by sass_my_frass 15 Replies latest jw friends
Hi babe
WOW.....you handled that well..... and you did well to not say you wernt going to meetings ,if tht was me i think i would just said "well acutally no i dont go anymore" but i also understand why you didnt.
Its really weird these last couple of weeks ive been so calm about the possibility of being D\F i mean if the elders or my folks came to my door it would be hard to ignore the fact that im celebrating Christmas, and i find myself almost welcoming it. See what happens hey???
es
A bit of background; she's had the book study moved from her place as her conscience doesn't permit her to have it there while she's still in contact with me, her disfellowshipped daughter.
This actually made me laugh for a couple of reasons. 1) The elders likely made the decision for her, not her Conscience™ - the noble way she's put it is just candy-coating she puts on it for her own benefit. 2) Who is twisting her arm to still be in contact with you? It looks to me as though she is the one initiating the text message contact, not you.
Her: PAIN and HURT and SORROW bloody bloody bloody kids if I'd known how much pain mine were going to put me through I'd never have had any. I want to move to the other side of the world where I can get on with my life and not have this PAIN anymore. Have a nice xmas. I hope it makes up for all the ones you think you missed. So sorry for screwing up your life with what (Mr Frass) calls our fucking religion but there I go. I just want to stop feeling SAD
This is screaming "I'm dumping all responsibility for my emotional distress/ problems on YOU because I don't want to be responsible for the outcome of my own choices"
Her: Then you need to speak to (non-witness aunts and uncle who attended the wedding and have been great). Amazingly they were more shocked and disappointed than we were. He had the conversation with them. They had the grace not to say anything until we came home. They related it out of concern for us but mostly you.
Sounds like revisionist history on your mom's part... or two-faced relatives.
Her: Whatever. Here's a question, did you ever tell (Mr Frass) that if I have sex with you before we are married theres a possibility I would lose my family? See you are the one that put the cart before the horse knowing full well what the consequences might be. You were prepared to dump the family long before they chose their option by your actions. I believe that you can't see that and still remain offended at something you have known all your life would happen! And worse not explain it to Mr Frass that he can accept it. No sorry you dumped us first with very little thought.
Somebody has a problem respecting your boundaries!! If my mother EVER tried to discuss my sex life with me I would not hesitate for one minute to put her on the spot and intrude into her private and intimate activities with my dad.
Also, the fact that they shoved the knowledge about the consequences down your throat "all your life" does not mean that you have to choose the same life they did. People are still free to be part of a religion and should likewise be free to not belong to a religious group without penalty.
Her: Well dammit neither did I. Had a major meltdown yesterday. The primal scream that has been just below the surface for the past five years finally came out. I am living each day between a rock and a hard place fear/hope. You could at least have the courtesy and the compassion to put me out of my misery and inform me one way or the other if you are back at the meetings and if not then let me know that too so I can get on with MY life.
She is making the choice to put herself between the rock and a hard place. I am simply amazed at the guilt-tripping that's going on in these messages. She's upset that she has to shun you because you're DFd. She's upset that she got in trouble for staying in touch with you. She's upset that you are respecting the terms of the DFing and not going out of your way to contact her, and then she has the audacity to say that it is because you are not being courteous or compassionate toward her.
Doesn't she get it that it's her behaviour and choices that are imposing all the hardship on her?
You're right, she definitely needs professional help. Histrionics are never fun to deal with.
Es; yeah, well okay I've barely been to any, but in my little mind I'm justifying telling her that because as far as I'm concerned I haven't totally stopped yet. And... yeah I know what you mean, as in, okay I'm already disfellowshipped, but I'm pretty okay with it now. I'm grateful to those guys for setting me free; if they'd let me stay I'd have probably thought 'wow what a forgiving organisation' and bled my life dry sticking with it. But now the choice has been made for me. That's good because I'm pretty gutless.
Of course now I wish I'd quit instead have been fired, but not that much. It doesn't matter; I'm out, I'm happy. Very simple formula.
Thanks Skully so much!
1) The elders likely made the decision for her, not her Conscience™ - the noble way she's put it is just candy-coating she puts on it for her own benefit. 2) Who is twisting her arm to still be in contact with you? It looks to me as though she is the one initiating the text message contact, not you.
The elders told her that she can keep the book study... it was her choice to have it moved. I consider this blatant emotional blackmail and am not falling for it. I told her that, but she blocked the information out, probably because she knows I was right. I told her early on that I thought we'd all be better off if she did 'the right thing' with the shunning, but admittedly I didn't push it very hard because I wasn't ready to lose everybody. But thinking about it now, Dad has been a rock all along, but Mum just thought that she'd look like less of a troll to her non-witness family if she attended the wedding and falsified the information in her favour. Ugh.
This is screaming "I'm dumping all responsibility for my emotional distress/ problems on YOU because I don't want to be responsible for the outcome of my own choices"
Too right.
Sounds like revisionist history on your mom's part... or two-faced relatives.
Been trying to work this out. We will certainly watch what we say to them now (Mr Frass said something similar to that without the profanity.... and thought it was in confidence). We think they wanted to talk to her about it because they're tired of being shunned by her for being non-witnesses too, and she took it badly.
Somebody has a problem respecting your boundaries!! If my mother EVER tried to discuss my sex life with me I would not hesitate for one minute to put her on the spot and intrude into her private and intimate activities with my dad.Don't get me started. I only confessed because she pushed and pushed for the truth. I think we'd all be better off if she'd minded her own damn business, but of course it is her business as far as she's concerned.
Also, the fact that they shoved the knowledge about the consequences down your throat "all your life" does not mean that you have to choose the same life they did. People are still free to be part of a religion and should likewise be free to not belong to a religious group without penalty.Thank you, I'd not thought of it that way.
She is making the choice to put herself between the rock and a hard place. I am simply amazed at the guilt-tripping that's going on in these messages. She's upset that she has to shun you because you're DFd. She's upset that she got in trouble for staying in touch with you. She's upset that you are respecting the terms of the DFing and not going out of your way to contact her, and then she has the audacity to say that it is because you are not being courteous or compassionate toward her.
And so... now she wants to be 'set free'. And that will upset her the most.
I'm pretty sure I have to do it, but I know it's not the best thing for her, like she thinks. Of all her children it appears the unrepentant sinner is the one who is making the most effort to help her. I know that when I'm out of their lives they'll probably deteriorate into total misery and poverty. I don't want that. She can't see it happening, but I know that armageddon isn't coming to save them. So... I don't know about letting her go.
Sass I'm new around here but not new to this drama having been raised in the troof too from age 9.
Just want you to know I feel for you and don't lose hope that things will get better. I have a d'f friend who's elder dad recently reinitiated a relationship with him after a decade of silence. Really hope your mom sees a good doctor. I remember being a JW mom and being so stressed out and depressed. It was such a dark place I was in and I wasn't even all that involved. I never made all the meetings or went out in service as an adult but the JW darkness was in my blood. I stressed about my kids "making it through Armageddon" etc. My kids went to a private school run by local JWs. I ended up in therapy and out of the org. Thank goodness I have great relationships with my adult children now.
Hang in there Sass. You may be more of the parent for awhile until she gets better. Maybe Barbara's Big News will be a door opener.
I think I'd quit wearing bras if this is what you have to go through every six years.
Nina
