Disfellowshipping- Pros and Cons

by Vitameatavegamin 20 Replies latest jw friends

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  Vitameatavegamin

  Hello friends,

  Since I have been a member of this forum since July, I have seen alot of posts by DF'd or posts about disfellowshipping. I just thought I would add my thoughts on the matter, for whatever it is worth.

  I have never been DF'd, but have seen alot of it in my 20 years with JWs. In some instances, I can see where maybe it is necessary to take action against someone who just refuses to make changes with regards to their wrongdoing. I do believe in keeping it clean. On the flip side, I have heard of cases of people being DF'd for lesser offenses than I would have thought! I am not always sure where to draw the line. Some would say that all DFing is wrong, not the place of men to judge. But what do you do with people? As a JW, congregation cleanliness is supposed to be of the highest importance. Therefore, if unrepentant wrongdoers are allowed to run amok, that is'nt right either. But, on the other hand, a person DFd for disagreeing with the society, I think that is to the extreme. God created us with brains for a reason. If we are not allowed to think, we have a problem.

  Disfellowshipping for whatever reason has got to be a terrible experience. I know a someone right now in our cong. who is trying to get reinstated, and the Elders, according to his wife, keep making new rules every time he applys for reinstatement. They tell him he is not to associate with any JW family members, or keep any worldly friends. Another girl in our cong. is trying also. She has children and is single. Elders have told her she is not cart around any JW children to drop off or pick up. How is this reasonable? This girl's kids have a right to a life! It's like they are penalized as well. Very unfair. It's almost as if the Elders expect the DFd here to just sit in their homes and fold their arms and say and do nothing. They have the one guy especially pretty isolated. They have even questioned him about being around his worldly relatives. It's as if they have these people jumping through hoops like a monkey just to get reinstated!

  Now, granted, both of these people were DFd for adultery. I am not excusing the past behavior. But, if they are truly sorry, they are deserving after a while. Which brings me to my next and final point. The bad parts of disfellowshipping.

  It seems that DFing can defeat it's own purpose. The reason? When a person has been isolated for so long from friends and family, what will really become the motivating factor for reinstatement? More than likely the fact that they want to be able to speak to others again and socialize. It no longer is about the sin committed. That has probably faded in to the past. Yes, a person may be repentant for the sin committed. But ultimately, that has to come from within you. You need to understand WHY you were wrong. I have often wondered how much good DFing does for people with serious problems. I sometimes think maybe they need some extra love and concern to help them see their error. Jesus himself did this. Remember again what the word Christian means.

  In conclusion, I don't know if I have made much sense. But I am wondering- Disfellowshipping- How Christian is this practice?

  Looking forward to you're thoughts! Thanks!!
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  dmouse

  Disfellowshipping is a barbaric practice used as a threat to control the rank and file JWs. Sometimes a hapless person is made an example of just to reinforce the fear.
  The policy is totally inconsistant. I have seen brothers DF'd for virtually nothing and others get away with adultery.

  In general, it depends if your face fits. If you are popular with the elders you can get away with much more than if you are on the fringe.
  Some congregations are DF (trigger) happy while others go out of their way to avoid it.
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  Englishman

  Look at it this way: If the WTBTS were to abandon DF'ing, how else would they be able to punish someone for not toeing the party line?

  They can't fine you can they?

  Maybe 10 Hail Marys, or 20 Our Fathers?

  Englishman.

  ..... fanaticism masquerading beneath a cloak of reasoned logic.
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  Cygnus

  The main reason common folks are DF'd is not because of the sin. It is based upon two things: how well they perform when masquerading their repentance, and whether or not the elders consider them to be a threat to the congregation's stability. The sin itself is generally irrelevant (unless it is extremely gross and decidedly preconceived).

  I might have been able to avoid getting DF'd. I know that two of the brothers on my JC did not want to DF me. I know that the chairman of the appeal committee did not want to DF me. However, I was not repentant and told them so (I was DF'd for associating with a DF'd person and being a "sharer in his wicked works"). I even brought my DF'd friend with me to the Kingdom Hall for the first hearing. :) Getting DF'd was going to make absolutely zero difference in my life, so I participated for an amusing experience. I can't recommend that for everyone, however. You see, my family does not shun me, my JW wife supported me, and while I felt bad about losing certain friends, 3 other JW friends have since then quit the religion themselves, and I have lots of worldly friends, as it were. When the one elder told me that it would be a real "test" for my family to have to shun me, I laughed in his face. He didn't like that much, in fact, none of the elders liked it. Two elders in particular were complete tools and I could feel the righteous hatred they felt when I replied to an elder who compared my independent thinking with Satan the Devil's: "Alleged invisible events in the realm of the supernatural have very little bearing on my case."

  Like I said, I had fun with the whole thing. When people hear about my story, they shake their heads and can't believe that a religon that calls itself Christian, or any group of people for that matter, would treat someone as they treated me. Then I tell them that I was one of the LUCKY ones.

  DF'ing will, I think, eventually become what is practiced today as 'marking.' Not officially, in fact, the WT might still come out with a heavy article defending the scriptural practice of shunning, but contemporary JWs just aren't going to follow along any more.
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  cosmo

  As the old saying goes, power corrupts.
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  Vitameatavegamin

  Very interesting thoughts! Maybe there will be a time when the JWs practice things a little differently. Looking forward to more thoughts.
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  Esmeralda

  In my case, the good thing that Disfellowshipping did for me was that I still held some small belief that the organization really was God's channel when I was ousted. Getting out and being cut off from the fanatacism of my JW family was the catalyst to finally seeing the truth about it.

