the same conversation with the universe a few weeks ago. It's time to do things that make me happy. Good luck on your new path, may you be blessed.

Dams

Satanus

"F**k this! I don't want to save people anymore. It's not my job!"

Hear, hear! Everybody can believe what they want. It's not up to us to free jw's from the wt, iether. To you people who think it is, i say, cool, do it. But, it's not a job that i choose (unless they come to me. I do have the info, and i'll share it, if they want it).

S

I realized something today...

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