How can anyone understand?

by justsomedude 25 Replies latest jw friends

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  justsomedude

  I have a question that not many people would understand. I have faith that despite how crazy it sounds, most on this board will probably know what I am talking about though.

  I'm on the path to leaving this cult that has been a part of my life for more than 27 years. At age 30 that means that I have been involved with the jw's for 90% of my life. Considering I have virtually no memories from the other 3 years of my life, it wouldnt be exagerating to say that I have known nothing else. Suffice it to say, there is much that I have missed out on and not done.

  While I can sit here and name pages of things that I didnt do that I regret, the biggest thing are the human relationships that I wasnt allowed to have and didnt allow myself to have.

  As a kid, I missed out on a lot because of the friends I wasnt allowed to have and the things I wasnt allowed to do.

  What I really regret however, were the relationships that I didnt have as an adult. Now that I am finally ready to enter the real world, there is so much that I just dont know how to explain. How can I expect anyone who isnt an ex-jw or an cult exit counsellor to understand how much this goofy religion has affected me.

  For example here are a few things that strike me as particularly odd, should I try to explain them to anyone.

  I didnt lose my virginity until 23 and have had sex a handfull of times in the last seven years because I was concerned about some invisible old man in the sky who cared where I put my cock.

  and another..

  I have been on about 6 dates in the last 4 years and have never tried to pursue a relationship in any of that time because my faith in God was wavering and I didnt want to get involved with some poor witness girl under the pretense that I actually believed what was in the bible.... and I could hardly get involved with a "worldly" girl because of the consequenses of that.

  and another...

  I cant actually tell any of this to anyone I know because I would then be an outcast to everyone that I know or love..

  How can I even start to live life in the real world?
• 

  G Money

  You are taking the first step. You know there is more to life and you were honourable about being single. Make new friends, explore life and people and see where it leads you.
• 

  freedomlover

  I was where you are at just a few months ago....except for the part about having sex with girls...ha ha ha!

  anyway....it gets better. it truly does. it's a process. be patient. you've taken the first step. I too was worried about having to explain myself to anyone I may meet in the future. that goes away. you will only share it when you want to, not because you feel you have to.

  nice to have you here.

  freedomlover
• 

  Balsam

  Justsomedude,

  I understand, I'm a Mom who raised my sons to fear the big J in the sky. I am so sorry for you because I hear my son's voices reflected in yours. When I left my oldest son left with me. He has had the least problem with sex, but definately has some unbalance in this relationships. He proceed to tell me that he had sex with a very sexually free girl in our congregation who managed to hide it well. As you can tell my oldest son had less fears and didn't give a hoot what the big J in the sky thought he was ready to die everlastingly.

  My youngest son is now 18 and he has been hesitant to delve into that world which is good I think. Both boys are learly of serious relationships. It is hard because worldly girls don't understand how you may be feeling. And JW girls are wanting a mate that will stick to it. So the ones to look for are those gals who have left the JW's too they would totally understand. So keep looking and perhaps you might find someone special among ex-jw's. I think another thing is the immaturity and willingness to be serious is a handicap. But then so many guys in their 20's are more into having fun not relationships.

  Good Luck it will get better as you lose your fear and realize that the Big J is a myth and not to be feared. But don't become a user like my oldest son and have no consideration for the women you get involved with. Everyone ones to find love, and everyone likes to get laid and be happy about it when we're adults. LOL I am sure the young men here will have some good tips.

  Balsam
• 

  AlmostAtheist

  It's easy at 30 to think you've wasted so much of your life -- how will you ever catch up?

  But consider this, most people in the real world have no understanding or appreciation for what they have in it. YOU on the other hand have had your world tightly controlled for all your life. Now you have a chance to spread your wings and really appreciate life. You're in a great position to take off and really make a fine life for yourself. You sound single and pretty much unattached.

  Maybe now's your time to go to college and get a degree? Your career starts at 32 or 34 and you're off to the races! Travel, experiences, hobbies -- things your controlled world would've told you were wastes of your life. But these are the very stuff OF life. And you get to go out and do it all, and really appreciate it.

  It's hard now, but like FreedomLover said, it gets easier. I've only been out of the cult for a year and a half and it hardly feels like I was ever in. It's a great feeling to be truly free.

  Welcome to the real world!

  Dave
• 

  SPAZnik

  I felt somewhat like an alien when I first left. Still do, but less often and for entirely different reasons now haha.
  
  There will probably come a point when you won't need people to fully 100% understand you, in order to interact with them and/or carry on your merry way in life.
  
  Til then, reading up on change management or crisis management and culture shock type stuff might help. :)
  
  Keep it short and sweet if you decide to explain anything from your past to people. Go easy on yourself AND on the people around you. Don't Expect them to "understand". This will go a long way in leaving you open to new friendships etc. Just...I don't know...smile like you have a dirty little secret. How are they to know it isn't just that you are wearing sexy ginch. haha
  
  That said, there are many parallels to the ex-dub situation that can be drawn upon illustration-wise when interacting with people. They won't understand fully, but they will probably be able to get a feel for it when you put it in terms they can relate to, either personally or just cuz they've at least fathomed it from tv or something.
  
