My life - a new turn

InquiryMan

I’ve been on the net ever since the miningco, old witnesses.net days and now here on JWD. It has been an interesting journey. Yesterday my life took a new turn. However, I’d like to give my story up till then. I was born in a Northern European country some 40 yrs ago. My parents got baptized in the pre 75yrs, but did not express much belief in 1975 per se, even though I remember old-time witnesses surrounding them stressed it alot. E.g. when my mother got new curtains, she was mildly mocked, What was the point, A being months away. I entered the TMS even before my father and was a zealous «disciple». I had no problems adjusting to witness life, activity was vibrant then and the social life had something to offer, even to children and youngsters. E.g. in the weekends we went into the countryside preaching, but always had a picnic with swimming preceding it. It was quite enjoyable. Also, a sister who was a teacher, arranged a Saturday club for the children. We even had a congregation sponsored children’s day in the (rented) Kingdom Hall. Time passed and i entered the teen years. I was careful to abide by ALL witness rules, which in fact had a detrimental effect on my emotional life. E.g. I conquered the normal habit of masturbation for 8 yrs (must be a world record). I also had the dubios status of being the only unkissed teen-ager in the world – at least I thought so myself. I was a zealous witness boy – even preaching at the police station, on the subway and for my fellow school mates. In the graduation book from grammer school it was pointedly stated. XX is a zealous Jehovah’s witness, but sometimes he forgets about it. (poor translation). In time, most young people in my congregation moved or quit, quite a few due to an almost paranoid, overzealous elder. I felt utterly alone those years. Then I moved to the capital city, finally got my first kiss at the overwhelming age of 24... In between I attended int. Assemblies, which definitely belong to my peak experiences as a witness. We did split up, and I met my wife to be. We got married after some one year’s acquintance. I did love her very much and she also loved me. But there was an obstacle. I’ll come back to that later. Unfortunately, I was not capable of adjusting from my repressed emotional life to that of suddenly being able to enjoy intimate relations. (What a victorian language LOL). On my wedding night, I visioned all the elders standing in front of me. It did not bolster my libido, so to speak. My wife, however, was understanding. We kept having some problems though, but we lives quite happily for some years, and we got three lovely children. I was a MS before we got married (my conscience was so strong, that I actually confessed to an elder some time after getting married that I had carressed my wife to be’s breasts before we got married. I guess he was impressed by my humility and remorse. In the early 90s I was appointed elder. This did not contribute much to me staying a witness. All the time as a witness I was of an inquiring mind, having read books and newspaper articles on JWs, Both positive and negative. I was well aware of faults, e.g. 607 vs 587 etc. I also wanted to read CoC and ISofCF, but did not until I had exited, more than a decade later. I guess I harbored doubts for a long time, but suppressed it all the time. I remember defending the DF/shunning at the doors, although disagreeing myself. I was quite disappointed when reading info on the society’s PR web site softening the policy, wheres internally it was practiced much stricter. My sister-in-law got DF, and we shunned her for five years. Finally, my wife and resumed contact after a personal tragedy that had happened to them. At first, on the internet, I found it interesting to be in touch with witnesses on the net, finding the Society’s staunch opposition to the net being rather backward. In time, I guess I distances myself to loyal witnesses by being somewhat critical on merel cultural differences, not theological/organiazational issues. In time, I could no longer reconcile my doubts with being an elder and an active witness. I disagreed on the DF/shunning policy and blood doctrine, and birthdays. I found the society’s polices on child abuse erroneus, and its organizational history dubious and its flip-flops unbearable and found the UN involvement very strange indeed (isolated I felt the involvement in a way good, but considering the societys views on the UN, it was just hypocritical). This, finally, I stepped down as an elder, and after a few months, stopped attending meetings and taking part in (token) field service. One main reason for not being active witnesses anymore, was that we wanted our children to have a normal life offereing them more choices. Fortunately, both my wife and I agreed on this, although we had kept our thoughts on this to ourselves. My reason to leave, was mostly theological/organizional, whereas my wife wanted to have a more normal, mainstream life. The past years our married deteroriated, leaving us to live like brothers and sisters in a way. We remained friends however, all the time, and co-operated nicely on the practical level. These were difficult years. Finally, my wife deciced to separate. I grudingly accepted, although having all reasons to agree. I have always held the dream of the modell family in high esteem...! However, it was faking a dream. Before we got married, I had the guts to tell my wife I was struggling with homosexuality (e.g. in dreams). I had never acted upon it though. In fact I severaly suppressed it all those years. However, the past few years it came more to the surface, I guess esp. Since the lack of intimacy etc opened the gates for it. I still not acted upon it, apart from finally accepting my own body and the pleasures it could provide me. I still love my wife, although on a different level. Living a lie is no good. I yesterday, told my wife I was gay. However, all this time, I never lived a double life so to speak. I’ve joined a group of ”Late bloomers” having group discussions on this issue. I´ll attend the first meeting today. I am very exited, but quite anxious too. I had been scared to tell my wife, scared of what It might open, but she reacted very nicely. She had known all the time, and she was glad that I finally allowed my self to embrace ”my” life and allowing her to be free to have hers. I regret though for not allowing it to happen sooner, but I was honestly not able to face it until now. I also went to a psychitrist for more than a year, and it helped me a lot. We’ve resolved to be best friends, having shared such a long time together, having children we must care for etc. I think it will work out for the best. I’ll rebuild my life under new terms. Hopefully, I might not be happier, but relieving the burden of not being 100 per cent me is lifted. So far only you and my wife knows, but gradually I´ll include my family (difficult since they are all witnesses, but they have accepted our withdrawal quite graciously, but this issue will be on another level. Also in time, my children and colleagues will be told. I look forward to start living again, having merely existed for some time. I hope you´ll back me and I’ll valu the input you might give, being mails or pm’s. I hope I have not offended anyone.

