by 24k 19 Replies latest jw friends
I stuck it for a couple of years, but it continued down the tubes. I've now been separated for over two years. Fortunately we never had kids. Other than that our stories are nearly identical.
At first I didn't know how I would live without her. Now, it still hurts at times, but life has moved on...
Why do you have to suffer alone?
Would your wife agree to go to marriage counseling?
I ask myself, what would Dr. Phil say?
I think he would address the wife and ask what part of the marriage vows do you not understand?
What does til death do you part mean?
What marriage vow has your husband broken?
Does your husband have to belong to every club or group that you do?
Do you know how many marriages are based on respect and mutual admiration and that many husbands and wives belong to separate clubs and organizations?
Do you and your husband have to agree on every little matter in life?
Can you agree to disagree?
Even if you change partners in life, accepting differences is part of life. This issue will not go away.
I am sorry you are getting this disrespectful treatment. I believe they are really in the dark how unchristian they are being to their husband and father.
Yes, give your wife loads of affection. Maybe in time she will see the light......that your decision to take a break from the WBTS does not let her out of her marriage obligations before Jehovah.
should I remain in my present status, it would be perfectly proper that my daughters not have me attend their wedding.
ah but you will still be expected to pay for it i would imagine..
since you da-ed and are not intent on returning you dont have to play by their rules
so dont...
just behave normally...dont be embarrassed into ignoring people that visit..or that you meet in the street etc or in your relations with your wife and daughters..greet them talk to them laugh with them...let them be embarrassed
(btw...on another thread the form for da-ed people that is sent to headquarters was discussed..on it, it asks what help the elders gave to the person submitting the letter..i.e. after the letter was submitted but before it was read...did u get any help?)
24k.....((((((Hugs))))))
SWALKER and tjkmo, I REALLY LIKE your replies. 24K, if it's really over, it's over. If you're ready to take another shot at your marriage, however, think about what might swing your wife to a more reasonable stance. This is one of the toughest things about being an exiting JW. Can you bring your partner along on your journey of self-discovery? Also, regardless of being married, separated or divorced, you have your daughters in common. For sure, negotiate some reasonable ground rules for behavior.
Here's a good resource I recommend often. Even though it's designed for divorcing parents, I think many of the same principles apply. Parents who are going separate ways in their beliefs set up similar anxieties and burdens on their children. Open the door to communication and negotiation. Help your children reconcile this huge change in their lives.
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/publicat/mh-sm/divorce/toc_e.html
This angle is pretty brutal but I haven't seen it on here before and thought it deserved mentioning...
We are always disgusted that the organisation doesn't care that families are split when one member of a couple joins it. We know how it affects a marriage, and we're upset because we know that a couple went into a marriage as *these* people, and now the person joining the cult is becoming *this other* person, and therefore they ought to be held accountable for the damage to their marriage and take action to limit it.
What happens in the reverse scenario though... when two witnesses marry, they're both usually of the opinion that the person they chose is suitable at least partly because they're also a witness, so it's a marriage based upon that commonality. We've seen here that when that commonality is taken away, the marriage faces difficulties. My point is that in this instance it's the person leaving the cult who is changing the marriage. Wouldn't that mean that they're the ones responsible for it's failure? Wouldn't that therefore mean that they're the ones who ought to put in the effort to keep it together, understand the changes they're forcing upon the marriage, and limit the damage?
Sorry hon, I know it's mean, and apologies to Tetra and all of you who have fought so hard to achieve the freedom you need...
Thanks, everyone, for your kind and considerate responses. They really help more than you can know. Sometimes, everything just gets so overwhelming, and the truly wonderful thing about a place like this, is being able to talk to people who can understand our shared, and very unique experience.
It is too, sass, that in the case for the partner who LEAVES the Witnesses, they are breaking an unwritten pact the couple had going in. This does lead to a lot of guilt I am sure.
I've seen the grief on both sides the years I was part of a divorce recovery group. The aggrieved spouse who was left, feeling rejected and abandoned. The partner who had to leave, sometimes masking their own loss by doing Really Stupid Stuff or by giving away the house and the finances and everything else as a guilt offering.
In the end you gotta be real to you. Don't ASSUME your partner won't come along for the ride. Remember that they have a lot of catching up to do before they get to where you are at already. Find ways to talk it out as much as you can. It will save you a lot of grief later.
24 K It has been my "experience" and I have noticed that on this forum. That when a marriage is at the point of falling apart, there was often another problem aside from the effects of the jw cult on individuals, marriages, and families.
Take a good look at you and your mate and the marriage and see if there is and always maybe, another basic problem. If this is true, this matter needs correcting first.
Again it would be wise to consult a certified counselor for help in these areas.
As many have stated, showing your wife love and respect for her and her feelings and making it clear that you do love her and want this marriage to remain intact and asking for the same from her to you, may over time cause her to re think her conduct and how she treats you.
Also, if you see that things are not getting better, but are getting worse, remember that if you see a train coming at you, act before it gets upon you. Don't linger on the tracks and watch it destroy you .
Prepare for what ever legal methods you may need to remain a major part of your childrens lives.
Best wishes to you.
Outoftheorg "been there done that"
I've never been a JW and never will be. I can't see how any daughter would think it's okay not to have their father attend their wedding. It blows my mind!