  They think that shunning me is the loving way to encourage me to come back: they don't realize that because of their behaviour, I will never go back. I don't ever want to be like them. I don't want my child to turn out like them either, and so far, she seems to see very clearly that Mommy isn't as evil as "they" make her out to be.

  The story of events leading to my df'ing is on my website. Read if you like and you can decide for yourself if I "deserved" to be disfellowshipped. To me, it's a moot point. I wanted to get on with my life, and that was the cost of my freedom. Very high, but very worth it.

  The only thing I do regret is the effect it has had on my daughter's life. You can read how its effected her, and know that she doesn't deserve it.

  essie
  : http://www.wtsurvivors.homestead.com

  edited to fix the link
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  GinnyTosken

  I was DFed twice. The first time, I was 18. I felt adrift without the old structure and social group, went back to meetings soon afterwards, looked as remorseful as I could, and was reinstated.

  When I began going back to meetings, I had no car, so I walked about two miles to the Kingdom Hall. After the Wednesday night meetings, it was a bit treacherous to walk back home in the dark along an unlighted highway. A kind-hearted sister picked me up one night and drove me home. She explained that she would have to ask the elders if it was okay for her to continue doing this. The elders judged it more fitting for an elder and his wife to give me a ride home after that. It was kind of them to give me a ride and certainly a chink in the JW DFing armor, but looking back it seems so strange that one would have to ask permission of church elders to do a kind act.

  After about four years of being "good," I began to feel as though I were sleepwalking through my own life. I felt a restlessness I could not explain. I began secretly listening to Led Zeppelin in my car at high volume. Then I added a cigarette once in awhile. Eventually I had an affair with a man from Kentucky.

  I immediately confessed to the elders. I wanted help. I wanted to talk about the restlessness and emptiness I felt. I wanted to know what was wrong with me, why I didn't feel Jehovah's spirit filling my life, even though I studied and prayed and tried. I trusted that if I were repentant, I would not be DFed.

  I discovered with a jolt that repentance was not the prime issue. The big question was, 'Did I use birth control during my tryst with Kentucky man?' It was a Catch 22. If I had used birth control, my actions were premeditated. If I had not used birth control, I might be pregnant and bring shame on the congregation. Somehow delaying a decision until I could find out if I were pregnant was not an option.

  No one asked why I had done this. It wasn't until years later that I figured it out myself. I thought then that sex was the price you paid for intimacy, a feeling of closeness, a feeling of being loved, even if it was temporary. I was hungry to feel loved.

  I cried a lot during the meeting while a legal discussion went on around me. I was hurt and disappointed. Where was Jehovah's spirit? I thought he knew me and my heart? Did I truly deserve to be cast out? Was I deceived by a treacherous heart? I began to feel numb. I just wanted out. I wanted to escape.

  After much discussion, one of the elders leaned over and rested his elbows on his knees, talking to me slowly, as if to a child. "If we do not disfellowship you, will you promise never to do this again?"

  I thought about the question. I had already explained my religious situation to Kentucky man and did not plan to continue the liaison. I wanted to be good, I wanted to do what was right. But somehow a little smidgen of integrity welled up inside me. Should I make a promise I was not sure I could keep? What about my treacherous heart and sinful nature?

  "Who of us can promise not to sin?" I answered. I explained I had no plans to continue my behavior. I just didn't want to make a false promise.

  The elders conferred together privately, and I was disfellowshipped. One of the elders, one whom I had considered my friend, walked me out to my car. "It would have been okay if you hadn't gotten on a high horse about that promise," he said. I got into my car and drove home alone.

  That was nearly 15 years ago.

  I have sinced learned that the Bible is not a great source of sexual ethics. Still, I am drawn to Vitameatavegamin's plea for understanding and love:

  It no longer is about the sin committed. That has probably faded in to the past. Yes, a person may be repentant for the sin committed. But ultimately, that has to come from within you. You need to understand WHY you were wrong. I have often wondered how much good DFing does for people with serious problems. I sometimes think maybe they need some extra love and concern to help them see their error. Jesus himself did this. Remember again what the word Christian means.

  I craved love, concern, and understanding. I received legalism and judgement.

  Ginny
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  Gimme3steps

  got a simple answer, Brother,.....what did Jesus do, when the crowd wanted to go stone a woman,.....He said,...let the first one of you, that aint sinned, throw the first rock,....think about it...What did he tell the criminal, that was hung, beside him, on that dark day ?
  ....Think about it......what did he tell Peter, both before,and during,the night of his apprehension ?.....Think about it....What did he tell some associates, when a lady brought some finery, to him, in the time just before his death, and the associates thought that it was a waste, of something, that coulda been used for the temple ?...Think about it......your finest example, of whats real, Friend :)
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  Gimme3steps

  my initial post,above, is a reply, to the originator of this thread....i read the post above it, after posting.....Ginny,...One needs to always, give another, the benefit of a doubt,...because, we are all ruled, and thankfully so, by a God-given conscious.....i understand, why that lady, felt, she needed to seek approval, it was her conscious,i cant fault that.....As far as your hearing went, it seems u gave em a honest answer,...all arguments aside, as to whether they deserved it,.......you do ya best, and never look back. If the time ever comes, when the situation is revisited......so be it...if it dont.....so be that, too.....in the end, it dont matter, what no comittee, or group of people, on this earth, ever think,.....believe that :)