few of you may remember my touching reunion with him
Come here you little cutie patootie, give us a hug.
A Long Post About MY SISTER. Shows up after 5 Yrs just to SHUN some more?
by lisaBObeesa 33 Replies latest jw friends
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kristyann
I agree with what Scully said... it does seem many JWs are attention whores. Everyone that I've ever talked to about them says that they just HATE to be ignored. The JWs I know, especially this one lady, is CONSTANTLY telling everyone that she is sick, she has a headache, she's dizzy... just to get someone to pay attention to her. She doesn't know how to get attention any other way so that's what she resorts to... being a hypochondriac. It was really stupid of your sister to just show up without telling anyone. It was definitely planend. She obviously KNEW that after not talking to anyone for years, people were going to make a big deal over her, go up to her, hug her, try to tidy the house for her... she just wanted to watch everyone make a big deal over her and then to treat everyone like crap.
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TopHat
I guess it just go to show how some JWs can be brainwashed into being braindead. Sorry for the ordeal your Mother went through.
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Jez
Colorado: I understand what you are saying and agree, but your situation is not comparable. My brother and mother would ONLY speak to me if I am a JW. That is the first and foremost reason that they would even consider having a relationship with me. They did not come to me like you brother did with you....no they sit back and righteously wait for me to run to them blubbering like some idiot about how wrong I was, how sorry I am, how terrible being df'ed was, how I understand the necessity of it and how glad I am to be back in Jehovahs organization.
Never Jez
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Scully
Steve Lowry
Even though you don't post here very much, THANK YOU so much for sharing that very powerful personal experience.
This is the kinda crap (M's unacceptable behavior) that quite simply, should not be tolerated. The only way to deal with one who shun's, is to shun them in return. I don’t buy into the whole, "Oh lets love them through it", thing. She’s an adult who has made her choices. Treat her as one. Sorry, I know that may sound cold, but the only way to fight some fires, is with fire itself.
I've gone through the gamut of bending over backward to maintain a relationship with JW family members, of letting them treat me poorly - in front of my children no less - while at the same time they welcome non-JW relatives with open arms and non-JWs who have married my siblings into their homes. I'm at the point right now that if shunning is what they want to do to me, then they shall be shunned in return. They will not have the privilege of associating with my children if they are going to treat Mr Scully and myself like crap. They made the choice to shun and I'm making damn sure that I don't reward their behaviour with visits from the grandchildren.
My JW sister wrote me the "You've displeased Jehovah letter" some twenty-five years ago, about two years after I left the group. (In those days they quickly DF'd you for stating you were leaving. They didn't need any other excuses.) Now granted, my sister and I were never really very close, but I loved very very much my two nephews and niece (the boys were like 8 and 9 and my niece was 5). I decided (at great personal loss to me) to give her what she wanted, and I left her (and her family) alone. Fifteen years later when I had a little girl of my own (and all of her kids grown), she decides she wants to play Auntie to my little girl. Oh, she sent presents and a card that said, "Hug the baby for aunt D". I was appalled at this level of hypocrisy! I threw most of what she sent away, my wife insisted on keeping a few things that she liked. I never acknowledged D.'s gifts and she got the message. When my JW mother wanted to drive up from Florida to visit the newborn baby, my sister happily volunteered to drive her. When my mother told me this, I told her however she got here was her business, but D. would not be allowed in my house. Mom came up by way of Greyhound.
My god, that is so disgusting - I feel like slapping "Aunt D" upside the head.
I wouldn’t piss on my sister now if she were on fire. She has made herself dead to me, and dead she will remain. I have no regrets. She wanted to shun me so longs as it fit HER agenda. But when she saw something SHE wanted, it was like all of a sudden the past fifteen years of shunning me and the loss of me being be being able to see and enjoy my nephews and niece grow up meant not a damn thing to her. She wanted to gloss over it like it never happened. Bitch! My daughter is ten now. And while its sad to me that she won't get to know her aunt, it is the best course. One, I don't want my kid influenced by that kinda nut, and two its payback to my sis'. Life is an investment, and this is her reward. Yea, I’m a sonofabitch. It works for me. I treat in kind as I’m treated.
This is what it's about, isn't it? It's all about what THEY want. They think they have the right to treat people like shyte and expect that through it all they will still be able to have all the privileges that are entailed in being tied by blood lines. When their behaviour results in hardship for THEM though, they cry foul and bring out the ashes and sackcloth of Persecution for Righteousness' Sake™.
This is awesome advice and deserves to be re-stated:
Give your sister what she wants. She wants to please Jehovah? Fine. But let her know that it will be expensive. I would let her know, and in no uncertain terms that when SHE changes her attitude toward your mom and asks for your mom’s forgiveness for treating her so badly, then you as a family would embrace her totally again. But, until that time, she would not be invited to any family functions. Period. And if she shows up uninvited, the first order of business is to make amends with mom, or kindly be asked to leave. This way, the shunner learns what it’s like to be shunned. It’s equitable. Doesn’t mean she will accept the terms, but at least this way she knows the rules.
And this too, is worth repeating:
You have lost your sister to a mind controlled cultic group where very few once captured can escape. You can’t love her out of it, or scare her out or mistreat or threaten her out. You can only protect the rest of the family from her negative and destructive influence. It’s a choice that you must make. Remember that no choice is still a choice.
Thanks again for sharing this, Steve. Knowing that you have gems like these, I'd love to see more posts from you.
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greendawn
It's one more example of how destructive and anti christian this cult is as we can see another family painfully victimised by its policies. It's useful for those that claim the GB is a group of well meaning but misguided individuals. There is more to it than that.