InquiryMan

bttt

serendipity

Hi inquiry man. Life takes interesting twists and turns doesn't it? I hope you find happiness and I hope that you and your wife can be fully involved with your children's upbringing. That's probably the most important priority for both of you now. I wish you well.

luna2

Its good to be able to finally be yourself. I'm so glad that your wife (exwife?) is so supportive and is willing to remain friends. I hope you find happiness in this new phase of your life.

Brigid

How can you offend anyone when you speak such courageous truth from your heart? Congratulations on coming out into one aspect of your true self. May your journey continue in light and love and truth (and may you meet someone special and may he help you continue to unfold....)

Blessings,

~Brigid

Swan

I hope I have not offended anyone.

Congratulations on finally figuring it out and coming to that point of self awareness and self acceptance. Eventually you will realize that you need not apologize to anyone, but it will probably take a little more time to get to that level of self acceptance.

There are many groups that you and your wife can join to help you deal with the issues surrounding the coming out process. PFLAG is one that is especially good for helping your family work things out. There you will meet many families who went through the same experiences.

The best of luck to you and your family.

Warm regards,

Tammy

Billygoat

I had been scared to tell my wife, scared of what It might open, but she reacted very nicely. She had known all the time, and she was glad that I finally allowed my self to embrace ”my” life and allowing her to be free to have hers. I regret though for not allowing it to happen sooner, but I was honestly not able to face it until now. I also went to a psychitrist for more than a year, and it helped me a lot. We’ve resolved to be best friends, having shared such a long time together, having children we must care for etc. I think it will work out for the best.

InquiryMan,

I am so glad to hear that things parted so nicely with you. I hear many times this doesn't happen. So look at that as such a blessing!!! Do not regret that you didn't do things earlier. We move our Life into action when we're ready...we make the best decision we possibly can make at that time. Things WILL work out for the best.

I wish you continued peace in your life!

Andi

joelbear

Hi Inquiry,

Many have walked your path. I am very glad you have a support group. I started a support group when I first came out at the age of 30 and it was remarkably helpful, not only to me but to the 100's of men and women who came to the group over the 10 years that it existed.

There are many many married men who are homosexual and struggling with how to achieve their own freedom while doing as little damage as possible to those they love.

There are a number of gay men here on JWD who can offer a variety of opinions on different aspects of being gay, do not be afraid to ask, either openly or in a PM.

Accept yourself as the person you are. Don't concentrate only on your homosexuality. Do some inner meditation on your whole self and make this a time when you are taking a new turn towards all your goals in life.

joelbear

oh and go out and have some mind blowing sex (be safe). you are way past due :)

collegegirl21

lmao... congratulations hon. Its always hard to come out with something so powerful that sometimes tear families apart. But I know you have the courage to do it and if your family doesn't accept it, then they are losing out on knowing a great person, no matter what your preference is! :)

My life - a new turn

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