SO...what do you all think???

under74

Some of you know there was a big blow up with my family at Thanksgiving because I started a thread about it. Others that don't know...please look up my past post if you're curious. BUT in brief my older brother had a major anger tantrum (shoving me because I disagreed with him, punching the wall)....nothing new, he's been having a lot of these fits over the past 2 years.

So Saturday, we all got together because my cousin, his wife and newborn were visiting. First time I've seen or spoken to my older brother since Thanksgiving. Anyway, everything was, a little tense, but okay while my cousin and his family were there. They left and a while later my younger sister starts trying to get all of us at the table...you know...I'll give her credit for raising the subject but she basically in her non-rational-"I don't want this to ruin MY christmas"-way tried to spread blame around. This was fine with my older brother because he didn't have to take any real responsibility. Ended up where my older sister apoligized to him instead of him apologizing to her.

When it came to me he kept saying I was a "man-hater"--which I think means if I disagree with him and say so to his face, I hate all men...and yes, i was insensitive and started laughing everytime he said it. But what can you do with someone who refuses to see you as a person rather than a gender? For christsake, my 2 closest friends for the past 10 years are male. I don't have gender issues...I have issues with him having gender issues. Please ask if you need more explanation.

I left mid-way through the conversation after my older sister started taking blame for his rages--most of which have had nothing to do with her or anyone in our family. I heard through my other brother that the conversation kept going back to him saying he blew up at Thanksgiving because me and my mother kept "egging him on" and "we hated men."

I don't even know what to say anymore...not just to him but also to the rest of my family. I know everyone just wants things to be okay for Christmas and so do I, but I just can't deal with him anymore. He only takes responsibility for so much...but always in some way ends up blaming others for causing him to get "angry"--he says "angry" I say "raving crazy."

I don't know what to do anymore. We tried a just after Thanksgiving to talk to my brother (he wouldn't talk to me though) about what happened at Thanksgiving (and in a non-accusing way) but it always ends up being someone elses fault.

I don't know what to do. Anyone have advice?

Crumpet

I havnt yet read your earlier post about the blow up under74 and i am sorry to hear of your troubles. It drives me mad the family members who can speak to each other want to wind each other up this way. I wish I could just be allowed to say a paragraph in person tp each and every one of my family - may be its optimistic but I'd like to feel that if I could be unmuted or rather their ears unstopped for the one minute I could speak to them it would be enough for the rest of my life but its never likely to happen.

And family aint just for christmas - know what i mean?

Good luck though.

SWALKER

Why are you letting him ruin your holiday...take a step back. Let him throw his tantrums whatever...ignore them unless he roughs you up and if that happens call the police. Get off the merry-go-round. If he starts in talking to you or if anyone else brings it up say "He needs help, end of discussion." Don't get drawn into fixing him! Ain't gonna happen...it's the same with an alcoholic...refuse to add to the insanity. This puts it on his shoulders and takes the monkey off your back. REFUSE to get drawn in to anything other than polite conversation...with him or family members about him. They'll get the picture if YOU stick to the above. If it gets out of hand...don't argue with him, get your things and leave...that will make a statement louder than any words! Just don't allow him to get under your skin anymore..make that your new resolution. He's already absorbed way too much of your life.

Just my 2 cents worth.

Swalker

lisaBObeesa

don't know what to do anymore. We tried a just after Thanksgiving to talk to my brother (he wouldn't talk to me though) about what happened at Thanksgiving (and in a non-accusing way) but it always ends up being someone elses fault.

There is nothing you can do or say to get him to change his mind or to think different.

Nothing.

So Let Go, and have a nice holiday! Your family will thank you!

:)

Also, just because he says you hate men, doesn't make it so. You don't need to defend yourself against crazy-talk.

If I were you, I would just very nicely mirror back what he says.

Him: "You hate men!!!"

You: "So, you think I hate men?"

him: "Yes I do, because of xyz!!"

you: "You think I hate men because of xyz?"

him "Yes."

You: "I see." At this point he is out of stuff to say! Conversation over!

You might then say, "Hey, I'm going to go check on Aunt Sally..."

-Lisa

LittleToe

Some people need to lay blame for their feelings somewhere, no matter how irrational. Leave 'em to it, I say. Enjoy the Holiday season

hubert

I have a sister-in-law that is a "recovering" alcoholic and drug user, and she is also bipolar. We were at my other sister-in-laws for a Christmas party this Sunday, and she was there. She got upset once, stormed out the door and slammed it, and no one paid any attention to her. 5 minutes later, she came in and everything was fine. She was happy. Maybe she smoked a weed out there, I don't know. But, the point is, no one did or said anything. We all just ignored it, and so she didn't get the attention she wanted. If someone would have went out to console her, it would have escalated the situation. We learned this from past experiences.

Maybe that's what you ALL have to do in your family. Tell everyone if anything starts to happen, walk away. Make like nothing is happening.

Good luck, under74, and hope you all have a Merry Christmas.

Hubert

under74

Thanks everyone. I know others in the family want him to get help before his rages are becoming more frequent but also just want to get through the holidays...I think I'm just going to throw my hands up and get on with Christmas.

Dansk

((((((((((((Under74)))))))))))),

Thanks everyone. I know others in the family want him to get help before his rages are becoming more frequent but also just want to get through the holidays...I think I'm just going to throw my hands up and get on with Christmas.

As has been mentioned, I don't think there's much you can do. As your brother's rages are becoming more frequent he definitely needs some kind of help - and, sadly, family aren't always the best people to do it because they are too involved. If you can, enjoy your holidays because you deserve it. Keep away from such get-togethers for awhile or until, at the very least, you know your brother's tantrums have ceased. Such events are always upsetting and I'd rather be out of it so, therefore, I'd keep out of his way. You don't need the hassle, the insults or the upset they cause. It's true, isn't it, we can choose our friends but not our family! I witnessed much violence in my home growing up and I've learnt that there's no cowardice in keeping oneself sane by keeping out of the way. You don't deserve this garbage! Love, Ian

Billygoat

I think Hubert has excellent advice!

We just recently got a new puppy. He's 12 months old and pretty big, but still acts like a puppy. Very playful, chews a lot, chases, etc. When he plays with us, he tries to bite us. Mostly typical puppy mouthing (love bites), but sometimes it really hurts. We've learned to just get up and walk away. Just after two weeks of this, he's realizing that when he makes contact with his teeth, he doesn't have anyone to play with. So the last few days he's really tapered off with the love bites. I promise it works!

I hate to equate your brother to a dog, but if you don't play his mind games, he will eventually stop. If he realizes that he can't ever get a reaction from you, then he'll quit. It will take lots of patience and time, but eventually he'll realize he looks like the idiot, not you. When other people witness your reaction, it might spur them to do the similar thing. With nobody in the family playing his head games, he'll straighten up.

jgnat

The problem in your family, under74, is that the dysfunction extends beyond your brother. It's as if he had a huge axe sticking out of his head, denies it's there, and the family, in order to keep the peace, all agree with him. How do you deal with that sort of insanity? You can't.

Have some rules for your own behavior internalized before you go to any more family events. Decide what is intolerable, in advance, and resolve to leave. Quietly.

Don't let your family blindside you or try and "guilt" you in to agreeing that your brother does NOT have a huge axe sticking out of his head. Don't let them play the "What's wrong with you?" game. Only talk to family members one at a time, away from the event, and only if they ask you what it would take to restore family peace.

Frankly, I think both your mom and.. was it the silly sister-in-law?... need Al-Anon. Your brother needs treatment.

SO...what do you all think???

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