i joined this board in march of 05, if i recall correctly. i had DA'd shortly before.
a year ago today, dec 25, 04, was hell for me. i was already an atheist, but had not DA'd yet. i was under much duress. my wife of the time did not yet know that i was an apostate, or obviously, why was an apostate. no one did. just me. i hadn't joined the board yet. i wasn't a member of any exWIT boards. i knew no other exJWs. my witness friends all seemed like empty shells, blowing along the avenue of existence. i was full to the brim. i was really alone.
i remember thinking, that by next year i would be well on my way to enjoying xmas, but "this year (04) i would not allow myself such an extravagence". funny how the mind works, but it was all too much for me, for some reason.
i just got back from my normie job a few minutes ago. it's 7 am here. it's an alright job. the nice thing is that there are lots of folks my age there, and they all know me for who i really am. the real josh. i ahve pals now, and i don't see them as aliens in human carcasses anymore. so, i poured myself a whisky and a guiness, and decided to share a sort of personal moment with you all.
i was standing at my kitchen counter, and i tried thinking back to the mind set i was in a year ago. i tried to re-experience that type of anguish that only lurkers, and people who are still JWs experience when they are all alone, but know it's not the truth anymore. i really really tried to feel it again, but i couldn't. i know what it is, technically, but recreating the feeling escapes me. the feeling i have now, regarding that place of spiritual identity and subscription, is one of peace. standing there at the counter, chasing my whisky back with a beer at 7 AM, all i could feel was the moment, all James Thomas-like. just peace, and stillness. that feeling of being betrayed by jehovah has slipped away at some point in the pervious months.
sure, as many of you know, i still have issues. i am still angry at different things, and i am self destructive. but not for those old reasons that i was a year ago today. i don't feel abandoned anymore. i am not angry at the borg anymore. this gives me hope for the things i still take issue with. today, and the last couple of weeks, i have been really enjoying xmas. i know it will be over soon, and that my regular problems will be back to bitch-slap me around some more. but it's nice to appreciate it for what it is, right now, today. xmas day. people are still the same old people as always at xmas, and there is a lot of crap that goes on a xmas, but it still seems there is something magical about it. something that, for a few days once a year, makes you feel a little better about life. and that's the essence. i always knew it as a JW, but never experienced it. i am glad our human world has something like this. a break from existence. sure, not everyone is happy or relieved at xmas. but i am, and i will try to live it for them too.
i want to say to all you lurkers, on this xmas day, that if you let the pain of leaving the truth get better, it will get better. but you have to be brave, and have some spare brain cells, and a little recklessness to get through it all. but you can do it. we all do, here in the world. this big scary world. it seems there is a lot of barking, but not much biting going on.
a happy xmas to you lurkers! take a moment from your day, and try to picture your life a year from now. if it sucks, do something about it. you're here reading this post, right? so, you're not slaves anymore. you are no longer a slave..... wow. my gift to you today, if you haven't already given it to yourself.
perhaps some of you may have read my posts, and you are not that impressed with me. that's okay. you don't have to be. regardless of your path, neither of us are slaves anymore. and xmas is the time to say, "hallelujah, thank god i'm out", if even only to yourself.
you jwd posters; the ones i have never interacted with; the ones who are not crazy about me; and the ones who actually like me: i'll have a sip for each and every one of you today!
yeeeehhaaaaaaaaaaawwww!!!! see y'all when i have recovered!
TS
ps: here's a photo taken by the only JW that i still love. we are both humans, and that will never change. brothers forever. amen.