  If there ever is a moment you want to explain for some reason, tell them you look 30, but you're really only 16 right now, letting yourself go through a childhood you missed out on right now. Or an early mid-life crisis if you will. (You'd be amazed how many people will look at you with complete understanding on both of these descriptions.)
  
  You could explain that it was like going a-wall from the army, socio-politically speaking.
  
  Explain that it's like being an non-visible minority. :) (People kinda get the racism analogy)
  
  I was surprised at how many people I encountered with not THAT different situations, at least emotionally and psychologically. No they weren't raised in a total cult, but some were raised and CONTINUE to live with, insanely power-trippy parents. Our background was a religious cult. Others are raised with must succeed educationally and financially at all costs "cult"ure. Still others are raised with totally whacked out family issues psychologically and emotionally. Everyone has a story. You're not the only one.
  
  Take up a hobby that interests you. (and if you're not sure ask people, do you have a hobby how did you get started? or i'm thinking of doing this, know any good starting places?) Get a pet. Set goals and honour them. Go easy on yourself. And definitely check in with us to keep us posted or vent or whatever. :)
  
  
  
  
  
  Take time to acknowledge your strengths so you won't feel completely overwhelmed and you'll know what you DO have in your arsenal to work with. Then brainstorm ideas that appeal to you as to how to break down your most urgent challenges into bite size pieces. (war of attrition it's called....kinda like jab jab jab jab jab...just keep on jabbin' til you've kicked butt ;)
  
  Remind yourself of things you did that were "normal" as a dub. Such as going to school or learning to ride a bike. That's kinda what it's all like, going back to school and finally getting back up on that bike.
  
  People like talking about health and exercise, I've found.
  People also like talking about pets, hobbies, work and family.
  One of my closest friends just wanted someone to go for walks with.
  It can be that simple. Just gotta be open to that. :)
  
  If you want a little entertainment from it all, ask people about sex, religion, money or politics hehe. Tell people: I've never voted due to being apolitical in my past, for various reasons which I won't bore ya with right now, but now I'm looking to learn a little about it. Have any suggestions on where to start? Do you feel comfortable telling me why you approve or disapprove of a certain party. Sit back and watch the show. (specially if you ask in a room of a few people haha) (*glint*)
  
  for real though, Go easy on yourself. And when you "screw up", don't beat yourself up for it. Don't expect yourself to handle it all perfectly. Give yourself 77 eff ups, just for old times sake ;) Then just don't keep track. Tell yourself "good thing that wuz one of the 77 times" and laugh at how nutty it all is.
  
  Bottom line: we're all people, we're all human. we all have things we feel misunderstood about at different times in our lives. we all experience the same range of emotions if for different reasons.
  
  Also, look how well explaining yourself humbly and asking questions works. :) Just think up questions to ask people (now and then, don't wanna totally interrogate or leave impression of complete incompetence) and see who get's real witcha. :)
  
  Love yourself. Congratulate yourself on little successes.
  
  Anyway, hope some of this blah blah blah is useful. I'll shut up now. ;)
  
  SPAZZY
  
  ps - you're not alone, more people "understand" or at least have experienced "crisis"/"change" on this planet of ours than we might realize or initially respect when we leave the dubs. And those that don't, eventually will and then they will look back and go, ahhhhh.
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  wanderlustguy

  Realize everyone is weird, it's not just you.

  You'll be ok...it's like riding a bike, once you get going, you'll find yourself hanging on for the ride more than pushing it. I'm 33, and been mentally out one year...it gets better.

  WLG
• 

  prophecor

  Just Some Dude, Hello.

  You have a wonderful opportunity in front of you to make a clean break, and get an authentic life from the carefully constricted one that you've been accustomed to, Dave and others have mentioned. With the right degree of wonderment and enthusiasm for life, you could come to find yourself, One Happy Camper. Life could have its way with you and find you in some truly wonderful places. It mostly has to do with what you want. You can go out and cultivate some official relationships.

  Though we are ones who are conditioned to remaining amongst our own kind, among the protected illusory wall of "everythings OK as long as you're one of us" mentality, the world is still filled with a lot of superficial folks who may attempt to take advantage of your goodly human nature.

  If you have a sense of your own intuition, trust it, and it can be a source of guidance as you make your way out into this brave new world. As awful a place as it can be out here, being among the world ( in it, but not ((necessarilly)) of it), its still a wonderful place. Take a slice out of life. You need not eat the whole pie, but savor a peice of it at a time.
• 

  Puternut

  Justsomedude,

  Though my percentage is at 50% of my life in the borg, (Re)entering another world can be confusing and unsure.

  One thing to consider is to do some reading on cult survival. I am including a link that may be a start : http://www.factnet.org/Healing.html

  Be kind and show empathy to yourself. Take it a day at a time. You came this far, your journey will continue only at your pace.

  Puternut
• 

  SPAZnik

  fave quote o' mine -
  
  the only normal people in the world
  are the ones you don't know very well - joe ancis
  
  
  
  
  
  i would recommend getting your sleep and eat well and exercise. :)
  the cool thing about this newfound freedom, iz that you can start anywhere you want!! :)
  
  SPAZZZ