HOW TO THINK LIKE A FUNDY

by Reluctant Buddha 15 Replies latest watchtower bible

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  Reluctant Buddha

  Planning a career in online Christian fundamentalist apologetics? How about the exciting world of Young-Earth Creationism? Witnessing to, and debating with, atheists and other hellbound unsaved sinners on the internet can be hard work, so you need to familiarise yourself with the tried and tested methods used by fundies all around the world. After completing this simple training course, the shadow of doubt will never again flicker across your mind whilst listening to the lies and deceptions of those ignorant infidels who disagree with your self-evident truths. 1) Inerrancy First and foremost, the Bible is the absolute, literal word of God. Contrary to popular opinion, it contains none of the following: errors of any kind contradictions absurdities When you understand this, dealing with those who claim to have found a contradiction is simplicity itself: there are no contradictions, so he cannot have found one! You see? Easy, isn't it? If your opponent continues in his error after having this explained to him (nice and slowly), elaborate on your answer using an appropriate response from the following list: That translation is incorrect - in the original texts a different word is used, so it is not a contradiction. He is taking the verses out of context, so there is no contradiction. Satan has blinded him to the truth. There is no contradiction, and he should pray to be shown the correct meaning. This is only an apparent contradiction. That is not the same as an actual contradiction. If the verses are interpreted correctly, it is obvious that there is no contradiction. There are no contradictions in the Bible, so this is not a contradiction. The contradiction is caused by his anachronistic thinking. The word [insert word here] had a different meaning back then. Having just demonstrated that the supposed contradictions do not exist, you have now proved that there are no contradictions in the Bible, reinforcing your claim that it is truly the unsullied Holy Word of God. 2) Science There is but one measuring stick required to determine the truth of any claim - how it compares with Holy Scripture. More precisely, how it compares with your personal reading of Scripture. So, if some secular humanist scientists dare to dream up a theory (or "wild guess", as it is more accurately known) that apparently conflicts with the teachings of the Bible, clearly these egg-head mad professors have made yet another idiotic mistake, possibly under demonic influence. How do we know they are mistaken? See " 1 Inerrancy ". Conversely, when science agrees with the Bible we should applaud the brave, Bible-believing investigators for supporting the Holy Word and showing the glory of Creation. But usually they are wrong. Never forget, the atheists are quick to use the findings of science as "evidence" in their arguments, but this is because materialism and science are their god and religion. They want the men in white coats to save them from the God they know will judge them. There are many things which science cannot explain. However, you can explain these things instantly and simply by saying "God did it". Perhaps the atheist will say "Well, we don't yet know how the Big Bang happened, and maybe never will, but we're working on it". Easy solution - God did it. Problem solved. However, some atheists are stubborn in their evil ways and you may have to repeat this scientific explanation to them many times before they accept it. Of course, when scientists eventually do come up with an answers for such problems, be prepared to patiently explain to them that this is what your religion taught all along, if interpreted correctly. 3) Debating techniques Here we delve into the murky world of online debating with heathens. You can witness to lost souls in USENET newsgroups (such as alt.atheism and talk.origins), or in message fora on their websites. Self contradiction In a heated argument, you will often find yourself losing track of your previous posts, and the atheist will often accuse you of contradicting comments you made earlier. As your words are Bible-based, it stands to reason that they should therefore be correct at all times. Refer to " 1 Inerrancy ". Alternatively, remember that, as slaves of The Evil One, atheists will do their best to twist your words and attempt to confuse you. If this appears to be happening, ignore their comments and pray for strength. Logic and reason These are the playthings of the unbeliever, and you should have no truck with them. Faith in the Lord is all you need. The atheist will try to imply that God should be bound by the rules of logic, but God invented logic and so cannot be constrained by it! The more illogical and unreasoning you are, the harder it becomes for atheists to refute your statements. They will scream "But that doesn't make sense! It is logically impossible!" - be that as it may, your faith will tell you that you are correct. With God, all things are possible - including impossible things. What more do you need? The burden of proof is on the skeptic "Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence" you will be told. But just who is making the extraordinary claim here? You, who simply observe the Creator's hand in all things, or the infidel who against all logic and reason denies the very same. Clearly, it is incumbent on the unbelievers to support their ludicrous assertions that there is no God. Ask them if they can prove God does not exist. Ask how they can be so arrogant to make this claim, when they have not searched the entire universe for God. They will come back and ask you to disprove the existence of Zeus, Vishnu and unicorns, but you should dismiss such childish nonsense - there is no comparison between the fairy-tale gods of other religions and the Truth of Christianity, Their inability to disprove God is evidence enough that He is real. If they cannot overturn your theory, they are clearly being unreasonable by refusing to accept it. Repeating yourself After spending a few days debating with a group of atheists, you should leave them alone for a week or so. This will give them time to come to terms with the truths you have revealed. Also, it will provide time for new people to join the discussion. This allows you to return to the forum once more and repeat your statements, unchanged, for the benefit of newcomers. We recommend storing your longer arguments in a text file, so it can be easily cut-and-pasted into the forum. If the forum regulars object, explain that, having already corrected their misconceptions, you are now simply trying to reach the new members and those who still unreasonably reject the truth. If they are civilised people, they will respect this and stand aside. Repeat this technique until you are banned from the board or placed in everybody's killfile. Huge posts To take the wind out of your opponent's sails, reply to the smallest query with pages and pages of text. Ideally, you should spend a couple of hours writing this yourself, but if you don't have the time cut-and-paste relevant (or, if possible, irrelevant) information from other Christian websites or resources. Try to spend at least ten kilobytes explaining why they should pray more, why they should fear Hell, how Christ died for their sins, why prominent Christian philosophers and scientists disagree with them, how long-dead Christians have already proven them wrong, and so on. Ask as many obscure questions as possible. If they are truly sincere (which, being atheists, is impossible) they will answer all of your points. If they fail to answer all of your points and questions, victory is yours. Make a note of this humiliating defeat and remember to bring it up often when dealing with this particular individual. (This is also a handy technique to use during a live debate with evolutionists. ) A variant on this theme is to post numerous verses from the Bible to support your argument. Why bother with a hundred words of explanation, when a single verse will do it all for you. Simply post the verse that refutes the atheist, and then maybe two or three more referring to hellfire. As the verses are known to be true, little more need be said on the matter. If the atheist predictably comes back with a counter argument, post the same verses again but suggest that he actually read them this time. Grammar and spelling - Are not important, as long as the Spirit guides you. If you are criticised for being unable to form a sentence in English, or using words like "athiset", "Noahs arc", "evolotin" and "revilatian" - worry not. It is not the trivia of punctuation and spelling which is important, but getting the message of God across. Consider this excellent example. To the untrained eye, the writer may appear to be an illiterate, ignorant dolt, but just feel the love in his words: "i was wonder if you yourself knew that darwin disowned his theroy in his last days knowing that fossils show species suddenly appering not sight mutations made over long periods of time. the fact is eveolution is total improvible." Only the coldest of hearts could not be moved by such testimony. This is the sort of level of incoherent drooling you should be aiming for. You should combine a flimsy grasp of the English language with your own distinctive writing style. The following are quite fashionable at the moment: writing everything in lower case without any punctuation at all this can be quite difficult to read but is very easy to type which is a bonus dont you think ALTERNATIVELY, WRITE EVERYTHING IN CAPS. THIS MAKES YOUR IMPORTANT MESSAGE STAND OUT AND PEOPLE WILL TAKE NOTICE OF IT AND REALISE THAT YOU REALLY MEAN IT. short, disjointed.....sentences separated by long......strings of dots.....this makes you look quite.....thoughtful as if you are......pausing every now and......then. Overuse of exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can emphasise the point you are trying to make!!!!!!!!!!!! Question marks also work well, don't they??????????????????????????? Show ur mastery of the Internet by using words like "u" instead of "you", "2" instead of "to" and "too", "ur" instead of "your" and "you're", and u 2 can spread the gospel 2 other kewl d00dz. If English is not your first language, all the better. The way you present your argument says a lot about you, so pick wisely. Knowledge of the subject Whether you are talking about evolution, the origins of the universe, basic human anatomy, or the structure of the solar system, there is no need to concern yourself with learning anything at all about the issue. See "1 Inerrancy". By definition, those who disagree with you are wrong, deluded and possibly perverts, so it is a bad idea to pollute your mind with their religious beliefs. All the evidence in the world is no match for a single grain of the True Faith. If they say "But evolution doesn't work like that! You are completely clueless!" remind them that evolution doesn't actually work at all. Has a cow ever given birth to a dog? Do we see hydrogen turning into people around us? If we "evolved" from chimps, why are there still chimps? Why do we not see amoebae sprouting legs and talking? These harsh insights will cut through their dogma like a hot knife through butter. If discussing evolution, try asking for a complete list of transitional fossils from ape to human. They may provide you with a few dozen examples, but it is hardly complete, is it? How can you be expected to accept such shoddy evidence? Go on to inform them that those are not transitional fossils anyway, as