I didn't have the patience to fade; I needed the negative JW influence out of my life immediately. I lost my JW wife as a result, but ours was not exactly a marriage made in heaven anyway.
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Lurkers:How To Leave The Organization Quietly And Discreetly
by metatron 22 Replies latest jw friends
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willyloman
The ongoing debate over whether to fade or stand up and flip everybody off continues. The bottom line is, it all depends on circumstances. For some, the fade is best option. I think Meta's point was addressed to that group. For those of you able to take unilateral action and make a clean break, more power to you.
For the rest of us, hindered by family and business ties, a successful fade is a wonderful thing. It sounds like a lot of work, but often there is no alternative. And in the process, you are at least doing something. I think it has to start with a plan, an exit strategy if you will.
I like Meta's suggestion about illness. It is the one road out of the organization with no roadblocks. That's because JWs don't really care about people once they become incapacitated and can no longer contribute to the cause. If you're sick, they'll ask you about it once or twice, but after that - when it appears you have a chronic problem - you are emotionally dismissed by most of your "friends," as well as the elders.
At the same time, you are not considered "bad association," you won't be shunned, your relatives and business associates can retain their ongoing relationships with you. And best of all, you don't have to look over your shoulder every time you go to the store - the way you would if you just stop going to the meetings. If you run into a dub somewhere, you just play the sick card.
So many dubs have illnesses that the rest of them don't understand - whether it's depression or chronic fatigue - that it won't raise many flags if you begin to suffer from one of them. Dubs are in denial that as a group they have an extraordinary level of illnesses that have a psychological component, so they're not going to challenge you, at least not to your face.
In our case, we used a real illness, one for which there was no cure and no specific timeline. It went into remission within a months but by then the word was out of our chronic illness and the platitudes had all been expressed and we weren't expected to show up much, so we didn't. Then we moved to another congo but never showed up there. They called a month or so after our cards and a letter ("these folks have been ill," I'm sure it said) arrived. They wanted to know if our cards were sent by mistake because they hadn't seen us. I said we had every intention of being part of their congo, but we were dealing with major illness right now and there'd been a setback. I asked if they could be patient with us. The elder quickly dropped his accusatory tone and became very sympathetic. He offered to bring another elder by to "encourage" us, and I said that would be fine as long as they called first - since we were never sure when we'd be up to receiving visitors.
In the meantime, we had bought a new answering machine that came with caller i.d. and one of those digital voices - and didn't tape over it with our own message. All callers got was a generic voice saying they had reached such-and-such a number, no names. We reasoned that most people, confronted by a strange voice and no mention of a personal name, would hesitate to leave a message. And that's what happened. Caller i.d. showed a few calls (but not many!) over the next several weeks but no messages were ever left. Then the calls stopped.
That's been 18 months or so. Occasionally we run into dubs in town. They do one of two things: Ask us how we're doing ("good days and bad days" is the stock response), or walk across the street to avoid us (so apparently not everyone is fooled, or else they aren't sure what our status is and want to avoid a confrontation - either way is good for us).
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silentWatcher
They called a month or so after our cards and a letter ("these folks have been ill," I'm sure it said) arrived.
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It used to be that when you moved, you were handed your publisher record card, and YOU gave it to the secretary of your new congregation. Or simply ripped up the card. :-)
Now, cards are sent Secretary to Secretary. So sad. -
acsot
I like Meta's suggestion about illness. It is the one road out of the organization with no roadblocks. That's because JWs don't really care about people once they become incapacitated and can no longer contribute to the cause. If you're sick, they'll ask you about it once or twice, but after that - when it appears you have a chronic problem - you are emotionally dismissed by most of your "friends," as well as the elders.
What also may help is if you ask for help with specific tasks everytime a "friend", elder, whoever calls to ask about you. As in, "I've been so sick, can't manage to : mow the lawn/shovel the snow/wash the floor/do grocery shopping/vacuum/fix the car - whatever needs to be done at the time they call. You may get some help at first (highly unlikely), which is always a good thing, but my bet is they'll soon stop calling if they get asked to do something for you every time you hear their voice.
Then they may tell you to look into any help social agencies or clinics or whoever may be able to give you. Then, if they still call (highly unlikely), you have the excuse that you have to stay home and keep tabs on the "worldly" people who are helping you out, etc. etc.
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Forscher
I think the key to a successful exit, whether by fade or DA, is to make plenty of good friends outside the organization before one makes the move. That way one has a good network of friends to takes the place of much of what one leaves behind. That is one reason why groups like the JWs and the Amish actively discourage friendshids outside of the cult community. By isolating the individual and leaving him/her without a support network outside the group, they make shunning a very effective club to beat members into submission with.
Friends won't nesessarily replace family, but they can weaken the blow. It would appear that when family members realise that one has enough friends out there to make the shunning relatively ineffective, some will start stretching the "family business" rule as much as they can get away with, and thus, the isolation from family is not complete. We've seen enough stories on this forum lately to know that is happening to some extent. So I think that is an important step.
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IP_SEC
Grow a fookin sack and just walk out the door proud after having told the GB to kiss your sweet ass. No need to jump through hoops.
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moshe
I always remember the ones the Elders were glad to see leave were the Needy ones. You need lots of help from the Elders- free help- lots of it, home repairs,car repairs, gas money to get to the assembly- you had a bad run of Luck- I mean misfortune at work, can you help with some groceries. You can't ask for worldly charity or file bankruptcy it would bring reproach on the KH,etc. Lots of in home counseling from the Elders for depression, fatique,etc. After a few weeks of this they will be relieved that you are taking a second job and don't come to the KH now due to the extra hours you are working.- They will be happy you don't bother them or borrow money from them. If they show up at your door later, have a ready made reason to ask for help again- "I'm so glad you came over- I was just thinking of calling you, blah,blah- can you help out a brother,etc." JW's are so tight , they will leave you alone. Even Donald Trump has had his financial downers, hasn't he? peace. Moshe
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AMNESIAN
Willy observed:
I like Meta's suggestion about illness. It is the one road out of the organization with no roadblocks. That's because JWs don't really care about people once they become incapacitated and can no longer contribute to the cause. If you're sick, they'll ask you about it once or twice, but after that - when it appears you have a chronic problem - you are emotionally dismissed by most of your "friends," as well as the elders.
Typical of your posts this is an absolutely razor-sharp, spot-on-the-money presentation of just one of the innumerable and exhausting set-in-concrete JW dynamics---no matter the individual, no matter the congregation, no matter the locale. It is this type decoding of JW behaviors that cannot help but be useful to those struggling with trying to determine and understand why certain strategies are far more effective than others in plotting one's escape from the WTS. There needs to be an online reference for just this type inestimable guidance---a sort of "JWs for Captives" (compare "JWs for Dummies).
AMNESIAN
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serendipity
Hi Mr beaker, welcome to the forum!
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willyloman
There needs to be an online reference for just this type inestimable guidance
That's just what this forum is... and online reference. Where would we be without JWD?