Dear Richie,
I can only reiterate what others have already said: Your struggle is so evident and poignant! You are torn between appeasing your mother’s hunger [for control? validation? a good status in the congregation? a soothed conscience as a ‘successful’ JW parent?] and living up to the responsibility of listening to your own conscience. The others are undeniably correct: the ‘guilt trip’ will not end with submission of your temporary pioneer application, your 18 th birthday, your appointment to MS, your regular pioneer application, etc. Each instance where you succumb to the misdirected pressure to conform will only be another towline affixed – lashing your destiny firmly to that charterless monolith: the ship of fools.
Richie, the intelligence and insight of your posts show that you are adequately equipped to direct your own course… if you claim captaincy of your own powers of reason before the wake of the Watchtower defeats you.
You can no more be responsible for your mother’s (ongoing) decision to relinquish her life to an uncaring organisation, than can she be responsible for your choices. Ask yourself: if (and/or when) you hoist your own sail and set off on your own course – independently of the WTS – will your mother’s loyalty work towards you, or towards the organisation? It is ill-advised to tether oneself to a drowning victim who is determined to go under. Better to secure your own life first, then to offer aid and harbour. Better to regret your mother’s choice of a suffocating life for herself, than to resent your mother once you have succumbed to the suffocation yourself. Better a survivor than a fellow victim.
When you are unsure of which direction you should take, ask yourself: Does my mother ever ask me whether I am happy? Is your personal sense of joy and satisfaction in the life you now own even of importance to your mother… or to anyone else in that organisation? After asking myself that question (in a similar context) some years ago, I arrived at the irrefutable conclusion that, if life is sacred, this is the life to be revered, cherished and made the most of. Only persons who are interested and constructive in promoting that conclusion are allowed a position of importance in my decision-making and in my esteem. After all, once I have given my life over to another mere individual, that one is powerless to return it to me; I will have squandered the one object of value which is truly mine.
Phrasing this for your mother’s consumption (if she is inclined to ‘reason’ from the scriptures: a scripture taken out of context [but that is nothing new, right?] – “Who are you to judge the house servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls. …”(Rom. 14:4, partially quoted). [You are free to (internally) complete this quote with your own adaptation, if you wish. E.g., "I am my own master!"]
-Valkykrie
