This is an excellent issue. At first, my self-esteem went way up since I felt superior to the rest of the world. I didn't think I felt that way in a mean manner, but it was there anyway. It's difficult not to. "I'm saved and you're not!!" Nyahh, nyahh, nyahh. That type of thing. I was "promoted" rapidly, being made a book study conductor about 2 years after getting baptized. I was then 30 years old and there were elders left over who didn't have a book study to conduct but I was such a "talented, spiritually-gifted" ministerial servant, as it was explained, that they used me. Whenever the elders were out of town, I ran things. It was obvious that I was going to be the next elder. Many MS's had been there years before, but I was always appointed or used first. So all these privileges do go to your head. Then people, especially the sisters, come up to my wife right next to me and say, "You're so blessed by Jehovah to have a husband He is using so much." You get the picture. But all along, and I didn't see it until I got out and got a degree in psychology, I was being set up for a fall. I had NOT learned humility, I learned what I call "goat gloat". Rejoicing that others were goats and weren't going to be in paradise. Being happy that the world, that I was unable to deal with or succeed in because I was the one with the problems, not other people, was wrong all along and MY way of looking at life was right in God's eyes. Then when I got out, I realized how un-Christian the whole thing is and how emotionally crippled most JW's were when they joined, are now, or were when they left the WT. That's why the rate of mental illness among JW's is many times higher than the world in general. I know this from a clinical viewpoint. It seems that half the JW's in the world suffer from depression, even though many don't know it. But when I watch them or they tell me their problems, it's obvious. If this is the truth, why no happy faces? Why do I see JW's putting on a plastic Halloween mask the second they drive into the KH parking lot and taking it off when they leave, and then either mentally, emotionally, or really begin weeping because they "know" something's wrong, but don't know what, how, or if to do anything. They are stuck in neutral and won't touch the shift lever. I really feel sorry for them. And this outlook is obvious to others. Many in my family have told me exactly what's wrong with me, why I joined, and why I quit. And these people have no college training in psychology. It's just plain common sense. The WT either makes you crazy or reinforces your already when you join insanity. There is no successful treatment unless a person leaves the WT. It's called "cognitive dissonance". Trying to hold two conflicting thoughts or feelings in your head at the same time when those two thoughts contradict each other. Try to say "2+2=4" and "2+2=5" one after the other for 30 years and see what happens to your brain. Any thoughts, anyone? Thank you.
SELF ESTEEM in the organization
by justice for all 29 Replies latest jw friends
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anewme
I happen to know some very happy people in the organization.
They are my models. I keep them in mind.
I think it is very challenging to be placed in the position of light bearer and preacher to the world and bear the weight of responsibility that the JWs are loaded with.....especially in the light that most are neither the anointed chosen few nor have extra holy spirit to assist them. The burden the JWs carry is heavy. They have no idea when they first get baptized how much they will be carrying later on, how big a price they will pay to remain a witness. And the big rewards are with an invisible entity and in the very distant future.
I am lucky to now be married into a family of very positive people. I have been love bombed for 5 years now by these folks and have now recovered from low self esteem that has plagued me my whole life.
Last April I quit my job mainly because the respect indicator there was very low.
Last Sept I returned to the KH and sat down right in the middle and enjoyed the spiritual talk and fellowship of Christians around me.
At my reinstatement hearing one elder advised I come into the KH a minute before the song and prayer and leave immediately afterwards. He also advised I should sit in the back.
He might as well of advised I hang my head tween my knees and softly weep over my sins during the meeting too! But he is learning I will have nothing to do with that. Did the prodigal son have to sleep and eat in the barn for six months? No! A robe was given him and a celebration thrown! True the elders cannot read my heart, but I thought "I am not sitting in my car until the meeting begins! Everyone knows I am dfd or will soon. And I dont mind reminding them. They must deal with it. Its healthy for them. And I enjoy sitting where I want to, not in some designated leper area."
And I sing my little heart out too! (Not like a weirdo. I have a lovely voice and the songs touch my heart) There are those I'm sure who think it is not appropriate for the hall slut to be singing at the hall. I just keep in mind how kind Jesus was towards the women in his company who turned away from their sins. I know he would want me to sing. It is good for me!
Before and after the meetings I feel the love from the children who hold the doors for me and touch my hand and welcome me and smile like children do. I know the more mature old timers are proud of me.
I am an island of joy and happiness in the Kingdom Hall today.
Everything I hear I filter with my new knowledge and my new self esteem.
I focus on the scriptures and my personal relationship with God.
I feel I have found my loving father again after so many years.
The prodigal daughter has returned.
But to let you all know, I am taking this week by week and meeting by meeting. Never will I allow mere men or women to toy with my relationship with God and rock me off kilter again. I allowed those on the outside and inside the org to hurt me.
Now I feel it doesnt matter what I decide to do. I sinned before Jehovah. But I have repented and feel forgiven. And that is all that matters. Whatever happens after this, if I continue at the hall or no, I feel doesnt matter so much. A great feat of spirituality and character has been accomplished. And I feel I am finally well and can face all future challenges with confidence grace and maturity.