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colorado5591
They did not come to me like you brother did with you....
Technically, I came to him first but that is here nor there. I am just glad to have him back. Here is what my original comment about death in a divided family was going to be, before getting distracted by the shun in return issue.
What I failed to mention that I was allowed to go to the service for my Dad when he died but my mother and brother (was still dub at the time) flat out told me I was not welcome to go and spread my dad's ashes where he wanted them.
I was by his side day and night during his last few months, helplessly watching him fade away from me. He died in my arms. I cradled his head as he took his last breath but I was not good or worthy enough to be present and help carry out his last wishes. I am so angry about that 3 years later but It's just too deep a wound to even talk to my My mom about. Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go cry alot again over the same crap!
We love you Ladylee, many of us feel your pain and offer you our collective strength.
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Frog
I have spent years trying to figure out how I feel about her and how I want to treat her and how to talk to her……..and now I just don’t care any more.
know how you feel lisa babe:) I too have decided to let the emotional binds go. I've stopped trying to repair the unfixable and rationalise with myself about these things. It takes a little time away from the situation to be able to grasp full emotional independent from them and the situation. Everyone else moves on, and so must we:) Thanks for spilling your beans to us. frog x
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Steve Lowry
Thanks Scully (and everyone), for your reply. It’s amazing how many changes I have gone through over the years regarding my former JW life (I left the group way back in 1979). Since shunning wasn’t something openly discussed, I had no idea that I would be treated in such a manner when I decided to leave. How naive I was! Honestly, I wasn’t DF’d for anything other than telling the elders that visited my house (they "visited" after I had stopped going to the K/Hall by a few months) that I no longer had any desire to be JW. At first I felt flattered that they cared enough to visit me to see how I was doing, since I hadn’t been to the K/H for such a time (I grew up in that K/H). But it didn’t take too long before I realized their true motive for visiting me was a kind of pre-DF protocol. Listening to their questions was like listening to someone reading off a checklist. That was my first introduction to the experience of leaving the cult. They showed no love or concern. It was all business. When I finally realized what was truly going on, I got so pissed at them, that I told them to get the hell outta my house. I got up and left the room and didn’t even extend to them the courtesy of showing them to the door. When I think about that day now, it makes me laugh out loud. I also told them that I wanted a copy of my DF document so I could hang it on my wall, so the next time I thought of joining some stupid group I could look at it to remind myself not to make the same mistake twice! LOL! Uh, they didn’t think that was funny! (Smile)
It was about two years later while visiting my mom one night, that my sister and her family were there at the house, and I noticed they weren’t coming anywhere near me. When I asked my mom about it (we were having coffee in the kitchen), she informed me, "Well, Steve, you know, you have been disfellowshipped . . ." with this kind of martyred look on her face. Considering that my JW elder brother-in-law had an affair with my former JW wife two years earlier (neither of them were DF’d.) and that it took some effort on my part to forgive him (at the urging of my father), it was quite understandable that I would get pissed. I was so angry, that I left the house without saying a word. The irony of the situation was overwhelming to me. I forgave the guy for sleeping with my wife but he and his family couldn’t forgive me for no longer believing in God the same way they did! I have rarely felt such anger and outrage in my life. A few days later I got the letter from my sister.
In 1990 I moved out of state and I visited a church there, where to my surprise, there were about a dozen former JW’s who were regulars! This started a wonderful networking of former JW’s for me. I soon realized that my situation (the shunning business) wasn’t the exception, but the rule! I talked with person after person about their experiences leaving the JW group, and while each story was its own, all had a common thread of family separation and heartbreak. I grew to hate the Watchtower Society and its policies that destroys families and people’s spirits. Through the group, I got to meet Ray Franz (Crisis of Conscience), who confided in me that he was to a large part responsible for the ‘push’ way back in the early eighties to put pressure on JW’s to shun former members. This coincided perfectly with the timetable when my sister made her decision to disown me. I know he felt terrible for his involvement in the shunning policy. When I told him it cost me my sister and her family, he just hung his head. Seeing that, it broke my heart. I forgave him, of course.
Ya know, as for the shunning and stuff, I just won’t put up with crazy people’s bulls**t anymore. I cut them off. It doesn’t matter to me if they’re brother or sister or mom and dad. I realize that this is my way of doing things and it may not work for everyone. But it works for me. You want me in your life? Great! You don’t want me in your life? Fine. There are lots of folks that do. Don’t wait up and don’t leave a light on for me, cuz I won’t be coming by. As long as JW’s and people like this know they can manipulate others by shunning, they will continue use this tactic. The way I respond to them is to give them the same treatment. It’s my way of letting them know that their attempt to manipulate me won’t benefit them, and I move on. The only exception would be for my child. I love my child unconditionally. If she were to do this, I would let her know I love her and always would, but if that were her decision, then I would give her as she requests. I would let her know though that I would continue on with my life, with or without her. And, I would wait and hope for her to come to her senses. But I wouldn’t change anything in my life.
Everyone has to choose his or her own path. I feel bad for those who choose poorly (shunning), but it’s their choice to make. Let them endure the consequences.
Steve
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Steve Lowry
Lisa, I apologize (just in case) if I have said anything in your thread that you would find offensive or discouraging. I am truly sorry for you and your mom and what you must be going through regarding your sister. There are no perfect answers for such a situation as yours, and the way I deal with this is not necessarily the way you should. The correct path will present itself to you, I’m sure.
The family unit has so much going against it these days; it doesn't need anymore help from the Watchtower Society. Take care and good luck. Hope for the best.
Steve