Hi, I found this discussion forum and felt a need to tell my story, and prehaps talk to people who have an understanding of what it feels like and means to be brought up a jehovahs witness. I was practically born into a jehovahs witness family, there was my mother, my sister and myself, my father (a non-believer) left when I was 3. I can remember my mum telling me that I would never get to school as armagedden would be here before then, then I can remember her saying that I would never get to high school as armagedden would be here.... it was a kind of running theme, mum always lived expecting the end of the world the next day. Mum re-married when I was 6 and her new husband quickly became an elder in the congregation, I also gained 2 step-sisters and a step-brother, who did not live with us but their mother who was not a JW. For years we were the perfect JW family, my sister (always the 'good' one) embraced life as a jehovahs witness, getting baptized at 14 and pioneering at every opportunity. I felt different however, for as long as I could remember I felt attracted to other boys, obviously at a young age the feelings were not of a sexual nature, but I knew I was different from the other boys. As I got older I repressed these feelings and threw myself into being a good witness, I can remember so wanting approval and love from my parents and this love only seemed to be displayed when I did good in jehovahs eyes, this led me to be baptized at the age of 13, with little understanding of the consequences of this action in later life. As I got older I stared to see holes in what I called the 'truth.' I could understand the doctrine and see the logic in many of the teaching but I could not understand the attitude of a lot of the people in the congregation. I imporant time was when a friend of mine got disfellowshipped, she was a complex girl who had had a hard childhood, she found love in the arms of a non-believer and this led to sex before marriage, as I said she was disfellowshipped. I could not understand how a god of love could tell his followers to treat another human being in the way that she was treated by people she called friends. Another time was when a different friend again had sex before marriage, she was repentant and given a public reproval. I felt so sorry for her, but my fellow congregation members did not, she was not invited to gatherings and I can remember her so called 'best' friend saying 'I don't think we should associate with her as she is a bad influence.' This all seemed so wrong to me, not the organisation of love that I thought it was. All this time I had been battiling my own feelings of homosexuality, feeling it was wrong and a bad thing to feel, but there was so little I could do about who I was attracted to. Denying my deepest desires I married (with a lot of pressure from the congregation) the girl I had been dating for 2 years. I knew it was the wrong thing to do but again came feelings of wanting to be accepted and loved and the only way I knew to get these things was to the the so called 'right' thing. A memrobale time for me was at the september 11th attacks, we had a meeting either that day or the next day and obviously there was only one topic of conversation...the attacks in america, but rather than be distressed and upset about the attacks I could see people were what could only be described as excited, almost, dare I say happy? 'Armageddens coming' 'Its a sign' thay all said. I felt like screaming! All my life i had heard about armagedden and I knew in my heart that something was not right with this theory of only jehovahs people suviving the end of the world. I realised that they we not the good people I thought they were, not when they were happy as the suffering of others, and certainly not in the way they treated those that has 'sinned.' Needless to say my marriage did not last long, I could no longer hide my feelings of homosexuality, I had what could only be described as a breakdown. In the end I came out to my family, my wife my parents and the elders all on the same day! I moved in with a friend who had been disfellowshipped and suddenly my life began! I was 23 and for so long I had been repressed, I had lost everything, my wife my famliy (who wanted nothing to do with me) my friends, but I had gained something worth more than all of those things put together, I had gained peace of mind.
I sincerely do not think that jehovahs witnesses are bad people, I DO think that they are misgided and I do think that they they are wrong in the way that they treat those that have 'fallen away.' Maipulation of people is a tatic I have seen used by this organisation time and time again and I am SO pleased to say I am no longer one of the manipulated. I am even more pleased to say that I no longer have to sit back and watch people be treated so badly by this organisation and let it happen, knowing it is wrong.
I have moved on with my life, I have beliefs in god but keep then to myself, I am a qualifyed nurse now and know that every day I help people at their most vulnerable, rather than prey on them when they are at their most vulnerable.
I am happier now than I have ever been, I was told I would not be, I was told when I left that it would only be misery and sadness, how wrong they were!
at last I am free!