there are no transitionals. Clearly God created all species individually, otherwise they would have no trouble finding the evidence. The gaps in the fossil record are therefore solid evidence for creationism. If they refer you to papers or websites showing that the universe is billions of years old, refer them in turn to Genesis. Explain how carbon dating methods have been shown to be hopelessly flawed. For instance, when the Turin Shroud was dated, the so-called experts put it around the 14th Century, instead of 33AD. This obviously calls into question all the other radiometric dating guesses they will throw around. Definitions of words Words can often mean several different things. For example, the word "set" has dozens of meanings : a set of things; a badger lives in a set; a jelly will set; you can set something down on a table; you can set up a meeting; and so on. Words mean what you need them to mean at any particular time. This is a common reason why you will find atheists misunderstanding things - they think you mean one thing, when actually you were talking about something else. It's hardly your fault if they are unable to keep up, is it? For example, Genesis speaks of a mist rising from the ground to water the Earth. This can mean : mist, rain, dew, fog, clouds, water vapour, condensation, snow, hail, sleet or any other conceivable form of precipitation. Let the Spirit guide you in this matter, and if the atheist claims you are mistaken or contradicting yourself, let the Spirit guide you once more to the true definition of the word. This may happen many times, as you can easily misinterpret the Spirit's guidance 4) Mental gymnastics Lying for Jesus Being economical with the truth, making up data on the spot and ignoring conflicting evidence are all handy weapons in your arsenal. The important thing is to convince the opponent of the veracity of your claims. Just how you go about this is unimportant. Feel free to refer to other fundamentalist works, whether or not they have been supposedly "discredited", "refuted" or "demonstrated to be false" - the ICR website and publications, Jack Chick tracts, Dr.Dino's website and videos, Answers In Genesis, things you remember hearing from other fundies or as a child in Sunday School, and so on. When comparing the works of God-fearing, Bible-believing Christians against deviant secular humanist scientists, who are you going to believe? Remember, you are here to save their immortal soul from the burning fires of Hell, not educate them in stuff they don't really need to know anyway. If you have a dubious argument based on fictional data, but it works, then there is no problem. The vital matter is bringing souls to Jesus and how you go about that is immaterial. The ends justify the means, and in this case the "ends" are souls being saved. Such a noble and worthy goal itself justifies any means you see fit to use. Physical force is generally frowned upon, although there are clear historical precedents for this. Use your own judgement. Don't forget, the Lord is watching at all times, and will certainly forgive you as long as you are spreading His good news. So go to it! Compartmentalisation In this world, what you know to be true often conflicts with the reality around you. To be a soldier for Christ it will help enormously if you can master the technique of mental compartmentalisation. This means you must be able to keep your scriptural knowledge away from the secular knowledge that allows you to function in wordly matters, e.g. at your place of work. For example, even though science is clearly mistaken about the processes involved in radioactive decay (see the "carbon dating" example above), if you worked at a nuclear power plant it would be necessary to assume the opposite was true - otherwise it would be impossible to build nuclear reactors. Likewise, a good fundy astronomer knows that the correct date of the universe is about 10,000 years at most, but must be able to examine galaxies millions of light-years away and explain them according to the secular model of cosmology. Being able to hold two (or more) sets of mutually exclusive thoughts at once is extremely beneficial to the up-and-coming fundy on the internet. Remember, something might be "true" while you're at work or sitting an exam, but it's still completely wrong, and you should switch back to the "Christian Compartment" in your brain whenever possible. Wilful ignorance Ignorance is bliss, and what is more blissful than reading the Word Of God? You will often find yourself accused of this "crime", but why should you waste time trying to learn how the unbelievers lie to themselves? You don't need to read a book on evolution to know that it is wrong. You don't need to read a book about the so-called Big Bang to know that it is a delusion. It is the atheists who are wildly ignorant for not reading the Bible! Sure, many of them say they have read it, but this is clearly a lie - if they've read it, how come they don't believe it? Don't waste your precious time trying to get to grips with their overly-complicated theories, when you have a much simpler theory that you already know is true. Conclusion There you have it - Fundy Think For Beginners. All you need to do now is decide how to sign off your devastating arguments. There is classic arrogant abuse, such as "Ha ha ha what an idiot! God made it all! Get an education."; or patronising the opponent - "I'll pray that God opens your closed mind and eyes"; a selection of obscure Bible verses, maybe; and finally, the ever popular subtle threats of hellfire - "Well, I've told you the Truth, I only hope you like it HOT after you die". Don't forget what you've learned : return a week later and post exactly the same assertions that you started with.
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  Forscher

