my mother (page 2)

SPAZnik

Oops, sorry, Conflict pisses me off lately. I shoulda stayed out of it. Nothin' like addin' fuel to the fire eh. LOL

Of course, I probably shoulda just joined in on the community wound-licking thing rather than sharing my desire to skip right to the conflict resolving. ;)

hahaha i can be so impatient sometimes.

That and dense. I'm always thinking that when asked for my opinion on a subject, I'm actually being asked for my opinion on a subject. DOH! When will I learn that I'm actually being asked to agree and empathize!? :)

Emotional honesty is an important factor in conflict res'n.
You seem to be displaying that Ellie (at least here) and I applaud that. I'm sure that it's possible for you and your ma to figure things out eventually, no matter how bad things look or feel right now.

It's clear that you care and a little love can go a long way! :)

Please forgive my spit n' vinegar. I care too!
(Or yell at me if ya want to, I can take it). :)

alwayz learnin',
a slightly tamer SPAZZY
wishing Ellie and her mom well.

SPAZnik

I think I relate a little too much to the pain here.

(shutting up now)

doofdaddy

That last post was your greatest piece of wisdom/advice Spaz

katiekitten

Ellie I really feel for you. Its a horribly difficult situation to be in. I wish I had some answers, but I find there are so many emotions tied up with a strained mother/daughter relationship all the advice to be mature and raise things in a non confrontational way etc etc are really hard to follow.

My mum puts me down too at every available opportunity. She doesnt really do it in public because she has such a difficult personality that she has no friends. So she either just does it to me, or to my partner about me. Shes not even aware she does it. When I have raised it and repeated some of the things she has said she says I am hyper sensitive or it wasnt meant like that or Im reading too much into it or she has no idea what I am talking about. Its impossible to pin her down and get the point across that it hurts me.

I think its because my mum feels powerless, and I am the only person she can be mean or nasty to without losing me (everyone else has slowly left her company, which makes me feel even more unable to cut her off. Im the last person she has). Also she has suffered all her life with depression (or M.E. she tells me, but personally I think its depression). This makes it impossible for me to fight back - shes too weak to take an emotional battering like a normal person could, but shes very good at delivering an emotional battering.

The only thing I can suggest is what I did a while ago - I sent her an e-mail listing about 6 things she had recently said to me word for word, explaining that even if they werent meant that way they hurt me and made me feel worthless or not good enough. I explained that I loved her, but because I got hurt by the things she said if she said anything similar again I would end the conversation immediately. It seemed to work mostly. Shes a bit more subtle about her put downs these days.

Best of luck. I really feel for you. And NO, your mum should not be making negative comments about you in public, and thats irregardless of whether you are a child, adult or ancient!

SPAZnik

lol doofdaddy thanks for noticing ;)

diamondblue1974

I would like to write a thread to tell you all about my mother, however it would be very long and complicated and deeply personal, exploring feelings that I don't even know if I have.
But basically, she told me the other day that shes very ill, she needs an operation but the doc has said she wouldn't survive it, this has made me feel so guilty and terribly sad.
What I'd like to ask you guys though is, do you think a child can be so naughty that as an adult its mother should continue to judge, and chastise in public?
I understand that you don't know the full story, even I don't know the full story but I'd appreciate any comments you have to offer

I know we have spoken about this at some length and I thought I would publicly add my two penny worth in; the put downs from a parent are the hardest for you to resolve internally; maybe its because on some unconscious level you still seek their approval even as adults and when they make it obvious that in their eyes you have fallen short you kind of feel like a mischievous child that is being watched under a reproachful eye.

I believe your Mum loves you Ellie I just think that she has a hard time understanding how to show it; Your mum has conflicting emotions which she herself cannot resolve, perhaps they revolve around the guilt she feels and as a result cannot come to terms with the fact that she wasnt a perfect mother (understatement of the year!).

My mother used to beat me senseless and predominantly it was as an overreaction to something I did or didnt do; yet if I should try to remind her about these things she went through a stage where she would either deny them or simply say that I deserved it. Inside you start to even believe that you mustve deserved it, and it sometimes takes a while for you to realise that this wasnt your fault and that you were not the one that caused these things to happen. Reading between the lines, I suspect maybe you feel similar to how I did.

On a positive note I have a half decent relationship with my mother nowadays and she accepts where she has gone wrong; I am not suggesting your mother will do this to that same extent but there is hope if you keep persevering; this doesnt mean you should give her license to disrespect you but you should keep the channel of communications open so that when she does come to her senses; she will realise how well you have turned out and hopefully you can rebuild that daughter/mother relationship that should exist between you.

If things dont happen the way you want them to though Ellie; this isnt your fault either, just make sure that you do not make the same mistakes she made in terms of your treatment. Your a great mother to two great kids, theres no reason why that should change!

Your a star...keep smiling matey

jgnat

I think the worst thing for you is that you won't have time to straighten your mother out before she's gone. If your mom has trouble treating you like an adult (this goes for you too, Cordelia) start responding as an adult to the insults. Either ignore them or give swift, sharp consequences. She'll stop.

What you want to do is stop responding or giving her attention for bad behavior. Examples of swift, sharp consequences:

"If you don't stop right now, mom, I'm leaving." Then leave if she doesn't stop.

"Stop saying that, it hurts me. If you continue, I will hang up." Then if she continues, hang up. I hang up very softly.

To your friends, "She said what to you? And you didn't stop her or correct her? If you want to continue to be my friend, you are going to have to stand up to her."

If I were you, I'd separate the two things; grieve over what are losing, and the onging struggle with your mom. Somewhere in this mess you need room to cry. Do you have a brave, strong person to be at your side when you are with your mom? You can reach to your brave, strong person for the comfort. Your mom may be too immature to give it.

jgnat

Oops, I just noticed that MOM thinks she won't survive the surgery. This may be a guilt-fest. My ex-mother-in-law has been "dying of cancer" for over fifteen years. Double check the source.

my mother

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