Need advice and support :(

glitter

My mum has been inactive for the best part of a decade.

The other week, the daughter of the woman my mum studied with to become a JW popped over to see mum (they are good friends). The daughter was saying how she probably won't get baptised herself as there is too much she doesn't agree with, but that she thinks JWs are right.

Conversation turned to a local elder finding out I celebrate Christmas (gifts ready to be sent were sitting out in the room last time he came) and I said I just felt like joining in with a cheerful festival in the winter (which is my real reasoning).

I said I only decided to go against JW things after careful research after seeing Panorama, and that I found out that some of their teaching wasn't Biblical, and I was very skeptical about the idea of New Light.

She asked for an example of the non-Biblical thing, and rolling out my favourite example, I asked who her mediator was between her and God = of course she said Jesus. Me *and* mum both shook our heads and said that's not what the Society says. I showed her proof from the "Worldwide Security" book, she was visibly shovked. She said she'd ask her mother.

Then she told me "Mum thinks the same as me - that it's Jesus", but that "She said she'll send you some info."

So today in the post, I got a letter made up of stuff copied out from the publications showing how it *isn't Jesus*, and also a picture I made when I was little that she'd kept where I'd drawn our block of flats where I lived as a little kid, and had copied something about "As for me and my household we shall trust in Jehovah" (cute, but it felt like emotional blackmail).

Mum was in a good mood at this point and said that she'd just copied it out and said what we already knew. I went into the kitchen and came back to mum rationalising that Jesus *still* was our mediator as well. I said that's not what they teach... and from then it all went to hell. I showed her from two WTs and she just got angry and said "It doesn't say he's not - show me where t says he's not!" and I went o get another copy of "Worldwide Security" (as we'd lent the other to the visiting daughter) and told mum where to find it. She read it but kept saying it didn't say that, she started calling me a liar and wouldn't give me the book. At this point I'm crying and finally she demands I show her where it says that - I read straight out of the book and hand it back. She reads for herself and then finally snaps at me - "Well you've done what Satan failed to do, you've got me out of the Truth!"

She started ranting saying I'd been on at her and on at her for years - this is the truth, since I found out the truth about the Truth in July 2002 I've wanted her to see it too. Then she said I was like it since I was little and she's only been putting up with me becausse of my illness and because I rely on her.
She said she wanted all the JW literature in the recycling - she was furious *at me*. I found myself trying to convince her not to throw her literature away because it was so out of control.

She says she doesn't believe in the Society's teachings anymore, doesn't even believe in God. All because of something I thought she already knew.

I was totally bewildered, I showed her what she already knew - what she's just read again in the letter from her friend! I know it was cognitive dissonance that made the friend just believe and write the *opposite* of her previous stand and I know it's cognitive dissonance that made mum try to believe that way too and not see the truth in the mags and book.

But this is more painful than I could possibly imagine - she's saying she doesn't want to live without the Truth so she hopes she dies! I hope I die - I feel so evil.

Part of me is thinking she's just punishing me for stopping being a JW, and she doesn't really believe what she's saying. I just don't know what to do now. I wanted her to be happy to stop believing the JW bullshit.

"Be careful what you wish for" is right. :(

Gretchen956

Part of the grieving cycle is anger. It usually follows right after denial. Sounds like your mom transferred some of that anger on to the messenger. Just let her work it out a bit, hopefully she'll come around.

Sorry!

Sherry

glitter

Thanks. :)

Has anyone else been through this? Or did anyone else react this way themselves?

After I saw Panorama I was so disgusted I didn't want to even touch WT literature, but I don't know why I thought my mum would be different.. but I'm just so shocked and upset how suddenly her mood changed and how I thought this was something she already knew about. :(

I feel like she's never going to forgive me, and I keep thinking "What if the WT is right - it'll be my fault she dies at Armageddon."

She has depression and anxiety already, I just wish she still believed in the Lie... and I know *that* is irrational in a way.

Effervescent

I'm really sorry you have to go through this!