  It wouldn't take a whole lot of re-working to be able to title it "How to think like a Fanatical Liberal".
  
  
  Forscher
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  Reluctant Buddha

  Well, you sound like just the fundiot for the job "Student."
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  peacefulpete

  Enjoyed the article, Interestingly Forchner uses the word "Fanatical" to described a person who would use the techniques described above. I agree. Then he uses the catch-all word "Liberal" to label anyone who opposes him. This is a bit slippery. I enjoy the liberal arts, I believe in personal liberties, I believe social injustices require giving liberally. Which of these lable a person as a "Liberal". (see point 3.8 above)
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  greendawn

  The fundies obviously don't have the meek, reasonable, and tolerant spirit of true Christianity. In this they resemble the FDS of the Watchtower society.
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  Abaddon

  Very fun and quite accurate. Unfortunately those it refers to are not that capable of introspection so it will largely sail straight over their flat little hominid-desceneded heads. If we're lucky we'll get one saying how unfair and untrue it is (and doing so in such a way that validates the points made, LOL).

  However, as an official sarcastic bastard I note it is C&P, which is ironic, as this is the chief method of those the article discusses sharing their 'wisdom' with us
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  Shining One

  Hi Budha,
  Have you yet realized that much of your post could be applied to the dogmatic naturalists in this forum and elsewhere? You are so general and sweeping in your post that it becomes practically meaningless when one gets into the details of why Christians believe that scripture is inspired. I hope that was a 'cut and paste'. It would be a shame if you actually wasted the time it took to compile that! If you want to define fundamentalism just say, 'they believe what they think God has said first until proven wrong'.
  Rex
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  AlmostAtheist

  Have you yet realized that much of your post could be applied to the dogmatic naturalists in this forum and elsewhere?

  THAT IS SO NOT TRUE!!!!!!

  SEE??????????

  With all thsi punctuaton and bad speling, you KNOW.... KNOW... *KNOW* I'm right!!!!!!!!!

  Just kidding Rex. Truth is, anybody that is CERTAIN they are right about something will wind up sounding like the article above. The more certain they are, the worse it will get.

  Dave
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  Forscher

  Well, it looks like folks had a little fun with my statement. The only one who made a point that wasn't insulting was PeacefulPete. You had a good point friend! I should've said Fanatical materialists, which would've been more accurate instead of using a political term. Kudos!
  Oh, excuse me Shining one! Your point was much the same as mine. The "better than you" attitude that the article cliamed to dislike in "fundies" are also often characteristic of their critics. They start with a narrow world view (there is nothing beyond the material universe) and engage in all the fallacies and uncouth actions that they so claim to abhor in "fundies". Just look around on this forum if you don't like what I just said. Anyone who disagrees with the materialist outlook is said to be narrow minded, fanatical, uneducated, or even just plain stupid. Whenever a theist attempts to engage in dialouge, they are usually subjected to ad hominem attacks, their comments are ridiculed, or brushed-off as irrelevant. Just look at some of the comments my little post inspired for instance.
  The reason many theists avoid the debate is not because they can't hold a good debate, or because its unfair, it is because they think more highly of themselves than to subject themselves to the kind of mud-slinging that passes for debate with fanatical materialists. As I said earlier, with a little reworking, the article could do quite nicely for Fanatical Materialists as well. Show me where I am wrong!
  
  Forscher
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  Shining One

  >>They start with a narrow world view (there is nothing beyond the material universe) and engage in all the fallacies and uncouth actions that they so claim to abhor in "fundies". Just look around on this forum if you don't like what I just said. Anyone who disagrees with the materialist outlook is said to be narrow minded, fanatical, uneducated, or even just plain stupid. Whenever a theist attempts to engage in dialouge, they are usually subjected to ad hominem attacks, their comments are ridiculed, or brushed-off as irrelevant. Just look at some of the comments my little post inspired for instance.
  
  Yes, we have all been guilty of that in various ways. I do see myself some and am willing to admit it. However, like you, I too believe it is the materialist slinging a lot more ad hominem than the average believer. Theists are not given much respect by either side.
  Rex