And I owe thanks to my new husband and mother in law and this board and to the Creator of us all. -
tijkmo
At my reinstatement hearing one elder advised I come into the KH a minute before the song and prayer and leave immediately afterwards. He also advised I should sit in the back.
He might as well of advised I hang my head tween my knees and softly weep over my sins during the meeting too! But he is learning I will have nothing to do with that. Did the prodigal son have to sleep and eat in the barn for six months? No! A robe was given him and a celebration thrown! True the elders cannot read my heart, but I thought "I am not sitting in my car until the meeting begins! Everyone knows I am dfd or will soon. And I dont mind reminding them. They must deal with it. Its healthy for them. And I enjoy sitting where I want to, not in some designated leper area."
And I sing my little heart out too! (Not like a weirdo. I have a lovely voice and the songs touch my heart) There are those I'm sure who think it is not appropriate for the hall slut to be singing at the hall. I just keep in mind how kind Jesus was towards the women in his company who turned away from their sins. I know he would want me to sing. It is good for me!yeah i did that too..
the elders refused to reinstate me cos i wasnt behaving as a repentant one should...idiots
bygones...it sure helped me realise it isnt being directed by jesus..
on the matter of low self esteem tho...i cant believe the number of you guys who had low self esteem but still got abuse from 'loving' elders who either knew your plight or were disinterested in finding out...(i dont mean i dont believe you btw)..i think of all those that i had dealings with as an elder or before and i would never have treated anyone that way..i would always encourage them and tell them that trying their best was all we could ask for..whether it was in fs or talks or answers......at elders meetings i would always cross swords with hardliners who wanted to administer criticism..i would often say that no-one ever did less by receiving commendation..
if i ever heard that something i had done and said had upset someone i would always apologise to them..bethel worker..sister.. child.. d.o.. c.o... elder.. m.s..pioneer...it didnt matter their age rank sex financial position...
it pains me even as i write this to think back at the fact that no-one did it for me..even upon my re-instatement - the only time my self esteem was at an all-time low
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Jamelle
Growing up a JW was not pleasent for me because I was contantly being told I was less than I really was. The message from my parents, from the platform, from the literature, was that I wasn't good enough. I refused to believe this. Then I felt that there must be something wrong with me because I wasn't admitting my own guilt - and I must be guilty, right?
My mother was extremely critical - I believe she had/has mental issues of her own - and her treatment of me was a major factor as I was growing up. I constantly quoted the scripture - modifed - "Mothers, stop irritating your children." in my head. All her nagging just made me angry and resentful - for which I felt guilty - anyone see the merry-go-round I was on?
As a result of all of this my self esteem was strong on some counts and weak on others.
I think that the process of breaking free from the borg and making a life for myself has strengthened my self esteem.
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whatistruth
when you're constantly being blasted 3 days a week at every meeting for not doing enough or for doing things that are "wrong" one's self esteem has to take a huge beating. That is why a lot of jw's are on med's or talk bad about other fellow jw's because they have such low self esteem.
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blondie
Actually it increased compared to being called stupid and no good every day and living with one alcoholic parent and a sexually, emotionally, verbally abusive parent. The meetings actually were a safe haven. Because the WTS was less abusive than this, it took awhile to recognize the spiritual abuse in the organization.
Blondie
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schne_belly
I never had high self esteem. I was always being compared to others in my age group who were baptized by age 12 (I waited until I was 16), or those who pioneered during spring break, who had goals to go to Bethel, who didn't date, who wore skirts down to their ankels and turtle necks year round .
However through all of that, I never realized I had a problem with self esteem, until I left the org. Then I began to realize who I really was...and that I had worth. I realized that I wasn't the problem anymore....and I saw how life should be and what TRUE friends are.
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greendawn
In the totally unnatural and strained environment of the WTS it's not possible to function properly emotionally, so having a healthy sense of self esteem is not easy.
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stillAwitness
Decreased big time.
And must i say Brooke, you're story made me feel bad but I'm glad you're in a good place now. Me and you must PM each other. Gotta "widen out" mom always says!
I got baptized at 14 by force of my deal old mother who was embaressed that "all the other young ones in the hall are baptized but you" I thought after all the attention and congrats I got after it was announced that I would start feeling good about myself but of course after a couple meetings nobody cares anymore and top that with going through being a teenager and you've officially entered hell.
its funny b/c now that I know my position as a witness I don't seek any kind of popularity at the KH. I go in and I'm out before they even say "Amen" I'm twice as pretty than most of the girls in my hall, (sorry if I sound big headed but I swear its true!) Most of the single brothers are always trying to figure out if I would turn them down if they asked me out or not (definetly) and yet people always look at me like I am just a visitor sometimes. All weird and stuff.
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jeanniebeanz
Self Esteem? What's that? You do know that I was raised as a jw, don't you?
Just asking, since I thought you'd know that self esteem is not allowed in that group...
Jean