First of all, you need to know that this really has nothing to do with you. It really seems like she has alot of pent up agression, and you are a convenient punching bag right now for an outlet of her wrath. She probably has a lot of very confusing feelings and thoughts to deal with right now, and it's easy for her to blame you. I would give her some space and time, let her work through this grieving process (as Gretchen pointed out) and then reconnect later when the situation isnt so volatile.

I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out. Although it doesn't seem like it now, I really think it will.

misspeaches

Hey Glitter....

Sounds like you have some serious issues with your mum. In my opinion from what you have told us here reaction appears to be completely sudden and very severe. Its almost like she has been having problems with her faith for some time. Like her comment on Satan could not get her out of the truth but you can. Then you've made her read this info properly and its just what she needed as the final thing to convince her something is not right at all.

Do you ever get the feeling in your relationship with her that YOU are the mother and SHE is the daughter? Reversal of roles? Does your mum have a track record of you having to fix things, sort out her emotional outbursts, that sort of thing? Perhaps her reaction in this instance is related to something like this.

You poor little thing. You've been wanting so much to free her and then she spaz's out on you. You have done the right thing though. So don't regret your actions too quickly.

jgnat

Your mom had a catastrophic loss of faith, and you were in the way when she got angry. As soon as she calms down, I predict you won't be the target any more. You better not be.

Just let her ride it out.

Also, try filling your lives with replacement activities that have some meaning. Even giving some cookies to a neighbour should help.

fairchild

Either your mom has been having doubts and was truly and deeply shocked by the realization of what they really teach, OR she is emotionally blackmailing you. (See what you've done? You've pulled me away from the truth which is my love and my life and now I have nothing left).

Or it could be a mixture of both. Obviously, she is shooting the messenger here. She might not be mad at YOU, chances are that she is mad at herself. Don't feel bad, it is NOT your fault.

AuldSoul

(((glitter))),

She isn't really angry with you. You are nearby. She is angry at her own "foolishness" in trusting them, she is angry at them for telling her these lies, and she is angry at herself for repeating their lies. She is angry at all the time and energy wasted on their lies.

You are a convenient place for that to be directed for right now, but it isn't as bad as it seems. She will calm down later.

Respectfully,
AuldSoul

NewLight2

glitter,

Sorry for the emotional pain that both you and your mum are going through right now. But there must have been doubts long before this as she had choosen to be inactive for 10 years. Do not blame yourself. Just let her 'cool off' for awhile. She will get over her shock in time and that is when she will turn to you for support.

NewLight2

glitter

Do you ever get the feeling in your relationship with her that YOU are the mother and SHE is the daughter?

No, I rely on *her* a lot.

Reversal of roles? Does your mum have a track record of you having to fix things, sort out her emotional outbursts, that sort of thing?

She has bad panic attacks, but I haven't had to help her out with one of those in ages (not there when they've happened.
But her getting SO angry does match up with this.
--
Either your mom has been having doubts and was truly and deeply shocked by the realization of what they really teach, OR she is emotionally blackmailing you. (See what you've done? You've pulled me away from the truth which is my love and my life and now I have nothing left).

I think it's a mixture of these. I just kept saying "*I* didn't write that book - *I* didn't tell that lie."

She has been having doubts in that she knows New Light means the Old Light couldn't be the truth (the first thing she did after reading in the book was flip to the front and find out the publishing date - 1986 - and say it was a "long time ago" but I just pointed out that's younger than my sister and certainly younger than the *Bible*!), and she thinks the blood fractions/cell-saver is a contradiction (so wouldn't use them), and she was stumbled lots by the cliqueyness of our old congregation.

She's said a few times before that she's failed as a parent because I'm not in the Truth, so she's conditioned by the Society to take the blame herself - so I'm just really concerned cognitive dissonance will win when she calms down and she'll just say she was mistaken; she was already saying "Oh me and must both have misunderstood what mediator means" inbetween getting mad again and shouting.

I'm wondering if the "You've won!" is just a ploy to get me to shut up. I *am* going to shut up about it, and just see what happens when she's calmed down, but I don't know how to bring it up again at a later date to find out how she feels and if she *did* mean it.

I hope she *did* mean it but I don't want her to be upset, angry, or to get into trouble/have JWs shun her.

Need advice and support :(

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