When a fader pretends not to know you in front of JW's

by Chasity1 11 Replies latest jw friends

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  Chasity1

  I am friends with this fader or at least I thought I was. I went back for a visit to my home town a couple of months ago and I visited a lot of old friends. One was a fader who was a jw but has been out for like 10 years. We talk on the phone every few months and exchange e-mails regularly. I saw him at the park and he was with his JW family. He acted like he did not even know me even though we hung out at a bar the night before. He just walked by. I was so hurt. I know he does not want to get df'd for talking to me but oh was I hurt and then mad.

  He called me on my cell phone apologizing and begged me not to be mad. I told him that he was a coward and to go back to the JW's because he still acted like one. I have not really spoken to him since. He sends me these e-mails and yesterday he got in touch with my brother and asked him to speak to me. My brother said he won't get involved but he did relay his message.

  Do you think I should cut this fader some slack? I decided to write him off after that happened but he is being persistant in wanting me to be friends with him again. The things is you don't ignore your friends like that. On the other hand the nazi elders in our ex congregation will df him for hanging out with me. What do you guys think?
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  Dune

  I think you should give him a chance. Witnesses and Ex-witnesses have such a unique situation that when things like this happen, you have to step back and realize how stupid all of this is. But yeah, he sounds like he really wants to remain friends so why not? :-d.
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  Double Edge

  Do you think I should cut this fader some slack?

  Yeah.... he's reaching out, big time - cut the guy some slack; life's too short and it's apparant that he values your friendship, he just doesn't know how to handle his fading "gameplan" around the family. If he hadn't called you afterwards would be one thing, but he did call. Meet him face to face, let him know your feelings and help him figure out how to handle the fading. Being downright honest would be one way, but as you say, with the "nazi" elders there might be other considerations going on in his life. Again, life's too short.... shunning is just so lame, from anyone. my 2 cents
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  willowmoon

  If he's trying to fade, he's already got lots going on that's making him confused and upset. Your ignorning him will make him feel worse. He needs a friend. Be one, take him back.

  willow
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  misspeaches

  That's so sad when stuff like that happens. I say give him another chance. Let him know how it made you feel. Who knows perhaps he was so appalled at his own reaction and behaviour it could be a wakeup call for him too...
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  figureitout

  I think you are being way to sensative and are actually being rude to him. You know the amount of conrtrol this religion has on people. It is not like you guys were at a club and he dissed you. He was with his JW parents and he most likely didn't want to hear them all day long telling him what a grave sin he commited and set up an elder visit.

  The guy has reached out to you on several occasions, he obviously feels horrible about it, but you are ignoring him?!?
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  Elsewhere

  Do you think I should cut this fader some slack?

  Yes. You have to remember that by talking to you he risks loosing his family.
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  Rabbit

  Do you think I should cut this fader some slack? I decided to write him off after that happened but he is being persistant in wanting me to be friends with him again. The things is you don't ignore your friends like that. On the other hand the nazi elders in our ex congregation will df him for hanging out with me. What do you guys think?

  As a fader myself, I say "Yes!" Give him some slack. He has a lot to lose, as I do, his family, kids and other relatives. It can be very stressful. It's a sad thing to have to be deceitful or dishonest with your friends, it must weigh heavily on him as evidenced by his call and apology. His association with JW's to begin with was his 'fault', now he needs good friends like yourself to understand the descretion he needs to get 'out' in one piece from a cult.

  Btw, Welcome to the board !

  Rabbit
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  Mary

  Do you think I should cut this fader some slack? I decided to write him off after that happened but he is being persistant in wanting me to be friends with him again. The things is you don't ignore your friends like that. On the other hand the nazi elders in our ex congregation will df him for hanging out with me. What do you guys think?

  I say cut him some slack. If he's still got family in the Borg, then he's not going to want to get DF'd himself for talking to you, because then his family wouldn't speak to him. Maybe that would be more than he could stand.

  The rules of this religion are not fair by any means. From a "worldly" point of view, the way they treat former members is totally insane and does not conform to normal logic. However, as we all know, this religion is not normal.

  Your friend probably feels really bad but we all know why they have to do it. I say you should still consider him a friend and just realize that if he's with other Dubs, he's not going to be able to speak to you. It's not really him that's doing it----it's the religion.
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  Billygoat

  I know it's going to be hard to be the bigger person (it always is!), but this is one situation I think you should, if you can. You've got your own hurts to deal with, so you are the only one that can draw your own boundaries. If this is too painful to you, then limit your contact with him. He'll learn eventually how hypocritical he is being. If you can be the bigger person and continue to be kind to him, despite his rudeness to you, then do so. You probably do understand his reasons for ignoring you, but it doesn't make him right. Do what you feel is best for you. Who knows? Perhaps one day he'll see your kindness as the beginning of his cognitive dissonance.